Making the move to MC

Bhopper

After months of guilt frustration fear and reality checks. The date has been set the siblings have been notified we managed to survive a family reunion. I tried to back out twice then today I had to lock the back gate and garage while I was mowing the back yard. Then looked up to see my conservative shy DW come out in panties and T-shirt as nothing was wrong. Could barely communicate and when she did it made no sense or expressed in anger towards me. The help she deserves and requires is going to be very difficult and she will be very upset when clear but safe! My son pointed out he can’t lose us both and I had to look at my deteriorating condition as well I have lost 50 pounds always in a rush do just enough but nothing we’ll or to my own standards. For me I had to accept I am being a bit selfish because I love when we sleep together 3-5 in the am it’s like nothing has changed. Then wake up comes and the confusion disoriented lost in time comes and I am reminded I would not do any other medical treatment that may harm the love of my life why do I try this one. After almost 6 years I realized I have to be there also for my son and grandchildren Especially the last 2 years everything and everyone has come second. Have found a great facility that follows Teepa’s protocol and certification of employees 

I have regrets already but have met with her roommate’s spouse and he has helped tremendously with the stories of positive and the return of being a husband!

Wish me luck we go on the 15th and the 1st month I am sure will be awful 

Please see additional post below struggling 

M1

Of course. Will be anxious to hear how it goes. Glad the roommate's husband was helpful.....fingers crossed for you.

DorisEmma

thank you for sharing this very difficult process for you.  I am not there at this time, but your honest opinion and feelings will be remembered by me when that day comes.

abc123

Dear Bhopper, I am extremely proud of you. You have made a difficult  but wise decision. Thank you for acknowledging your own self worth and the value of the rest of your family. Unfortunately, I will probably lose both of my parents to this disease. Let the professionals take care of your dear wife and you can be her husband again. You will each be in my prayers and in my heart. I send good wishes and prayers for continued strength.

French

Bhopper we sincerely support you. You are not selfish, just realistic.

Joe C.

Bhopper, I wish you and your wife the best as you make this difficult move. Being on the verge of making the same decision I can understand the emotional wringer you are going through.

Bhopper

Someone help me I am trying to back out even though I know it’s the best wrong choice it’s breaking my heart when I look at her today on a pretty good day!

Joe C.

Bhopper, I know this is a heart wrenching time for you but I believe you are making the best decision for both of you. Have you considered asking the facility if you can do the first 30 or 60 days as a respite stay to see how both of you adjust to the new situation. If your wife adjust to the facility then you could move forward with the permanent placement.

Ed1937

Sorry it's so hard, but we all know it will be. Your wife is lucky to have you. If you were to reverse your decision, she will suffer from not getting the care she needs because you will not be able to provide it. And you will be better off with her being taken care of by others. You will still be her husband, and you will still be watching out for her. It will simply be a different way of helping her. You will be in our thoughts and prayers, so keep us informed.

Mgsr04

Bhopper, your head knows what's right but your heart creates emotional conflict. You're just doing the best you can. Can't come up with any special words of wisdom or comfort, just wishing you the best of luck during this terribly difficult time. Keep us posted.

Stuck in the middle

Sometimes we have to do things we really don't want to do, because not doing it is even worse.  I'm sorry this happened to your family, but you don't have a good choice.  Stick to your guns and get it done.

Bhopper

Thank You all for the genuine support and caring I met with facility today again they assured me it is not unusual and they will do whatever it takes to help us both get through the transition.

I sincerely want to thank everyone in this forum and all of the threads I would not be upright right now for the support group I will keep you posted we go next Wednesday but everything is about her between now and then I am going to spoil her rotten!! 

Virgil61

Hi - thanks for sharing this.  I feel the same way.  I feel like I'm giving up on my wife and also feel selfish because I want her with me.  This hurts.  A lot.

Bhopper

I can’t believe it’s really come I am quietly packing clothes rented a van to move new bed attempting to make it duplicate our bedroom on a small scale. My reality is the loving wonderful woman I have been blessed with for nearly 40 years has been gradually disappearing for 5 years but especially the last 18 months and beyond that the last 2–3 weeks. Labeling clothes and towels it’s real but I know I can no longer manage the disease. Today I feared I would have to take her to psych she was not close to the new normal. I now hope we can hold aeverything together until Wednesday with no emergency hospital stay. Doctors have approved increased meds hopefully even if a bit confused and sleepy we both will survive. Bless all that have and will have to it breaks my heart everyday but.I know I can’t continue and am not qualified to continue. But I love my wife enough to put her care before my need to say I can continue to do it.

We go Wednesday I hope for 2 peaceful days!!!!!

BH

Joe C.

Bhopper, I hope all goes as well as possible between now & Wednesday. I’ll be thinking of you and your wife.

M1

Will be thinking of you, keep us posted how it goes. I know your heart breaks.

Virgil61

Hi.  Will be thinking about y'all - please update.

Beachfan

Bhopper,

It is Wednesday morning here.  It’s dreary and gray.  I am thinking of you and my heart hurts for you.  I hope everything goes well and that you can find peace and happiness from this day forward.  You are so brave to take this step.  Stay strong. 

David J

BHopper- 

Be strong today; you’re doing the right thing for your wife and for yourself. 

Let us help in the next few days. We’re here as a sounding board or commiseration or just to hear and understand.  

Dave

Bhopper

 To follow up it started off really well I think I got in the way by not leaving early enough and trying to make sure she was settled and trying to solve the problems that they deal with the first day was pretty much awful by the time I left but I did have a 45 minute good. In the beginning or without me she engaged with the other residents the coordinator called and let me know that they got her settled back down I am still terribly concerned about how her first night will go as we’ve been together nearly 40 years sleeping in the same bed I won’t sleep at all. What makes me feel so guilty tonight is she had such a good day today but we were committed to this date and I just know intellectually it’s falling off and I’m hoping that on the other side of the 30 days that they hope that it will take for her to settle that I can get my wife back on some level pray that we last 30 days without me backtracking and I’m going to bring her home

BH

I know it was the right choice because eventually I have to get back to regular work schedule I had been on leave but it is without a doubt the most difficult thing I’ve had to do in my life but I know it’s for her best because I can’t give her my best any longer she needs care that I can’t provide and that was evidence this evening as they were able to calm her down when I tried I just made her mad or best wishes to any of you that are considering the same I think it was the right decision but nonetheless it hurt something terrible 

Bhopper

One additional follow-up to the follow up as I told you I am not going to stay tonight but the optimistic side is they believe she will settle in six months if I making the move early enough we avoid the psychiatric possibility of commitment in addition I found out today that if everything goes well as I expected to that within 30 days I can spend two nights a week with her there in the facility which is a great blessing for me if she progresses as I hope she will and benefits from their care as they are professionals and I had to surrender that fact that I love her and I know every inch of herBut I am not qualified to do brain surgery and I wouldn’t try so therefore I can’t do this I love her with all my heart and that’s why I had to surrender and look forward to the future that when they can take care of the issues that I can’t manage I can get the good times that remain

Virgil61

Hi.  Wow, what a day for you.  I'm not thinking about our day coming up but had to a bit as I read your report.  I hate to think about your night tonight but am anyway.   You know you'll look back on this and "it'll make you stronger and all that blahblahblah", however, it's here now and you are having to deal with it.  I wish I could think of something better to say.  If I think of something I will.   Too bad this site does not have an active chat room.  Ok then.

Virgil61

Hi.  How was the night?  How'd it go?  Any news on how she did?   Did you get some sleep?  Did she?   How is the family doing?  How is your morning going?   Any revelations?   Post when you can!  I hope you are feeling better today.

Bhopper

They got her to settle in bed about nine which is two hours later than usual but she set up and watch TV to sleep about 11 they were outstanding to let me know this information or else I would not have been able to even try and sleep I was able to sleep about three hours once I heard she was sleeping they called me this morning and let me know that she did get up earlier than usual and was looking for me but she was sitting at the dining room table talking to some other ladies by nine this morning he said that she had no emotional outburst no crying no fits just looking for me but they feel like it it’s best that we wait until she has settled in acclimated and at this point whatever is best for her not for me is what matters my hope and prayer is that I can see her on a good day before too long thanks for all the comments you folks and help me get through the first day in here now if I can just keep from going back and getting her even though I know it’s the best thingHer personality is so friendly to everybody she told the head of the memory care unit yesterday that she loved her already when I wasn’t there so I am very optimistic that we are in the right spot at the right time or else I would be scared to death that I would lose her.I have already seen the benefits of professional care they were able to distract her by asking her questions that she didn’t know the answers to but it didn’t upset her and it took her mind off of being mad at me they are really good and really professional still sucks that I can’t have my wife at home but the next best thing is this good of care

ElaineD

Great new, Bhopper.   I learned that ALL the important decisions in life are hard to make, even the RIGHT decision is hard.  Change is hard.

I hope you're through the hardest part.  I see here in my Retirement Community that residents who move in Assisted Living are healthier and happier than they were here in Independent Living.

They have wonderful well trained supportive staff, many activities, music, movies etc.

I can't visit our Memory Care facility, but I hear how wonderful the staff is and that it takes some time (usually without a visit from Loved Ones) for the new resident to settle in, but not always very long.

I also have several friends who found that the relationship with their loved ones improved once they were in MC.  My friends were no longer the ones who said 'no', the ones who worried and managed every thing....so their loved ones could visit and laugh and share some memories (on good days, of course).

And my friends could relax, sleep at night, connect with friends, and generally were in a good place when they made their visits to the loved ones in MC.

It IS HARD, and you are doing the right thing for both of you, Bhopper.

ElaineD

Bhopper

To all that have encouraged and asked for feedback we had our first minor wind but it’s a major win for me the memory care coordinator let me know that my wife sat down with another woman for 45 minutes visiting and eating ice cream independent of everything else going on that is a huge win they said she still wondering about looking for me but at least that was one step in one day and she is safe and being well taken care of

M1

That all sounds about as good as you could possibly expect BH.  I'm so glad for you!  Get some much needed rest.  Hopefully you'll be able to visit soon without upsetting the applecart.

Ed1937

That's fantastic! Glad things are working out well for you both.

Joe C.

Bhopper, I’m glad to hear that the early going has had some positive results. Hopefully things continue to improve for both of you.

Virgil61

Hi - thanks for the update!  Dang good to hear how she is responding - I am hoping that things play out much the same way with my wife on her first night in a couple of weeks.  Hopefully you are already asleep now and will sleep the night through.

Bhopper

Last night I was up until 1230 starting to pack up the house excepting the fact of my life was going to change for ever again and preparing to move to a small apartment close to the facility my wife will be in this morning I got up fortunately I have leave from work and started making forward steps it just hit me how do you get across the water you got a walk cross the bridge one step at a time here’s the amazing part folks it may not happen for everybody but I hope it happens for some out of the blue I got a call from the memory care coordinator saying that she felt like it might be the right time to attempt a evening visit because Vicki had just been looking for me for two days and was afraid I was not coming back even though they tried to convince her I was just at work I was scared to death of the conflict of going back the way it ended when I was there the first time we had the most outstanding evening regardless of what happens going forward I’m sure the next time will not be that smooth but I pray it does but we had one good evening if this is any indication of what memory care support and structure and care can do let me stress though it is a very good facility and they are very well trained but they did break protocol to allow me to visit so early but they just took each case as an individual and looked at what they thought was best for her and allowed to visit and it worked out beautifully just thought I would let you know that was a huge win for me I was as nervous as I was when we went on our very first date because I didn’t know who I would walk in and say I hope it helps those of you on the fence some little way obviously the results are going to vary from day today I’ve spoken with enough Spouses to know it changes but I am thankful for today and again thank you all for the support through this transition I still feel lost and alone but she’s safe and today was a very good day