AD killed my dad and only left me bruised and battered...

dementiadaughter1

Hi fellow caregivers, 

My dad died in MC from an infection two months ago and we are all grateful that his illness did not last long. I haven't posted here very much but I read through the forums often and  wanted to thank you all.  Reading through the posts when I was having a bad day to know I wasn't alone and learning many tips and tricks to help get through this have been so helpful.  

While it pains me to read of all of your struggles, I just wanted to affirm that I admire you all so much and think that you are doing an amazing job under the worst possible situation. Like many of you, my story began with a 'is this abnormal or just weird old people stuff?" to realizing and finally having the worst diagnosed. I made a lot of mistakes along the way but thanks to all of you and your advice - I got an elder law attorney for POA, learned the art of the 'fiblet' and learned that I had to live in his reality not mine. I took away my dads finances (he had already been scammed a few times), took away his car (he had already gotten lost a few times) and moved him into assisted living (I hadn't realized just how bad his AD was and it was not an appropriate solution or living situation) followed by a quick move to a MC facility where he remained.  Early on he objected adamantly (anosognosia) and made things so difficult with calling me the most horrible names in constant phone calls but later could no longer use a phone or speak in full sentences and could hardly remember me and no longer remembered his home which at one point he wanted to go back to so terribly. I too felt horrible stress along the way because even though logically I knew I was making the best decisions for him including not being able to care for him on my own, the constant worry about his health and quality of care, the nightmare of watching how cruel this disease is, the guilt of knowing I was doing all I could but it never felt like it was enough - the entire thing just sucked.  When it became apparent that he was going to die, I was heartbroken but also at peace because if my 'real' dad could see what had become of himself, he would have wanted to go.  AD killed my dad and left me emotionally bruised and battered, but still standing.  I am going to be okay and so are you.  Hang in there.  I will keep you all in my prayers for peace, strength and sanity and am rooting for each of you through your most difficult days.   

   

harshedbuzz

dementiadaughter-

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your dear dad.

You are to be commended for keeping him safe and cared for despite the considerable challenges involved. May you find peace going forward.

HB

King Boo

It is so nice of you to stop by with words of encouragement.  Be gentle with yourself as you recover from his death.  It's rather traumatic for a while, but it gets better with time.

Jane Smith

dementiadaughter1, 

Please accept my condolences on the death of your father. 

Thank you for your sincere and heartfelt post.  It takes courage to be that honest in public so please know that sharing your story is appreciated. 

I especially appreciate it as my mother recently died and I also feel that dementia killed my mother, and left me physically, mentally, and emotionally not the person I was before I became her caregiver too many years ago. 

And I extra especially appreciate your message of support and reassurance. Right now it’s hard to believe I will ever be okay, but I will remember your post and take encouragement and comfort from your words. 

Thank you for your kindness.

Amymv

Hi Dementiadaughter1,

Thank you for your kind words.  My mom died in June of 2020 and I miss her very much.  I am so familiar with all that you mentioned and I offer my heartfelt condolences to you.  We all do the best we can. I still struggle with the many times I had to leave my family to handle things for mom.  AD is horrible and I am trying to change my eating habits and take better care of myself.  I also have a son who is physically disabled and I know in order to be a better caregiver, wife, and mother I need to take care of myself.  You did the best you could and your father was loved. 

Be kind to yourself as you grieve.  I have found it helpful to come here now, I rarely used the message boards before mom died, but I find it healing to come here and support others. 

Hang in there!