2022 Happy New Year Really?

LizG55

Hi everyone,

It's hard to hear Happy New Year as for me I don't think it will be too happy. it will be more like the year of losses. I expect my husband will not be able to live out the year with me, and I might have to give up my pets because of vet and travel costs. It will be hard to live without his income and having to contribute to assisted living. Don't really know what will happen to me and before that, it will be hard to actually say goodbye when he has to leave. I think he will forget who I am within a month of not seeing me. He knows me but I don't know that he connects what our relationship is except for me being the on duty nurse. 

So mostly I'm sad. I have a lot of anger too at how our life fell apart and what will become of me. I have some special circumstances health wise I don't want to go into but suffice to say, it will be a hard year. So I can't share in the joy of the Happy New Year Fiesta I just saw on TV with people laughing and having fun. I turned it off.  I still wonder how they can play "what a wonderful world" scratching my head on that one between all the deaths this past year, and all the problems in the world. Nice song but not appropriate for the times anymore, makes me angry.. major denial song.

Anyway, sorry about my rant but unhappy camper here not looking forward to the next day any day... so surely not dancing on the tables for the new year.

M1

Liz I understand how you feel, all those different challenges can feel overwhelming. And fools abound. I wish for you the courage and fortitude to keep putting one foot in front of the other. This forum is with you on your journey.

abc123

Dear Liz, I get what you’ve said. I spent last night packing and load up the Jeep, fixing to make a 9 hour drive to check on my parents. I’ll be thinking of you.

LadyTexan

Liz, M1 and abc, 

I sincerely understand. I was feeling quite low last night. 

It was less than celebratory in our home last night. DH was ready to go to bed at 4:30 pm. We were in bed by 5 pm. I could hear the neighborhood revelers shooting fireworks. When we got up this morning, there was a rat tail in DH's chair, on the back porch and a dead rat body on the front porch. 

If I think too far into the future, I am overwhelmed and sad. I try to stay mindful of the moment and focus on the task in front of me. So I picked up the rat and threw him in the trash can. The rat is dead, so I am happy. By eliminating my expectations, the small wins (dead rat) have become big wins.

Our life is different than we planned. I still have much to be grateful for. We have a roof over our head. We have clean water. DH is content right now. The rat is dead. I am grateful for those blessings.

No doubt the future is scary and uncertain. As a woman of faith, I try to fear not. May God bless you and give you strength to face what lies ahead.

Best wishes for happiness in the new year.

Jeff86

Liz, your post captures well the sad truth that caregivers have little to look forward to—another year of disease progress, uncertainty about the next behavioral and physical challenges to come, further losses as we travel further along the AD road.

New Year’s celebrations are a lot about beginnings, possibilities, fresh starts.  That’s not what we see when we look into the future.  We see a disease that takes our LO further and further away from us, bit by painful bit.

My DW was in bed last night by 8:00, which is true most nights.  Odd to stay up for hours, on my own, waiting to greet the new year, listening to the hilarity of others.

I hope for all of us a year of relative tranquility, and of challenges no greater than what we are able to handle.  May we recognize and rejoice in the small wins, and take a moment now and then to acknowledge our caregiving triumphs.  

June45

Liz...I hear you.

 Jeff...well said.

Cynbar

Hardest thing for me has been seeing all the happy pictures of friends and family celebrating --- at restaurants, house parties, or just couples happily welcoming the new year together. No festive, loving celebrations in my house ---- just loneliness. I've never felt more isolated. Sigh. I'll be so glad when we dive into January and finally put this endless holiday season behind us.

June45

LadyTexan wrote:

When we got up this morning, there was a rat tail in DH's chair, on the back porch and a dead rat body on the front porch. 

If I think too far into the future, I am overwhelmed and sad. I try to stay mindful of the moment and focus on the task in front of me. So I picked up the rat and threw him in the trash can. The rat is dead, so I am happy. By eliminating my expectations, the small wins (dead rat) have become big wins.

LT,

It has come to this...a dead rat is a big win.  I choose to giggle at the thought of that (instead of crying)!

Lynne D

Liz,

Unfortunately we can all empathize. We (us caregivers and our loved ones) have lost so much. Sometimes I don’t feel like I will be able to cope, but along comes another day and I get through it.

Like LadyTexan, I revel in the small victories and pleasures. (Truth be told, I am quite adept at gopher killing, and it is quite satisfying because they are so destructive.)

I had the pleasure of my first sip of coffee looking at a glorious sunrise. The sun seemed to be shooting out rainbows. It is one degree here (1, uno) and there must be ice crystals in the sky. It was spectacular and lifted my spirits. Anyway, I hope you can find moments like that which nourish your soul and give you hope to carry on.

If not, I suggest rodent killing.

Rescue mom

Ditto to what Cynbar said. New Years for us was a night to spend at home with friends (now gone), but seeing other people celebrate and having “couple fun” is painful, then I feel guilty for being envious. It also makes me think about how DH used to say New Years Eve is “amateur night” so best stay home. Memories of better times…..Next week can’t come soon enough.

LadyTexan

I should have included context regarding the rat. He moved into our attic Christmas eve and was disrupting our nights by scratching the wood inside the walls. I was getting less sleep than usual because the noise riled up the dog and generally creeped me out. An exterminator set up traps and a bait station. The exterminator and I agreed that a dead rat is a good rat. Hence the win.

The other win, is my personal growth. Predementia, a dead (or living) rodent would spook me and I historically would call a man to dispose of the carcass. Fast forward to this dementia life and I don't even blink. I just do what needs to be done.

Dead rat + personal growth = double win

Ed1937

I think we all agree that we are not looking for the new year the same way others are. But for all of us here, I wish you multiple breaks in the glass wall that divides us. If you don't know what I'm talking about.......... https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147559338  Thanks again to Beachfan.

June45

LadyTexan wrote:

The other win, is my personal growth. Predementia, a dead (or living) rodent would spook me and I historically would call a man to dispose of the carcass. Fast forward to this dementia life and I don't even blink. I just do what needs to be done.

Dead rat + personal growth = double win

LT, you donned a pair of blue gloves and that dead rat was history.  You have had to handle much worse with those gloves.  (thumbs up for personal growth!)

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M1

LT I am glad to have the context on the rat also.  For a while I was wondering whether is was a Hap shenanigan.  Glad is wasn't, I guess!!

White Crane

Liz, New Years isn't what it used to be around here either.  There is no way it can be,  I used to look forward to the trips we were going to take and the friends and family we were going to see.  Now those trips are gone...so is eating out which I used to enjoy.  And yet there are still things to be thankful for.  Like LT's dead rat, I am thankful the downstairs toilet didn't run all night.  Now that is something to be thankful for since our water bill is high enough!  And when I see DH snoozing comfortably in his favorite chair and know he is content for the moment, that is something to be thankful for.  And when he helps me fold the laundry, that is another thing.  The bad days can be really bad and there are times when all I want is for this horrid disease to be over!  The day eventually ends though and in the morning, DH has lost all memory of the previous days rants and complaints.  He just wants a warm hug and his bowl of cereal and orange juice.  With God's help, I get by a day at a time.  And on the days when it seems I can't, all of you are here to tell me I can.  Sending hugs.

Paris20

I think all of us on these boards understand the sadness that thoughts of a new year bring. The anticipation of losses and the grief we endure can be overwhelming. My beagle, with terminal cancer, will die this year. My 99 year old mother, like dear Betty White, may not make it to 100 this year. I dare not even think about what my husband will be like in a year. I hope I am ready and prepared for it. We try to think of everything but invariably forget or fail to predict what can happen. Rages, incontinence, imbalance, weight loss, incomprehension will all be there but what more will I face by 1/1/23? Maybe I shouldn’t ask

Buggsroo

Liz, I battle anger and depression regularly. Last night seeing things on TV about New Year’s Eve just depressed me, so watched a series of Barney Miller on YouTube and laughed out loud. It was exactly what I needed to get me through the bad patch. 

My husband gets up every couple of hours, jacks up the heat and because of this pandemic, I am trapped in the house. Talking to him is an exercise in futility. It’s like talking to a doorknob. I know I sound bitter but I honestly wonder how much of this sh-- I can take. 

No advice here, I hope things look up for you as I hope they look up for me. You have come to the right place, there’s great advice here.

CStrope

I have a group of 6 highschool girlfriends that occasionally get a text chat going.  Last night someone started it with a general Happy New Year text, and others chimed in with the traditional wishes for blessings, and great 2022's for all.

At first I was really really sad by it all, then I finally found my way to chime in.  I said, "I do not look forward to what 2022 may or may not bring me, but I am very grateful to be heading into the new year with such wonderful friends".

This way I was able to tell them how I'm feeling about venturing into another year of dealing with my husband's Alzheimer's, while letting know I appreciate them and wish them all well.

Hubby went to bed at 8:00, I sat up and binge watched a Netflix show until 1:00

LizG55

M1- thank you. I am glad to be here I need the support to keep up with keeping up and to find the strength to deal with everything. I finally ate dinner at 11 PM tonight and am so tired, I cringe at the thought of waking up to start another day... a bad episode of Groundhog day.

LizG55

abc123... I with you safety on your journey. I suppose you've arrived by now and hope you are alright. I'm sorry I was slow in answering my post, I was so exhausted.  Let us know how you make out... and thank you for commenting on my rant.

LizG55

Lady Texan,

Thank you for your comments. I'm glad you can find joy in the small things as they say. I am told to try and do that also.. maybe  once I am not so exhausted... 

LizG55

Jeff86 wrote:

. You put it so well Jeff. Right for us all those new beginnings are more like endings.  Same here, I watched for a few minutes my old home town bring in the New Year and it just made me feel more empty then I do already. All that gaiety needed to be turned off. \

You wrote: I hope for all of us a year of relative tranquility, and of challenges no greater than what we are able to handle.  May we recognize and rejoice in the small wins, and take a moment now and then to acknowledge our caregiving triumphs.  

Beautifully said and thank you... I wish that for you as well.

LizG55

June.. thank you..

LizG55

Cynbar wrote:

Hardest thing for me has been seeing all the happy pictures of friends and family celebrating --- at restaurants, house parties, or just couples happily welcoming the new year together. No festive, loving celebrations in my house ---- just loneliness. I've never felt more isolated. Sigh. I'll be so glad when we dive into January and finally put this endless holiday season behind us.

Cynbar... I really hear you. The loneliness is pretty hard to deal with.  Same here... just feeling like I don't belong anywhere. I'm sorry you are feeling the way you do and I hope that for you and all of us, we are allowed some reprieve from all this sadness and the loneliness. 

LizG55

Lynne D wrote:

Liz,

Hi Lynne,,, Thank you for the many kind words, yes unfortunately as you say everyone gets it .  The losses are very hard to bear. 

I know we have to focus on the small things but it does still leave a heavy heart and a lot of sadness plus of course the loneliness  of all this loss. 

I am trying to take it one day at a time and focus on what I can do and in fact do, and give myself credit at least for that. The days are hard work and I need to remind myself of what I do accomplish. I took a small break this afternoon and was sitting outside hearing the birds sing. Made me feel a little alive, so I know what you mean.    

LizG55

White Crane wrote:

Like you,  I miss our traveling too, I miss everything.   I know there are things to be thankful for but I really have to work on that. I could make a list of things to be grateful for but I still feel sad, lonely and fighting a lot of despair. It's a process, It's going to take me time. My water bill will be a doozy because I have a washer that's leaking. he used to fix everything  

I do understand what you're saying, I'm still stuck in a lot of places that aren't so good,  I work so hard and the long days. Not used to eating dinner alone and have no desire to eat. 

 yes, the one day at a time is really where it is at for me as well... no other way to deal with all this chaos and loss. I'll tell you one thing I say to myself almost every night. When I get in the shower I say thank God I can still take a shower as I watched my father unable once his Alz took hold and now it's my husband... so that has always hit me. That I can still function, [ay bills, do laundry and take care of all these jobs. As tired as I am, I'm glad I still have that ability.  Hugs to you too  

LizG55

Paris20 wrote:

I'm sorry Paris about your dog.  I have a sick pet at the moment too and that's killing me also.  It's hard to not think of all these things but I do agree with what a lot of people said about mindfulness and not to project too much. I do it too, and I try to catch myself. I let myself cry it out and then stand up and get back to work. We don't have the so called control we'd like to feel we have.  We would all make ourselves a mess if we thought about what might be coming all the time.  One day at a time, it's the only way. One minute at a time if necessary and take things as they come that's all you can do. Don't take everything all at once. As sad and depressed as I am, that's how I get through the days. I do my work, and then I have a couple of hours at night to unwind then I start over again! It's a really rough journey we all need each other.. hang in.. don't think about next year.. who knows? Just back to staying in the present moment. 

LizG55

Buggsroo wrote:

I'm sorry you're dealing with the depression too but if we weren't depressed that would seem odd don't you think? But it's he**, no question about that.  I get upset too believe me. He can't help it but I'm so tired and he does these things I just want to run outside and scream like in an old Honeymooners show I saw years ago where Alice yelled out the window.  Sometimes I feel I just can't move anymore and he needs this or that and I'm thinking pleeeeassse let me get done so  I can finally rest for a while. My husband is always freezing so when I go in his room it's  like 100 degrees, but that is common just not fun for me. We all need to hang in there...thanks for writing.

RobertsBrown

Hi Liz,

I came on here today for a mini-rant, but after reading your post and this thread I find I have a different purpose.

Yeah, watching the happy drunks yelling "Happy New Year!" is a little rough, but I have already done that for decades myself. This disease sucks because it steals the memories from our loved ones, but it does not get to steal mine.  I am happy my kids don't have to deal with their mom, and that I can provide sufficient cover that they can ignore our plight with a minimum of guilt.  I am glad that my wife has dementia instead of some painful fatal disease. I am looking forward to the good days, a dry wipe, a meal actually eaten, and seeing my wife safe and warm and sleeping a peaceful sleep.  There are good moments in every day.  When it's bad, my power of denial is very strong too.

I am grateful for support lines, and support forums, family phone calls, farm help, and seeing happy dogs blissfully unaware that the humans are not doing so hot.

I absolutely refuse to be jealous of the happy idiots.  I still believe I will get to be one again some day.  For now, my formulae seems to be that every win is a HUGE win, and every loss is a minor bump in the road.  F**k this S**t.  We can beat it.

Crushed

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