Dementia Divorce and Adult Step

CaregiverHelen

Well, my entitled and money hungry 50 year old step “children” have finally won. I have been in a three year battle with them regarding my Lewy Body Dementia 84 year old husband. I read the previous post, and I saw myself there as well. It is not easy. I am also 68, and cared for my hubby throughout our entire 25 year marriage. His kids finally started coming around to see him at his office he still keeps just after he received his dementia diagnosis in 2017. They then “helped” him file for divorce back in 2019, he recanted, but then his newly appointed POA son took over ownership of all of his life insurance policies. My husband was very upset. Through long expensive legal struggles with his children, I have tried to get this all to stop. But his son convinced the appointed Guardian Ad Litem, that his sister knew, that we should be divorced so “all his kids could care for him.” They have never done a thing for him!! Just complained about “what they will get.” Last night my husband said he wanted to go talk directly to the judge today. He said the Guardian Ad Litem “has ruined his life!” He wants NO DIVORCE! Final answer. He has told this to Adult Protective Services caseworkers as well. My husband has tried to stop  this, but the Guardian would not listen and signed the papers for him. I was threatened with losing my retirement and undergoing an expensive, lengthy trial unless I signed. I have no more net left. His kids have used his money to try to get rid of me with horrendous lies.  I received an email this afternoon that we are now officially divorced. His son took him to his house tonight. My husband has told me repeatedly that he didn’t want to live with his kids….please don’t leave me! Last night he kissed me as I put him to bed, as he always does, and said “I love you. I am so happy you are here for me.” My heart is broken.

Stuck in the middle

I am sorry, Helen.  You deserve better than this, and so does your husband.

RobertsBrown

Well Sh*t Helen, I don't know you or your family, but I'm ready to round up a posse and get some western justice.

I have seen this kind of thing before, and it make me crazy.  I hate creepy rich kids.

CaregiverHelen

How did you know? My hubby was a physician, and these kids were totally raised with a silver spoon in their mouths. Entitled and then greedy. They get dangerous when they become adults and still want to live off their dad…I was enemy #1 as their fathers third wife after their mothers cheated on him. But I think my 25 years of caring for someone as their health declines shows the greatest real love and loyalty of all. I was always there for him. They were not.

CaregiverHelen

Yes. Their dad was a physician and they were spoiled rotten as kids with no discipline. Trouble is, they become even more dangerous as adults because their sense of entitlement gets eart.worse as they continue to want to live off their father. As my husband’s dementia worsened, they wanted to destroy anyone who got in their way. All for money. Inheritance. Where’s OURS??? That’s the only time they saw him…to get money. Did NO caregiving whatsoever. NEVER took him out or entertained him. NOTHING. No calls. I am so worried about his future. It breaks my heart.

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M1

I can only add commiseration.  After my divorce my ex's new partner did everything possible to drive a wedge between the kids and their parents.  It was awful and has repercussions to this day.

Crushed

I say this very gently since this is a gothic horror but what did your lawyer advise ?

dayn2nite2

Unfortunately, I knew when all this started a few years ago that this would be the ending.  I had also asked a number of times for you to get legal advice and/or what your attorney advised and that was not answered, so I assumed you were doing without an attorney.

The first time they took him it was clear they would go to any length to get you out of the picture and so it came to be.

French

I 'm sincerly sad for you and your husband. I can't understand how this can happen. I come to hope that he will make their lives difficult

Ed1937

I don't think it can get any worse than this. I'm sorry. Maybe they'll fight among themselves about the money. Karma.

DrinaJGB

Wow, Helen. I am thinking your step kids and my sisters in law need to get together and go bowling.

While DH was comatose from viral encephalitis and on life support for a month and in facilities for 4 months for brain injury rehab, they swooped in like a murder of crows--reeking of greed, and hijacked the family trust and his inheritance.

  They hired a PI to follow me and a GPS to track me, wiretapped private phone conversations between DH and myself and DH and his dying and confused mother (who---BTW they also tried to keep her son from her death bed, but thankfully a medical staff at the hospice called me and I got him there to see his beloved mother just minutes before she drew her last breath).

  They called APS and I was hounded by that little creep for months---found nothing wrong with my care ( and had in fact greatly improved) to DH and dropped the case.

All of these things they did in an attempt to have me declared incompetent so they could gain guardianship of my DH.

  These women made our already train-wrecked life a complete misery.

When I learned what they had done with DH's inheritance (control for themselves by having an IRREVOCABLE trust changed without court approval)---I hired the best lawyer I could find

I come from fighting Scots ancestry and was going to go down swinging. I vowed to spend every last dime on these despicable people.

All this was going on while caring for my confused brain-injured husband of 30 years, as well as my father with heart failure.

Fast forward 10 years of litigation and we are still fighting these jackals. I will never give up. It is nearly over now and not looking good for the witches.

The only advice I can give is to cut them off and get on with your life now. Forget their names and never have contact again.

  The universe will take care of the rest........

dj

Buggsroo

My god Helen,

I am so sorry about all of this. You deserve way better than this. You must be so hurt, angry and devastated at the same time. Your husband must be so frightened as well. I imagine his shitty kids will soon be back in touch once they realize how much care is involved for someone with dementia. Of course you can tell them to get back on their bike and get lost, but you live your husband. I wish you resolution of this situation.

Marie58

I'm so sorry this has happened. It's beyond awful...

DrinaJGB

So you were " threatened" to either sign the papers (under duress)-- or lose your retirement.

  Sounds like extortion. Felony.

Quilting brings calm

Helen - since you mention lots of legal battles, my thoughts are that you did indeed eventually have your own legal counsel.  I’m not sure why things happened the way they did. Or why the guardian at litem sided with the kids.  I’m guessing that your comment about your retirement  income is because you would have had to spend  it to keep fighting the legal battle?  Since you don’t mention having to move, I hope you got to keep your house, furnishings, car, etc.

Here are my thoughts - hope they help.  The kids will be back to ask you to visit your now ex-husband because he will drive them crazy until they do.  When that happens, please limit your involvement to those visits. Take someone with you.. Don’t offer or agree to take him anywhere ever. No doctor visits, no dinners out.  Don’t offer an opinion about care or advise them in any way. Just visit with your loved one and go home. They wanted the kit and caboodle.  

Under no circumstances should you pay for anything connected with him or them ever again. They have given you an opportunity to no longer be legally, financially, physically, or mentally responsible for him.   I can see these people shipping him off to dinner with you and locking  him out upon your return - but not give you the financial or  legal wherewithal to take care of him.  I can also see them accusing you of kidnapping if you were to leave their home ( or a facility) with him even with their knowledge. 

Lills

I'm so sorry!  

I'm not usually a vindictive person...but...I hope Karma is real and bites the children real hard for their cruel actions!

abc123

I am sorry this has happened. I hope you will be okay.

DrinaJGB

For what it's worth and from one who has been down a very similar road, be ever mindful of the fact that most likely every word you speak and every place you go is being recorded.

Folks who will stoop to do what they have done to you and your husband will stoop to anything. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It is soul destroying stuff.

CaregiverHelen

Thank you all for your kind words of support and advice. I did have legal counsel…two lawyers over the course of this three year battle with his children but I have no more funds. I already borrowed from my siblings for legal fees. On March 1 I received an email that I am now officially divorced. I had to tell my poor 84 year old husband. He almost cried. He cannot believe that his Guardian Ad Litem did this to him. The Guardian signed the papers, not my husband. He wanted to fire him. My husband has dementia but has never been declared incompetent. He can still speak his own mind. He says he will file an appeal. Meanwhile I am trying to pack up my things now from a house where I have lived for 25 years. My husband cries out: “Please do not leave me! Stop. You’re not going anywhere. Stop packing!” To me, this is elder abuse and I have already contacted Adult Protective Services. My husband did not want to leave tonight so I could organize larger items and continue packing. He refused to go to his son’s house so he is at his elderly sister’s. I cannot do caregiving and pack up my things at the same time, and this is too distressing for him to witness. I am supposed to be out by March 15. I worry about his future care with them. To me, this is a horrifying misuse of the legal system. Maybe his appeal will finally shed light on some irresponsible actions by the Guardian Ad Litem. He believed all the lies of his kids but did no due diligence. I know because he quoted their lies as the truth in court papers. I had evidence they were lies, but never got to talk to the judge because they said if I did, the Guardian would go after my retirement and we would have a long, drawn out trial. My poor husband and I have had enough stress. I hope my husband’s voice will finally be heard. It is horrible for his adult kids to put him through this all for their blood thirsty greed.

CaregiverHelen

Thank you for letting me vent. I am feeling more and more depressed and upset about this situation as the days go by.

Ed1937

CaregiverHelen wrote:

they said if I did, the Guardian would go after my retirement and we would have a long, drawn out trial.

Helen, who told you that? That seems like an illegal threat.

I'm sorry this seems to be coming to an end for you. After caregiving for such a long time, you surely deserve more than that. But whatever happens, we'll be here for you.

CaregiverHelen

Thank you, Ed. Folks like you here on this website give comfort to so many. You all understand. The Guardian Ad Litem told this directly to my lawyer, who told me. She said she wanted to protect me, and literally YELLED at me to sign, or I would stand lose hundreds of thousands of dollars, and endure a long expensive trial. I have no children of my own to help care for me later in life, and have worked very hard at my job for 40 years. I was the saver. I need all of my retirement. My husband never wanted to save for his retirement whatsoever, spent a lot of money on his kids for higher education and medical schools abroad, on his failed business after he sued his partner, and he then went bankrupt. His kids want whatever he has left in equity in our house. But my DH STILL WANTS to fight this with an appeal. He has never been declared incompetent, and does not understand how the Guardian could sign the final divorce papers for him, when all along he had been signing legal documents with no questions asked….

CaregiverHelen

I don’t think that there are any other crazy night owls like me out there right now, but I just couldn’t sleep. My poor husband begged to come home tonight but his evil son would not let him ….till I’m gone. I miss my DH already. Feels so weird not to be caring for him today. Now I just can’t sleep. Hubby still wants to appeal the divorce ruling, but I’m sure the son will block it. I miss my DH whispering “I love you” to me every night as I would tuck him into bed. The system failed us both.

Ed1937

Helen, have you thought of contacting adult protective services? Just a thought.

JJ401

I know your heart is broken. I know you wish things were different. I know the reality of your situation is hard to face. But, as you know, the reality of the situation is not likely to change. 

Your situation is heartbreaking. Your options at this point are nonexistent. You are legally divorced. You have to move. DH, no matter what he says when you talk, is not going to be able to appeal the divorce. 

Please consider getting yourself some counseling to deal with the emotional fallout of what has happened. 

CaregiverHelen

Yes, I already did. They came to the house and interviewed my husband multiple times. He confirmed he wanted no divorce. Multiple times in private and then with me present. Then she said there was not much weight she had regarding difficult family legal matters. She was concerned about the care plan for my husband going forward and what his son planned on doing, but his children have refused to tell me. My husband wants to stay in his own house, and not move in with them. I have no idea who will move in here when I am gone. I am packing up memories and crying. Caregiving is so all encompassing and intimate, and brings out a special kind of love. I feel broken and so abused by his greedy family who refused to set foot in our house till I am gone. Offered no help. We still love each other so much.

Twin Mom

Just out of curiosity...have you thought about Adult Protective Services for you?  This is definitely some sort of abuse of you also...not sure much can be done about it...but seems like it all goes back to them getting him to change the power of attorney...and he was competent for that ...and then all of sudden he isn't competent for everything else? And they are forcing you out of the home you have had together for many years...even if it was his prior to the marriage...seems like there should be some protection...but then again you have already proven the system has so totally failed you both.

Crushed

This is why I never practiced family law but some things  in this case description do not "add up"
Emotions are simply running so high it is difficult to determine the facts.  
We need to be supportive of our poster but some things are left unclear
eg the comment about her retirement funds and his bankruptcy and His kids want whatever he has left in equity in our house
So how much money is involved? how much has to go for this care?

As a community spouse she could have held on to the house.  they cant.  Are they trying to pull some kind of medicaid fraud.? 

  But for me the bottom line is her lawyer urged her to agree 

That at a minimum meant the lawyer  could not easily prove the case she wanted to make.  IMHO  if the husband was COMPETENT and ready willing and able to walk in and clearly and consistently  state he did not want the divorce there would be no divorce.  so I get the firm LEGAL impression that he was not a reliable party and routinely said to each party what they wanted to hear.  That is not unusual. Its depressing and difficult but not unusual.

The bottom line  is that each party is convinced that the others are LIARS 

 A GUARDIAN AD LITEM WAS APPOINTED  for an adult,   that is a finding that a adult cannot handle their own litigation .

i have no idea what state was involved.
 
https://www.americanbar.org/groups/law_aging/publications/bifocal/vol--39/issue-6--july-august-2018-/statutory-provisions-for-guardians-ad-litem/

I am very sorry that this horror occurred.  The legal system only has limited tools to deal with problems  
 
  
 

  

CaregiverHelen

We are in New York State. Married for 25 years. House is valued around $500,000 but still has a mortgage of roughly $230,000.

.

dayn2nite2

You aren’t continuing to communicate with him, are you?  If so it’s really not healthy for you.

Move from the house, don’t tell them where you’re going, change your number.  Definitely a counselor is needed for you here.  The only person who can look out for you is you.  He has his family.