Unorthodox Care Plan (MC)

Joe C.

I have my own little version of “Mordern Family” with my stepdaughter and her family including DW’s ex-husband. Over the years this extended family unit has evolved from probably avoiding social get togethers in the early days, to accepting that we could all gather to celebrate births, birthdays, holidays and graduations to the point where we could all get together just to go out for diner.

DW’s ex-husband has also been exhibiting cognitive decline in recent years. As dementia took hold DW & her Ex have began behaving like long lost friends, when we get together they will interact more with each other than with the other people present. I know that this bond that DW and her Ex have been exhibiting is a result of their dementias and I have not let it bother me.

A couple of months ago I suggested to my stepdaughter that we consider future care for DW and her Ex as one plan rather than two separate plans. Initially the idea sounded crazy but we kept it on the table. Fast forward to today, DW’s Ex has gone from living at home with some outside support to being hospitalized for a medical condition then rehab, Assisted Living & Memory Care all in rapid succession. Now the plan of a joint care plan is sounding less & less crazy. Last night I went with my stepdaughter to a CELA to review what her father had in place and what needed to be done. By the time we left that meeting we had arrived at the decision to seriously investigate the possibility of placing them both together and in a companion suite if possible.

I see many benefits and many challenges to this arrangement. If we could make this work I believe they would both benefit from more visitation, my stepdaughter would not have to run from facility to facility looking after her parents and they would have each other to lean on. The hurdles to get over including finding a MC that could/would accommodate this situation, working out the financials, spinning a story as to why they were living together again and probably many more things we have not considered.

Am I crazy! I think not.

French

No Joe, this doesn’t sound crazy to me but open minded and generous. It’s a very good idea.

Everybody will benefit from this arrangement.

- You will feel less guilty if your wife is better

- your stepdaughter will see both of them in one visit

- they won’t be alone, they will have more visits

- perhaps les expensive? 

No doubt I would also do that… but my partner ex hasn’t Alzheimer.

I see a lot of pro, but no con. Do you see some disadvantages or risks ? Other people will perhaps think to things you haven’t seen. It is one thing I like in this forum.

Beachfan

Joe,

If you’re crazy, then I am as well.  I think your plan is ingenious, selfless, and designed to meet everyone’s needs.  If more people learned to co-exist, care for,  and respect one another, what a great world we’d have!  (And your stepdaughter is a gem, BTW!). Best of luck going forward.  I would love to think that my DH would have a good friend/companion should he enter MC.  

Jo C.

Joe; I echo Beachfan's input; what a marvelous, selfless, caring, kind and loving idea - and what a blessing you and your step-daughter are! 

Let us know how it is going and how it all works out.  This appears to be a perfect solution for all concerned and may go far in maintaining as good a quality of life as can be for your dear wife and her ex-husband friend.

Kudos and a big hug being sent to you and step-daughter.

J.

EllisA

Absolutely NOT.  You hit that nail right on the head and scored a grand slam home run too!!!!!  Really  You two should be very proud and excited for the excellent compromise and solution.  Go fast forward with God's speed, Blessing and prayers from all ,of us.  thank you for sharing!!!!  God Bless you

Ed1937

I agree, Joe. You're not crazy. I think it's great when people can go their own ways, and still be friendly with the new family.

I also think you have your head on straight when you consider the likely benefits and possible pitfalls. If you could work out something like you described, that has the potential for a win-win-win. And it would free you up for a new life. Like many others here, your spouse has been lucky to have you in her corner. I really hope it works out well for you.

M1

You have my vote too, Joe--go for it.  Let us know what you find out.

June45

That is a great idea!! Win, Win for everybody!!!!

jfkoc

brilliant!

David J

I am joining the chorus Joe!  You are not crazy, you are a loving, caring, brilliant man!

June45

Beachfan wrote:

 I would love to think that my DH would have a good friend/companion should he enter MC.  

I agree wholeheartedly with Beachfan. Whether it is male or female, makes no difference to me!  I want my husband to be happy.

eaglemom

I think that is a brilliant plan. It is a win win for you and your step daughter. I don't know if I would have thought of this arrangement, thanks for sharing. Job well done.

eagle

caberr

When I think of MC, which would be way down the road (I think), it scares me that DH would be alone.  You and your stepdaughter have a brilliant idea!

abc123

Joe C,  I don't think you are crazy, I think you are a good man! You are kind, loving AND considerate of other peoples feelings. I respect that in a person.

Joydean

Joe, I’m joining in with all the other folks here! Your wife will have a close friend right there with her ! A truly unselfish plan! God bless you and your stepdaughter. Please let us know how it goes!

amicrazytoo

Joe - That sounds like a win win for all involved!  You are not crazy! Very smart, very loving, and oh so creative!

Doityourselfer

Sounds like a great plan!

Buggsroo

What a wonderful generous plan to help out your wife and her ex husband. I hope it goes really well, you are wonderful to have figured it out. Bravo.

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LadyTexan

That is an excellent idea! What a clever and creative, "outside the box" solution!

God bless you for being so selfless and open to the arrangement. 

White Crane

Joe, it sounds like a win to me. I hope it works out for you.

Joe C.

Update: This plan is moving ahead at warp speed. Friday I called my preferred MC, where I had put down a deposit 2 years ago, and they had a suite opening up on 11/12 that would accommodate two residents. They said another couple was coming to look at it Friday afternoon but since I had placed a deposit, we had the “Right To First Refusal”. My stepdaughter went to look at the suite on Saturday and thought it would work. Today I took DW there for an assessment and she seamed to fit right in. While they were doing the assessment I completed final questions/negotiation and reserved the suite. We still have much to do including and assessment for DW’s Ex, getting furniture, picking out & labeling clothes & a ton of paperwork. This is an emotional roll a coaster but still fells like we are doing the right thing. I will update as we progress.

Ed1937

Joe, I think if you get this thing going as planned, you will look back on your decision thinking you made a good choice. I understand you can't help but feel emotional about it.

Beachfan

Joe,

Your post gave me the chills.  On Friday, my daughter, daughter-in-law and son took DH to my preferred MC facility for a final "tour" and chat session.  I have been ditzing around for two years and finally decided that May 1st (2022) was D-Day.  I was using COVID and ease of care for him as an excuse for not moving forward.  I don't know what straw broke the camel's back, but last week I called and set up a meeting for all of us on Friday and we chose Friday, November 12, as the drop off date for a 30 day respite.  We are all in agreement that after the 30 days, unless there is some cataclysmic occurrence, DH will take up permanent residence.  I have completed much of the paperwork, and, having taken along a 4 page "manifesto" detailing DH's routine, likes, dislikes, idiosyncrasies, strategies that work with him, etc., the facility staff feels familiar with him already.  I have been gathering and marking clothing, setting up final appointments for COVID testing, COVID booster and Flu shots and keeping busy not thinking about it.  I feel alternately at peace and queasy in the same moment.  

I will be thinking of you, your DH and all of your family and praying for you as you (and I) approach November 12.  Best wishes.

JoseyWales

I just have to agree with the others, that this sounds like a good plan. It will be nice for both of them to have somewhat familiar faces around all the time. That's one of the biggest things I worry about for my DH.

I'm so glad you have your stepdaughter there to help. She sounds amazing.

M1

Beachfan and Joe, will be thinking about both of you.

Jeff86

What an extraordinary turn of events.  Joe, the arrangements you’re in the process of making for your DW and her ex are nothing short of amazing.  Such generosity of spirit and thinking on your part, and on your stepdaughter’s.  Fingers crossed this remarkable arrangement works as conceived.

What a telescoped time frame.  Probably just as well, as placement is perhaps the hardest decision we caregivers are forced to make.  So best to be super busy with all the last minute arrangements.

Eerie, Beachfan, that you and Joe have the same date for placement.  

Wishing you both the smoothest possible transitions.  You have both been extraordinary, dedicated caregivers and I am glad for you that you are allowing other to take on the load with you.

Nowhere

Joe,

It’s a beautiful plan for companionship for your wife and her ex. It will provide you and your step daughter peace of mind. The last needs for a human before death is that of love and belonging and to feel safe. You clearly love and respect your wife. Alzheimer’s turns everything upside down and accepting it is a form of Grace.

Beachfan,

Trust that you have made the right decision. I believe after you place your husband you will feel all sorts of conflicting emotions; I know I did. Lots of tears with moments of exhilaration. Slowly it will become clear that what you and your extended family’s needs matter, too. No one can save another from life. There comes a point when the direction one has been traveling is no longer a healthy choice. It feels urgent and necessary when the alternative is no longer acceptable. Albeit sad. Letting go and change is hard, but you’re not abandoning him. He will be safe, cared for by a team, and his care supervised by you. 

All the best to you both and your loved ones moving forward. 

Joe C.

Beachfan, Incredible the we are on such a parallel path. Our move in date will be sometime after the 12th given we need to get the room ready. You will be in my thoughts & prayers in the coming weeks.

Beachfan

Thank you, Jeff, M1, Nowhere, and of course, reliable "Joe" (I feel like we are kindred spirits somehow.) Sorry to have hijacked the original thread.  

Joe, we had to pick a date to work backwards from to meet the COVID testing guidelines (7 days) and the medical evaluation (72 hours).  I,  of course, was hemming and hawing, and my giant retired Marine Colonel son said, in true military fashion: "Look, let's just shoot for November 12" and so it was done.  The rooms are furnished unless there is a specific item the family wishes to provide.  DH will only need clothing and personal items (electric shaver, toothbrush, etc.)  The director suggested maybe bringing any items the day before, and on the day of, just pulling up to the door and DH will be met and escorted in.  It sounds so uncaring, but DH is so compromised at this point, his leave taking will mean nothing to him.  

Whenever I begin to doubt or question our decision, in my mind's eye I see my daughter last Friday, seated in the corner, crying quietly.  The director said, "You're upset.  Are you worried about your Dad?"  She said, "A little, but I really want my mom back".  Spoken like a true 42 year old toddler!  I just want it to be over, one way or another, and then I'll deal.  Best of luck, stay strong.  

June45

Beachfan, after you get your husband settled, come down to Florida and help me get my husband in MC. Since you are a fan of the beach, you would love our beautiful white sand beaches here!!