Have You Ever Want To Go On A Date?

Joe C.

I have been completely faithful to DW since our first date over 36 years ago but lately I find myself having a yearning just to go on a date. I have no idea who I would date or even how I would find the time, all I know is these feelings are very real. It would be so nice to go out with someone who could order their own meal, didn’t require my assistance cutting up the food and not having to worry about the possibility of bathroom issues. It would also be great to sit across from someone who could participate in a conversation and who would appreciate the attention I was giving her. Oh, just one of the many things I miss.

Rescue mom

I wonder how well I can function with normal people, or carrying on a normal conversation. But a date? So not interested. I know spouses who enjoy the company of another, when their spouse is “gone,” and everybody is glad for them. I just don’t have the energy.

Battlebuddy

   I think you would make an amazing date because you would be so happy with just the simplest of things. You are pretty much going  to have a good time if she can cut her own meat and talk about the weather. I mean that with all love and respect to you. It’s part of being human that we need human interaction and companionship. Let’s face it we have all been isolated by Covid and then the loneliness of caregiving on top of that. 

  I haven’t thought about dating but went to Target today alone. I might as well have gone to Disney world. The people to talk to and a Starbucks to boot! So clean! No poop to be seen! So great to have a regular moment mixing with people . 

DrinaJGB

The only time it even crosses my mind is when some gentleman rushes to open a door for me or smiles at me in a store.Once I nearly ran into a man and we got tangled up and  both started laughing. There was music playing in the store and I jokingly asked if he wanted to dance, and he said yes let's clear this aisle--lol!! It made my day.

  Just little things like that will make me smile for a day--it is not much, but it means a lot to me. As far as actually dating--not really. But it would be lovely to walk along a beach and sit and watch the sunset with someone who might have something interesting or funny to say--and who would like talking to me for a change.

.That's the thing I miss the most; the one thing I still grieve for.

60 falcon

More power to you Joe.  Whatever works for you is right, in my opinion.  If you find someone, I wish you have a good time.

For me though, I'm not interested.  At all.  I find it hard to relate to normal people, even finding it hard to relate to my kids.  I don't feel like I even know who I am anymore.  Maybe when I find myself again, some year, I'll be interested in finding another true friend.  My definition of a friend is very narrow.  I had two. My wife is one of them and she's no longer the same person.  The other died last spring.  Finding people to hang out with and do fun things with, I'd like that. Some year.

Crushed

Ive had female friends colleagues and co authors  all my career (women co authors have done all the heavy math lifting in my papers)  I've traveled all over Europe with several, giving lectures.   I've had them routinely as house guests.   Several have been true champions through DW's illness.   So I am very comfortable with women. 
My favorite story was when I met a very attractive  woman engineer at a meeting with with very similar  interests.  I offered to buy her a drink  She looked me right in the eye and said  "Let me make it clear I don't sleep with married men." 
I said "what an amazing coincidence, Neither do I"     
She fell off her chair and has been a great friend for 20 years (lots of papers.)

  I am happy to go on dates or dinners or whatever.  My kids are totally supportive.  But my strong suit is cooking dinner for ladies who don't like to cook  (My kids say "dad only has one move it's  through the kitchen.) 

No romance but lots of companionship 
 

  

abc123

Joe, I think it would be very nice if you went on a date and enjoyed yourself. I’d be happy for you.

Stuck in the middle

Sure, I'd like to go on a date.  I'll go further and define a date as Joe and Drina imply, a social occasion with a chance of romance.  I'd like to walk on the beach, watch the sun set, drink pina colada, all that.  Not going to happen any time soon.  I would have to get over being married, find someone to date, hire a sitter for DW, etc.  Too much monkey business for me to be involved in.

  

Lynne D

Joe C. All that, hell ya! Add not being embarrassed about the food dribbling from their mouth and the mess they leave. Mostly I miss conversation. I hate to go out and see couples conversing. Jealous!

RobertsBrown

I love this thread and the hope in the air.

For me, I can't even let myself think about thinking about it.  Anything that offers a little affection for another represents a taking from my wife, and it scares me.

Ed1937

When I saw the subject line of this thread, I didn't know if there was enough room in cyberspace to hold all the replies it would get.

While I don't think you're ever too old to "date",  that would be the furthest thing on my mind. I guess I've just had  caregiving too easy. 

But it's easy for me to understand why someone would have that on their mind. For those who might consider it, I wish you all the luck in the world. We all need meaningful company.

Donr

I would love to go out on a date with a lady. As others have said, and not worry about anything that would happen. Enjoy a good conversation, a glass of wine, and a good meal and a platonic relationship.

Doityourselfer

No.  I have many things on my bucket list and going on a date is not one of them.

French

14 years ago, after a difficult divorce, I dated a lot. I wanted to prove to myself that I was still able to please to someone, to regain confidence in myself (not easy with 3 kids, the older been  6 years old). In fact I wasn’t ready for a new relationship because I was still mired in the conflict with my ex. but I have made lot of new friend and I also met the one who became my partner.

Now, I don’t feel free. My situation is not neat, I still have a partner. He is part of my life. 

But how I enjoy the coffee I shared with one of my friend when we met at the market, on sunday. we planned to have a dinner together during my respite stay. He is just a friend, their is no ambiguity. He knows my partner. He listen the female in me and this is very important for me. We also discuss about our teens, our readings, work… It wouldn’t be the same with a female friend. 

I think I wouldn’t provoke a dating but not sure I would refuse one if proposed. I feel so alone.

Crushed

RobertsBrown wrote:

I love this thread and the hope in the air.

For me, I can't even let myself think about thinking about it.  Anything that offers a little affection for another represents a taking from my wife, and it scares me.

When we had our second child I had to toss this idea out the window!
IMHO love is not a fixed quantity

IMHO love and affection simply  do not work that way.  I have five grandchildren,  While money might have to be split among them affection and love does not  

I have a De Jure spouse with whom I cannot share any kind of love.  I can unilaterally lavish attention comfort and care on her. And I do.  But the sharing part of her is gone.  So I do without sharing or find some other connection.     Whatever I do , costs her NOTHING

LadyTexan

Hello Joe. Until I read your post, I did not realize going on a date was something that I missed. It brought back memories of the butterflies in my tummy when I would get ready for a date with DH. I would take care picking out my outfit, fixing my hair and applying my make-up. Just opening the door to see DH when he came to pick me up was exciting. I recall a date when he took me to an Indian restaurant that had beautiful lighting and gorgeous decorations. The staff was so attentive. Our conversation with each other was exciting as we discovered new things about each other and also just talked about our work and our day's activities. Being appreciated, being wooed, being special is something that I miss.

Beachfan

No judgement here, just best wishes to everyone who follows their dream, whatever that dream might be.  I, personally, know that I don’t have the energy to pursue any new relationships in the future.  Like Crushed, over the years, I’ve always had male friends and co-workers with whom I’ve dined, traveled with for work, entertained in our home.  They remain friends to this day, but a “date” implies too much work for me.  Besides, I don’t have any makeup anymore and my dress up shoes are flip flops.  Good luck to all!

June45

Beachfan wrote:

 Besides, I don’t have any makeup anymore and my dress up shoes are flip flops. 

BF, that made me smile; my dress shoes are old sandals.  This is a fun thread. I will be living vicariously through others.  However, it would be nice to have someone pick me up for a dinner out and I don't have to wrestle to get them into the car.

Rescue mom

P probably should have been more specific with my earlier answer. I do get together with friends, and I’ve always had male and female friends and co-workers, and done platonic socializing. But “a date” to me implies more than platonic friendship, which I’m not interested in.

 I’ve known many dementia spouses who do enjoy those dating relationships, while their spouse is well cared for and not cognizant, and that’s fine for them. I’ve never even heard any criticism of them, either; people are just glad they can have some enjoyment still.

Lol, I recently rode in a car while somebody else drove. I noticed all kinds of things I hadn’t noticed before, and finally realized how unusual it is for me not to be the driver, and not having to “watch” DH for some weirdness, nor answer the same question/comment every 30 seconds….

Cynbar

I would love to go on a date, for all the reasons described above. I have girlfriends, but it's a different dynamic between a man and a woman. However, it's a romance that I don't want and I'm not sure if I ever will. My dad was widowed at age 60 and lived another 25 years. For a longtime, he had a "lady friend" as he called her ---- they went out to dinner and other places, she cooked him home cooked meals, they traveled occasionally but the boundaries were clear. They didn't move in together, didn't plunge into each other's family activities, weren't always present. This worked well for a number of years until her health failed and she moved in with a daughter far away. That's the kind of arrangement that I think would suit me, I don't know if I could feel the commitment I have had with my DH.

M1

Thanks for starting this Joe, it is a fun thread.  And more power to you, for sure.

I'm in the camp of just not having the energy to even think about it.  But I've felt that way for a long time, preceding my partner's dementia.  With our age difference, we've talked about it a lot over the years--but I just don't see another intimate relationship in my future.  That said, I do wonder if part of it is just my introvert tendencies, plus pandemic fatigue:  I don't remember how to interact with others in a personal way.

Maybe going on a date needs to be on my "duck it" list instead of my bucket list, as Stuck so aptly put it this week.  Sex too, for that matter!!!!  With or without the date.

Pooh Bear

DrinaJGB wrote:

The only time it even crosses my mind is when some gentleman rushes to open a door for me or smiles at me in a store.Once I nearly ran into a man and we got tangled up and  both started laughing. There was music playing in the store and I jokingly asked if he wanted to dance, and he said yes let's clear this aisle--lol!! It made my day.

  Just little things like that will make me smile for a day--it is not much, but it means a lot to me. As far as actually dating--not really. But it would be lovely to walk along a beach and sit and watch the sunset with someone who might have something interesting or funny to say--and who would like talking to me for a change.

.That's the thing I miss the most; the one thing I still grieve for.

Drina,

Your story about Target made me silently giggle to myself.  I've had the EXACT same thing happen to me, although in a Safeway, not Target.  It's silly that just an exchange of a few words, a smile, a human who can actually SPEAK to me makes my whole day better.  My husband no longer speaks.  At least, not in English.  I find myself being more talkative to ANYBODY on the telephone:  if I'm calling to make an appointment, or refill a prescription, or schedule a water heater repair, I'll spend extra time with whomever is on the phone.  Asking, oh how's your day going?  Gosh, you must be extra busy today>  Just small talk.  I am so very lonely.  I don't think most of us would even be here if it weren't for the all-encompassing loneliness.

There are times I go grocery shopping and there's a person in the parking lot (doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman) who may offer their shopping cart that they are finished with.  Or he/she may say something like "Nice day today, huh?" ... Just a few words.  But precious to my ears.

DrinaJGB

Pooh Bear---I completely understand. I talk to the plumber, HVAC tech, well repair guy, etc. I ask about their families and how their day is going. I make them food if it's around lunchtime. I get so lonely as you describe, and miss having any kind of conversation. DH is a man of few words now, and forgets  most of what I tell him, anyway.He can sit for hours and not say much of anything.

 DH is several years younger than I am, and I do not think I could ever trust any form of real dating that could lead to anything serious--I would always be waiting for him to get dementia-and never in one million years would I want to go through this again. I think the most I might do is a group participation, but not a real date...(as far as SEX--what is that???)-It's been too many years; and I wouldn't know what to do!

I did try a group site back before the pandemic---went out once and met some others at a wine bar. It was okay, but afterwards this one man kept messaging me to meet him, and he was rather relentless about it.Thank goodness the site did not disclose private email or phone numbers- because that really freaked me out, and I went into the site and completely deleted my profile. Just wasn't interested and it made me feel uncomfortable---and perhaps even a bit more lonely.

Think the best thing to do is stick with my dogs--lol--I picture us on a beach dancing in the sand under the moonlight!! I think they would like that

jfkoc

Interesting question. I have been thinking about it. My answer is no. I want to skip over dating to having a relationship with some nice old man. I want to say goodnight and goodmorning to him and feel the starch in his shirt.

Last Dance

 Linda has been gone for 4 years and while I have went to lunch and a few events with  four different women none of them can compare to Linda so dating them is completely out of the picture I can’t give them what they want and they can’t give me what I want.

 There are 3 women that interest me two of them I went to school with, however the problem is one of them is in the early stage of Alzheimer’s and the other one is married so they are out of the question, and the 3rd one is 10 years younger then me, I am not sure how she would feel about it if I asked her out. I guess I rather not know then be rejected.

 

 

  

Joe C.

I enjoyed reading everyone’s thoughts, hopes, fears and humor on this subject. I can see a little of my struggles in most of the comments. If I think of entering a committed relationship, yes there is a sense of fear but if I think about living out my life alone there is a sense of dread. Having a platonic relationship with female friends definitely feels like it’s lacking the emotional connection that I am missing. Perhaps the “lady friends” type relationship Cynbar described would be a happy medium.

Stuck in the middle

Joe C. wrote:

Perhaps the “lady friends” type relationship Cynbar described would be a happy medium.

That's what my FIL did.  My MIL died when he was about 75, and he began seeing a widow he had known since their children played together 40 years earlier.  He went to breakfast with his male friends, took care of whatever business he had that day, and met her for lunch and to spend the afternoon.  I don't know if any sex was involved or not; none of my business.

Kenzie56

I do daydream about having dinner with someone with whom I could actually converse, walking along the beach sharing stories without trying to decode jumbled words and sign language, sleeping soundly next to someone without without being awakened every hour on the hour, etc...but then I am jolted out of my happy place when I think about meeting someone and having to be a caregiver once again down the road. A "gentleman friend" may be the answer after my DH passes...but no strings attached. I am afraid this experience has scarred me from anything more. Maybe time heals all wounds...but I don't see it working for me.

DrinaJGB

Kenzie56--Ditto. My thoughts exactly.

JJAz

DrinaJGB wrote:

I would always be waiting for him to get dementia-and never in one million years would I want to go through this again.

Yes, this is my problem.  I took care of my Father and Husband for 5 years until they each died, within 6 months of each other (even though they were 30 years apart in age).  I would give practically anything to have the same kind of relationship that I had with my Husband, but I really, really don't want to take care of any more 'old men.'

Stuck in the middle

I guess we could set up "scholarship" programs for attractive college students in need of financial assistance.  Problem with that is, we would have conversations with phrases like "Elvis who?"