When can i go home

My family moved about three blocks to a larger house during the summer before my youngest brother started school.  He was fine in July and August, but in September he began crying and asking to move back to the smaller house.  My mother explained to me that he didn't want the old house, he wanted to be a little boy again.  I see now that he wanted his freedom to explore life, rather than sit at a desk in a row of desks doing what he was told to do.

I think a PWD who wants to go "home" wants something like my brother wanted, youth, memory, agency.  And, like him, what is wanted is something we can't give them.  

Some people use procrastination as a calming tool.  We'll go home "tomorrow" when the roof is repaired, or when the power of love overcomes the love of power, or . . .

My husband asks when we are going home from 4-6 pm every day. Sometimes it’s easy to play along because he’ll make it a question like “Are we going home tomorrow?” At other times I just wing it and create a fiblet-du-jour. Going home tomorrow is a standby. When the storm ends is another. You get the idea. The goal is to pacify and stop the inquiry.

My wife experiences what I think is sundowning. Every day sometime usually after 3 o'clock she'll want me to take her to "three to elevens". She uses that term for any word she can't find, and expects me to know what she's talking about. She gets angry with me if I won't take her. It's hard. Only a few times has she asked to "go home".

I saw one source that suggested distracting by asking what they would do at home--what would be different, what they're looking forward to there. I haven't tried it, but it sounds more hopeful to me than either telling the truth--there's no where to go--or lying.

Hi Chris, I feel for you during this difficult time. It's a rough road we are all on.

When my MIL fell and broke her pelvis and went to rehab, then into nursing home care, she would ask me every day we went to visit her, when am I going home. I would say, "not yet."

I'm not sure if she accepted the answer, but she stopped asking that day.  Next time we visited, she would ask again and I repeated the "not yet" to her.  One day my sister in law, her daughter, responded to her mother that she was never going home again. It broke my heart to hear her say that.  Within a week my MIL died.  

Hello Everyone, I am new today to this group. My DH wants to go home almost every night. I tried music, distraction and reasoning but it does not work now. He was getting angry and violent about me not getting him home. The doctors are working on medication for him and have gotten the physical anger toned down. However his meanness and not knowing me and anger at not being able to leave are still strong. The Sundowners seems to be coming earlier each evening. I am so tired and exhausted of fighting almost every night. I joined hoping to find some new tricks to ease this situation. Read some of the comments from others going through this and it was heartwarming to know I am not alone but also heartbreaking that so many people are going through this too. God, help us. DH is 82, I am 78 and we have been married and lived in this same house for over 50 years.

Going home is a big part of our day. It can start with her collecting item and placing in the car before breakfast and, some days numerous times during the day. Distracting, etc do not usually have any impact. And we go for a ride. We have pre-dinner, post-dinner1 and post-dinner 2 etc. I usually plan for some errand after breakfast, that usually distracts her for the morning trips. she used to ask when we are going home. For the longest time “I’ll know tomorrow if the work is done” would work. Now, it’s just packing the car or threats of “ok, I’ll just walk home”. Tried calling her bluff once. Never again. See my post “Going home gone wrong”. What was that movie line: “improvise, adapt and over come!”

I am going to try taking photos of our home, and showing them to my DH helps him renew his memory of home, and feel comforted. He loves to see pictures of his sibs and kids, waves at their picture on the screen of a photo box. These seem to make him feel better. So maybe photos of the house, combined with some sympathetic hugs, and stories of our life, would be good.

I do not if this will help, but ask them how this place is different then home. then walk them through with question. are the walls different color? Are the rugs different?are the window different. is the neighborhood different. or how is it different?

I had this work with coffee cup, DW said it was not her cup, I start asking how it was different and she came around and said maybe it was her. I never said it was her cup.

Laney, as on your other thread, it's pretty clear he needs hospitalization. He's making suicidal threats as well as threats against you. Please don't wait, call 911 if you have to. I was able to get my partner to the ER from her doctors office on the excuse that her blood pressure was high. Maybe you could use something similar.

This fixation is very difficult and exhausting to respond to. What worked here, was “let’s have dinner, then we can go” or “that’s 8 hours away, we’ll go tomorrow” or “i called and no one is home. Let’s try later” or “let’s get in the truck and head there”…anything that acknowledges their request and offers a comforting distraction that suggests “yes, we’ll go home” soon.

We all know,,,when LO is stuck on needing to “go home now”…it can take a loooooong time to “change that channel”. I too am of the opinion this request and agitation is rooted in the desire to go to the place where “i feel safe and clear-minded”. Their reality is confusing and illogical to themselves…they want to be where things “are as they should be”. Where things make sense to them……and that is “HOME”. I think any version of a response that lets them know the comforting thought of going HOME is coming soon, is the kindest response we can give.