When can i go home

ChrisVoorhis

Just cant get past the i want to go home issue. Every night is has become our conversation. She wants to know when we are going home, i try and deflect it but she keeps coming back to it, this is so depressing. She wants something we cant do and i cant stop her from talking about it and if i ignore it she is mad at me all night. This is so crazy, any suggestions. It never happens when someone is here only when they are gone. Also, I cant go anywhere during the day cause she is mad at me if i am not by her side and that is going to hurt me physically, eventually. After 10 years this is really starting to affect me. Need to know how to get out when a caregiver is here but my DW expects me to sit with her the whole time! Any suggestions others have experienced that might help.

Bill_2001

They always want to go home. It is a recurring theme among Alzheimer's/dementia sufferers. I don't understand it either. One thing I have learned is that these phases of behavior seem to eventually pass, so I hope this one does for your loved one.

I have a senior visitor here once a week to occupy my dear wife while I "have some time to myself." That has not worked out, as my wife wants me right in the room the whole time. The visitor was supposed to relieve some stress for me, but these visits are actually just another burden. I am probably just going to cancel them.

Keep trying the deflection. I have found that music works miracles, even at odd times of the day. It activates a part of the brain that still seems to work and has been really helpful for us. And not just old-timey music - punk rock, folk, prog rock, country, metal, whatever. Really surprised me.

Stuck in the middle

My family moved about three blocks to a larger house during the summer before my youngest brother started school.  He was fine in July and August, but in September he began crying and asking to move back to the smaller house.  My mother explained to me that he didn't want the old house, he wanted to be a little boy again.  I see now that he wanted his freedom to explore life, rather than sit at a desk in a row of desks doing what he was told to do.

I think a PWD who wants to go "home" wants something like my brother wanted, youth, memory, agency.  And, like him, what is wanted is something we can't give them.  

Some people use procrastination as a calming tool.  We'll go home "tomorrow" when the roof is repaired, or when the power of love overcomes the love of power, or . . .

Pam BH

Thanks, Stuck. I think you hit on the reason for wanting to go home, to be where they felt safe and everything was happy. I'll remember that tonight when DH wants to know when we're leaving and says this is a home but not our home. What turmoil must be in their minds.

Paris20

My husband asks when we are going home from 4-6 pm every day. Sometimes it’s easy to play along because he’ll make it a question like “Are we going home tomorrow?” At other times I just wing it and create a fiblet-du-jour. Going home tomorrow is a standby. When the storm ends is another. You get the idea. The goal is to pacify and stop the inquiry.

fthoelen

II could have written your post.  Experiencing the same issue.  On days i go into office, i get on average close to 10 calls asking when i'm going to pick her up and take her home.  Then, most nights, she will continue to ask when we are going home or where are we sleeping tonight.  The confusion is accelerating and so hard to wrap my head around.

Ed1937

My wife experiences what I think is sundowning. Every day sometime usually after 3 o'clock she'll want me to take her to "three to elevens". She uses that term for any word she can't find, and expects me to know what she's talking about. She gets angry with me if I won't take her. It's hard. Only a few times has she asked to "go home".

Norm 22

DW wants to go home sometimes also.  One book I read says this is when memory loss has taken the recent years away and "home" is what the remaining brain power remembers from childhood.

sandwichone123

I saw one source that suggested distracting by asking what they would do at home--what would be different, what they're looking forward to there. I haven't tried it, but it sounds more hopeful to me than either telling the truth--there's no where to go--or lying.

RobertsBrown

Chris, this is exactly me.  Exactly.

It's crazy to hear this from someone else.  I deflect, and agree, and deflect, and agree, and on it goes.

Calling her family sometimes buys me a few hours, and then reminding her that we talked to her family buys a few more, but we circle right back to it.  On good days I can get her to go to bed while telling me she doesn't live here, or sleep there, or she is leaving...and she falls asleep. On bad days we can stay up into the single digits, fussing and figiting and talking about how she needs to go home.

nancyj194

Hi Chris, I feel for you during this difficult time. It's a rough road we are all on.

When my MIL fell and broke her pelvis and went to rehab, then into nursing home care, she would ask me every day we went to visit her, when am I going home. I would say, "not yet."

I'm not sure if she accepted the answer, but she stopped asking that day.  Next time we visited, she would ask again and I repeated the "not yet" to her.  One day my sister in law, her daughter, responded to her mother that she was never going home again. It broke my heart to hear her say that.  Within a week my MIL died.  

Pam BH

This is exactly us too.  I would love to know where "home" is but haven't been able to come up with the right questions yet except he says it'll take us about 3 hours to get there. I like the idea of asking what he'll do when he gets there. I think I need to stop asking questions and focus on diverting since answers to the questions will only help me, not his anxiety. He does get visibly frustrated when I don't respond like he wants and then shuts down the conversation. It must be terrible to think you're somewhere you don't want to be, no one will take you where you want to be, and you have no way of doing it yourself.

SandiLu

Hello Everyone, I am new today to this group. My DH wants to go home almost every night. I tried music, distraction and reasoning but it does not work now. He was getting angry and violent about me not getting him home. The doctors are working on medication for him and have gotten the physical anger toned down. However his meanness and not knowing me and anger at not being able to leave are still strong. The Sundowners seems to be coming earlier each evening. I am so tired and exhausted of fighting almost every night. I joined hoping to find some new tricks to ease this situation. Read some of the comments from others going through this and it was heartwarming to know I am not alone but also heartbreaking that so many people are going through this too. God, help us. DH is 82, I am 78 and we have been married and lived in this same house for over 50 years.

LouiseD

Hi all. I've not posted before, but I was wondering if you should talk to your doctor again about a different med or a stronger dose. It seems like the doctor and I are tweaking my DH's meds every few months. Also, any change in our routine, makes my DH a little agitated. The other day, I wasn't feeling well and needed to rest in bed for an hour. He was agitated and unsettled all day. The next day, he was so tired by the end of the day, he put himself to bed at 4:00 p.m. The doctor explained that it is very tiring for him to process and adjust to anything and everything the day has to offer him. Oh, and another thing I do when he is tired and agitated and starts to direct his anger toward me is I tell him I have to put the clothes in the dryer, but I will be right back, or I have to check on dinner in the kitchen. Me physically leaving him for a few minutes gives us both a break and sometimes, he redirects on his own after that. Hope this helps.

ClarkEb

Going home is a big part of our day. It can start with her collecting item and placing in the car before breakfast and, some days numerous times during the day. Distracting, etc do not usually have any impact. And we go for a ride. We have pre-dinner, post-dinner1 and post-dinner 2 etc. I usually plan for some errand after breakfast, that usually distracts her for the morning trips. she used to ask when we are going home. For the longest time “I’ll know tomorrow if the work is done” would work. Now, it’s just packing the car or threats of “ok, I’ll just walk home”. Tried calling her bluff once. Never again. See my post “Going home gone wrong”. What was that movie line: “improvise, adapt and over come!”

M1

This is an old thread from nearly two years ago. New folks, you will get more responses if you start a new discussion.

DTSbuddy

I am going to try taking photos of our home, and showing them to my DH helps him renew his memory of home, and feel comforted. He loves to see pictures of his sibs and kids, waves at their picture on the screen of a photo box. These seem to make him feel better. So maybe photos of the house, combined with some sympathetic hugs, and stories of our life, would be good.

DCCEPEK

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195011#Comment_195011

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195011#Comment_195011

M1 has the format changed here. I've been noticing this as well. Difficult to navigate it maybe just me

/STEVE

I do not if this will help, but ask them how this place is different then home. then walk them through with question. are the walls different color? Are the rugs different?are the window different. is the neighborhood different. or how is it different?

I had this work with coffee cup, DW said it was not her cup, I start asking how it was different and she came around and said maybe it was her. I never said it was her cup.

LaneyG

I struggle with the home thing. When I tell him someone else now owns the home he either accuses me of selling it from under him and has a major outburst blaming me for everything. Or he says the people have no right to be there and then he threatens to go down there to event them. Then the driving battle resumes. At the end of the outburst he says he is going crazy, no one can help him, he can’t do anything anymore, can’t think anymore and wants to die. So I too think he is thinking back when he was in a place where he had more going for him and we were happier. Working with his doc but things going way too slowly. I don’t know how much more we can take before a major bad event happens. Our hearts are breaking.

M1

Laney, as on your other thread, it's pretty clear he needs hospitalization. He's making suicidal threats as well as threats against you. Please don't wait, call 911 if you have to. I was able to get my partner to the ER from her doctors office on the excuse that her blood pressure was high. Maybe you could use something similar.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/60037/when-can-i-go-home

Hi Chris, Have you considered asking the doctor for some meds for anxiety? I, too, have a husband who has lost his empathy and won't allow a person to stay with him. He tells me he doesn't need a babysitter. I know someone who used to put the PWD in the car telling them that they were going home. He would ride her around to for awhile and it would distract her and then she would stop asking.

Howaboutnow

This fixation is very difficult and exhausting to respond to. What worked here, was “let’s have dinner, then we can go” or “that’s 8 hours away, we’ll go tomorrow” or “i called and no one is home. Let’s try later” or “let’s get in the truck and head there”…anything that acknowledges their request and offers a comforting distraction that suggests “yes, we’ll go home” soon.

We all know,,,when LO is stuck on needing to “go home now”…it can take a loooooong time to “change that channel”. I too am of the opinion this request and agitation is rooted in the desire to go to the place where “i feel safe and clear-minded”. Their reality is confusing and illogical to themselves…they want to be where things “are as they should be”. Where things make sense to them……and that is “HOME”. I think any version of a response that lets them know the comforting thought of going HOME is coming soon, is the kindest response we can give.