Have You Ever Want To Go On A Date?

RobertsBrown

Crushed wrote:

RobertsBrown wrote:

I love this thread and the hope in the air.

For me, I can't even let myself think about thinking about it.  Anything that offers a little affection for another represents a taking from my wife, and it scares me.

When we had our second child I had to toss this idea out the window!
IMHO love is not a fixed quantity

IMHO love and affection simply  do not work that way.  I have five grandchildren,  While money might have to be split among them affection and love does not  

I have a De Jure spouse with whom I cannot share any kind of love.  I can unilaterally lavish attention comfort and care on her. And I do.  But the sharing part of her is gone.  So I do without sharing or find some other connection.     Whatever I do , costs her NOTHING

I said it wrong.  What I was trying to say is that I am hanging on by a thread here, and the distraction of attraction would be certain to pull my attention away from my wife.  That takes me in a direction that I would not like to see in me.  Affection is a strong drug, and part of the BS of this disease is that it takes the affection away and leaves me aching.

DrinaJGB

Affection is a strong drug--absolutely. Heck, I will even got as far to say that attention is a strong drug. I have been without both for nearly a dozen years ,and it makes one feel invisible.

I was challenged yesterday at my own posting about not seeing it work for me at some later date in time.

I had someone come out to my home yesterday to whom I was referred to repair my 100 year old antique tall case clock that I have had for 30 years. It was given to me by my father and is my prized possession.It had not been working for a year. I was very nervous about someone new looking at it as the other horologist I had used and who knew my clock had retired and moved to Greece.

The man showed up and started to take the clock apart--telling me when it was made and where (Germany)---why this was used in the workings, why it had stopped working, and how to prevent it from occurring again, etc. He was so impressive and a true master craftsman.

  He kept working on the clock and telling me funny stories and interesting facts, and then we got on the subject of ancestors and different little tidbits that we knew about our heritages. He was a happy guy, and it was truly an uplifting experience just to be able to talk to someone about such interesting topics, and to have someone listen to me as well. The time he was here flew by--and I was frankly a little sorry to see him leave---with my beloved clock working beautifully.

I got to thinking about that little slice of undivided attention--that feeling that I actually mattered to another human being---and how hungry I have been without that attention for so many long and painful years.

  The thing that mostly surprised me is how much joy this nearly perfect stranger had brought me throughout the rest of my day--this former Marine who was a stellar craftsman.; this master of his trade who had my clock chiming with a perfect and clear beat--the sound resonating again throughout my home that made me smile all day; remembering my father who had given it to me so many years ago. It was a simple but meaningful gift to myself; as was the man who had repaired it for me.

I later realized that, yes, I might be able to consider the possibility of being with someone else down the road if fate indeed warranted it. It does make one ache for sure; that feeling that you have been lost somewhere, and there is absolutely nobody looking for you anymore.

Stuck in the middle

Drina, that is a beautiful story.  

Meals on Wheels says loneliness is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes per day.  You have reminded us that one need not be alone to be lonely.

abc123

Judith, your mentioning a starched shirt made my heart ache.

NylaBlue

Years ago DH asked my widowed mother if she was interested in dating again, to which she replied “Why would I want a man around again telling me what to do all the time?”.  DH and I were best friends before AD, but now I cherish the rare occasions when I can spend the whole day answerable only to myself, usually because I’m having medical treatment in a city about two hours away. Sad that I look forward to this but there it is.

larrymanire

I've now experienced about year of my DWs early dementia/COPD and inability to tolerate much sex due to extreme fatigue and I'm already fantasying about enjoying it with another partner of some sort.  My first 25 year marriage was so bad I escaped it with a lot of affairs and in fact should have married one of them.  But, in my second marriage, I've been faithful to my DW of 32 years.  She would be devastated if I had an affair because she was hurt similarly in a previous marriage, and I can tell you, from a lot of experience, it is extremely difficult to hide an affair!  All it takes is one little piece of evidence, thing out of place, or something out of the ordinary for it to become obvious to a partner.  So if you don't have your partner's blessing to find some other (especially sexual) company make sure you have all the bases covered!  I assume that, even if my DW is in a nursing home, I would have to watch out for relatives and friends on the outside that could take offense and spill the beans.  I'm dreading years of sexual frustration ahead and doing it manually just ain't the same!

Joe C.

Army_Vet & Larry, Thank you both for your words of wisdom & sharing your experience. Right now these are just feelings/daydreams due to the loneliness of this journey. I don’t know if I will ever head down this road but I must admit that at some level the desire is there.

karwiy

I love the utter candor and vulnerability of this thread - I see me in all of you. It's complicated to say the least. But yes, a quiet dinner with a man in a starched collar, over a bottle of wine, with good conversation, no strings or implications, would go a long way I think. Thanks for this .  A breath of fresh air.

Bob C

Glad to see this and the entire set of comments. This topic has been on my mind for months, need to take more time and read through the thread carefully, but when quickly looking through it there were already some "yes, I know that feeling" moments. 

Thanks...

CStrope

Personally, I have to admit that I think about this often.  I want someone to tell me a joke and make me laugh, to split a piece of cheesecake with me, and to listen to me tell about my day at work.  I especially want someone to plan a vacation with me.  We have not been on a vacation for over 10 years.  Every time I wanted to plan something, my DH would refuse to leave the dogs, and so no vacation would ever come to fruition.  Looking back now I realize it was the start of this horrible disease.  His obsession with the dogs has only increased, and now even going to the grocery store requires them to come along.

I just want to be a person again....not a caretaker, just a person.  Someone who enjoys a good conversation, a good dinner, a good drink, and possibly a vacation.  My fear is that this disease will take us both down before that's possible.