Odd situation

SW0416

Sounds strange but I care for my girlfriend's wife. She was originally diagnosed with Parkinson's 8 years ago then it was determined it was parkinsonism. Progressive super nuclear policy with dementia, her father had lewy body dementia. My problem is her delusions and hallucinations are directed with my daughter it's a personal attack but I'm not sure how to handle it on a professional level so I'm looking for advice. I know she doesn't know what she's saying but it's a persistent consistent attack so I'm looking for advice on how to deal with it at the advice of my therapist which I have had to get since having to deal with this. I want to be professional but I want to go off and want to snap don't understand it I'm asking for help to understand this.

sandwichone123

SW0416, you'll get good advice and information here. Reading what you say, it strikes me that your priority needs to be your daughter. You don't say how old the daughter is, but it is your responsibility to protect her. If someone is attacking her you need to make that stop, even if you are getting paid to care for this person. If this person is in your home they need to get another situation ASAP. You only get one chance at raising your child.

Cynbar

This does seem to come up --- a person with dementia develops a negative fixation on one person, and will not let it go. Unfortunately, it is very hard to deal with because the person is convinced it is true, and no amount of rational discussion is going to convince her it isn't true. Her brain isn't working right, she can't process things rationally like most people can. You don't say much about your daughter ---- is she a child who is being exposed to these attacks, or is she older and living elsewhere and doesn't have to listen to the nastiness? Does your girlfriend's mother live with you? There is a line here you must not cross, your first obligation is to protect your child.  If she is being verbally attacked, in person, you need to make other arrangements as soon as possible ---- move out, tell your girlfriend she needs to make another plan for her mother, whatever it takes. I'm sorry, you probably hoped we would have some advice on how to stop the attacks, but it's not likely to happen too soon (they will probably go away on their own after a period of time, but a lot of psychological damage to your child could be done by then.) Good luck at working this uncomfortable situation out.

harshedbuzz

SW-

Welcome.

This is a difficult situation. Unfortunately, some PWD struggle with children because of their noise, energy and attention they draw away from "their" caregiver. It a very common situation for those in the sandwich generation who are tending grandkids in a bid to help their own kids while tending to an aging parent WD. One poor woman here had a mom who glommed onto her preschool aged daughter as the enemy and spray her down with what she thought was insecticide. 

Unless your daughter is older- and perhaps spending most of her time elsewhere to live, attend school or work, this might not be a workable solution. One of the aspects of professional caregiving for those who work in the field is that they get regular hours, days off and don't have any real emotional skin in the game. You might be an adept caregiver, but not appropriate in this caregiving situation. 

That said, has mom seen a geriatric psychiatrist for medication? I had an aunt and grandmother with SNP; grandmom's behavior was awful but auntie's was well managed. Part of that could be personality and differing disease impacts but I know my cousin who oversaw auntie's care worked at MGH and had access to the best professionals for her mom. 

HB

mommyandme (m&m)

That is a strange scenario, your girlfriends wife, not mother.  

Nevertheless, your daughters age will dictate how to handle the situation.  

As described above, I try to help my daughter with her 3 yr old when I can but my moms reaction is usually exasperation when my granddaughter is around. She actually bopped the babe on her head. Completely shocked me.  I thought when we moved mom here she’d get such great quality time with great-grandkids.  Unfortunately that’s not the case.  

This road is no fun.