Throwing in the towel on this relationship

Lynne D

I lost my mother two weeks ago. I cannot grieve because it upsets my HWD and he becomes agitated and violent.  My HWD’s mother is on comfort care now. I am devastated about the loss of these two women.

I tell my HWD about his mother’s condition and he says “She has done some bad things. Everyone gets old and dies.” That is not the dementia speaking, that is a man who has always been (undiagnosed) a narcissist and emotional abuser. 

Tonight I am separating “wife” from caregiver. I will be his caregiver until this miserable piece of detritus on this earth perishes. I regret everything about marrying him except that he gave me a beautiful daughter (of whom, of course, he is jealous). 

This idea is liberating. I should have made this mental shift long ago. Perhaps his mother’s estate can cover placement so I can have my life back.

I have my first meeting with a grief support group on Tuesday so I can work on processing this. I believe, however, that I am done grieving for my husband. I just want out, away, to be free of him. 

Pat6177

Lynne,

I was thinking of you earlier today and how the grieving was going with the loss of your mom. And now your MIL. So much at one time. But good for you for your idea to remove yourself as wife. I hope that gives you mental and emotional distance from him. I’m glad you’ve found a grief support group. I hope that goes well and gives you the chance to release some of the pain. I’m sending you virtual hugs!

loveskitties

Lynn,

So sorry about you mother and now your MIL.

It sounds as if you have made the choice to save yourself, which you must do.

If there is any possible way to make that separation sooner, it will be a good thing.

Ed1937

Lynne, I'm sorry for everything you have going on now. Hopefully removing yourself as his wife will help with the daily stress. I'm glad you are getting involved in the support group. That should help too.

White Crane

Lynne, I'm so sorry about your mother and now your MIL.  Maybe by making a distinction between wife and caregiver, you can find some peace of mind.  I think you have made a wise decision.

M1

Lynne I amnso, so sorry but I do understand the feelings.  This is excruciatingly hard to do for someone you love.  If you don't love the person, IDK how you do it.  I imagine if I had to do this for my ex (divorced a long time ago) and I can't imagine it.  I hope the support group helps, I truly do.  

I know the feeling of questioning why you married someone.  I'm sure you did the best you could at the time.  That's usually the case.

PlentyQuiet

Lynne, 

I was having an exchange with someone the other day and she mentioned how she has to compartmentalize her relationship with her DH. Keeping who he is apart from who she is and who he used to be. 

It was a lightbulb for me. I look at my DH now as my job, one I do so my children do not have to. I love my children more than my spouse. I have no problem with fiblets or guilt over the idea of future placement. 

We are not as far in this journey as you are, but I think about the future quite often. I am glad for you that there is a possibility of placement. You have suffered a profound loss with your mother, and soon MIL. Taking good care of you is the priority

LauraPaul

This post reminds me so much of myself.  I am dealing with the feelings of no one ever having been there for me. How all of my life I have been a caregiver.  I took/take care of my daughter with Autism and my husband diagnosed with Autism and he is an alcoholic as well.  

Somehow I need to stop taking care of everyone else and take care of myself.  The thing is I don't even know how to do that.  

I feel so stuck.  Stuck in a horrible marriage.  Stuck in a job I hate.  Stuck taking care of my daughter.  Just feel stuck everywhere.  

mrl

You're in my prayers Lynn....and you too LauraPaul,

Michele

You very much need the support group.

Lynne D

Thanks for your kind words, everyone.

PlentyQuiet, thank you for the compartmentalization tip; that will help.

LauraDean, my sympathies. I quit a job I hated to become a full-time caregiver. I hope you can carve out some slices of each day for you.

abc123

Dear Lynne, you were on my mind yesterday. Three different times you were heavy on my heart. I’m on the road today. I’ll check back tonight. You are in my prayers.

toolbeltexpert

Lynne D it is so hard to grieve when a pwd is involved and in your case more so. I will continue to lift you in my prayers

JoseyWales

Lynne, I'm so sorry you can't grieve the way you need to. And I think your mind shift is just what's needed.

Bob in LW

Lynne, I join the others on this board in sympathizing with your situation and wishing you well. Your decision to separate your wife and caregiver responsibilities may encourage others in your situation to do the same.  I hope that you can manage to get away from home for a few hours a week to socialize and mingle.

Jeff86

Each of us has to figure out how to meet the challenge of caregiving, Lynne, and it sounds like your evolved view of your role may help you continue the journey.  

I can’t imagine how much harder this road must be for you, and others in your situation, who do not operate from a base of many years of a loving and supportive marriage or relationship.   In sickness and in health is, of course, the oath we took, but still….My heart goes out to you.

Lills

I am super impressed with your strength.  You've found clarity under all this pressure.  Sometimes, you just know you've made the right decisions for yourself.  Wishing you peace! 

Sorry you haven't been able to grieve openly for your mother and MIL.  

Buggsroo

Lynne,

I think you have coped really well given your situation. I, too, now treat my husband as a job, a very demanding one I never signed up for. Sadly those with dementia do exhibit narcissistic tendencies, my husband was jealous of my gay friends (eye roll here), my kooky art school buddies and my mother. In fact he was jealous of anyone else I really loved. My gay friends got tired of the drama; I miss them still, my mother calls me and I call her, and we’ll my other friends are on the periphery of my life.

I am glad you decided to save yourself, I am planning the great escape myself. I want the people back in my life whom I loved. You may find yourself circling back, please don’t. A support group is a great idea. I am so sorry you lost two women whom you loved. I really value my female friends, my mother, they keep me sane. 

RNS

Lynne,  I am so sorry for your losses.  You have always been so kind to answer my posts.  I can feel your strength in your words.  I love what Maya Angelou said :  We do the best we can but when we know better, we do better.  I think you know better now for yourself and are doing what you need to do.  Take care of yourself.  The world has great plans for you.

CStrope

I was the youngest of 7, so I was only 36 when I lost my mother.  It was by far the greatest loss I have had to suffer.  It was after her death that I realized some of what was lacking in my marriage.  My mother was my rock, my cheerleader, my support.  Without her, I realized how I did not get that from my spouse.

I am so so sorry for your loss.  Losing your mother is devastating no matter what your age.  I will be thinking of you as you navigate these waters.

Quilting brings calm

I also think you’ve coped as well as you can.  I understand completely your need to separate your emotional thoughts  towards the man from the necessity of making sure he’s cared for.  It sounds like he’s been a difficult person all along, which has worn down any positive feelings you’ve had.  Then he become a totally different person  with no mental and emotional relationship to be had, yet all the difficulties. .  This disease is not the same as a physical   illness or disability.  Those at least leave the emotional and mental connections intact.  

I realize  a spouse is not the same as parents, so my experience is not the same as yours.  However I have severed the emotional connections between myself and my parents  also.  the connections were fragile for decades anyway due to my step fathers alcoholism( he no longer drinks), his failure to parent  in any way but abusive, failure to keep jobs and be responsible  with money and my mom just allowing it all to happen.  Now I just do all the caregiving ( bills, medical, etc) that’s needed while they are in assisted living, and make sure they are cared for there. I don’t think they realize the connections are gone because I’m available and around a lot- unlike   my siblings and step siblings. 

Crushed

I adored the woman I married in 1975.  She was brilliant ,loving kind and public spirited.   We had a wonderful golden life together .  43 years later due to Alzheimer's she "left" me totally, completely, and permanently.  I still provide the best care I can , worry about her health, even cook for her.  But I cannot think of her or describe her as my wife.   

Throwing in the towel is admitting the fight is over.

  
  

Scooterr

Lynne, you are truly a strong lady, you have to find time grieve. I know you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. There's an old saying, "It's not the load that kills you, but how you carry it." It sounds like you have figured out how to carry that load. I truly wish you the best, my prayers are with you. You have a lot people on this forum with you. Stay Strong.

Joydean

Lynne, I’m sorry you have not been able to grieve for your mom. And now your MIL in care. Your pwd showing no care for his own mom, his words were very cruel. You have the right to take care of yourself. No one else is going to. Go to your grief counseling and cry your eyes out for your mom,and anything else you feel about crying over. Take care of Lynne! 

Prayers for you dear lady, you have definitely been in hell for quite some time. 

billS

Hi Lynne, I can only echo what others have said so well. I can only add that your post is inspiring and hopeful that you are looking out for yourself, but also expresses the sadness this disease leaves in its wake. Be well and keep taking care of yourself.

indy girl

Lynne, I feel like I'm in the same situation. My MIL was a narccist and she died with Alzheimer's. My husband has AD now and seems to have prsogressed more quickly over the last few months. He is a recovered alcoholic (years) but the dry drunk behavior continued mostly throughout his life. My children won't see me because they think I should have divorced him and now they think I need to put him in memory care. Trouble is I don't have the money to support myself AND put my husband in memory care. He is a dialysis patient and lately has refused to go. He is tired all the time and only sleeps a few hours a night and most of the day. I have a job and I intend to keep it because it helps me keep my sanity. Our marriage of 50 years had some nice memories but certainly not a love story for all time. I, too, have learned to separate myself from being a wife to a caregiver. I am really tired but have no support besides a very nice person at my work, my sister and my therapist. I know that the worst is yet to come and I honestly don't know how I will survive. If you have read this, thank you!

Palmetto Peg

LynneD - you are so brave to admit that there is nothing to salvage in  your relationship with your husband.  The only thing to do is what you are - recognize that you are his caregiver, but put any emotion aside.  That way his words don't hurt you - he will lose that power over you and you may see some improvement in his behavior.  People can only hurt you if you let them.  I hope, too, that his mother's estate will pay for his care so you can have your life back!

Beachfan

Lynne,

Everything that Palmetto Peg said.  I’m sorry- - Alzheimer’s is hard enough on a great marriage, but you have suffered enough.  Stay strong.  Thinking of you, another “Lynn”

abc123

Dear Lynne, I hope today you are feeling a little better. Dealing with a narcissist is hell on earth, unfortunately I have experience with it. Indy Girl mentioned a 'dry drunk". That brought up flash backs. We have got to do whatever it takes to survive our own individual hell on earth. You are both in my prayers.

abc123

Lynne, I’m thinking of YOU THIS MORNING. You are one of my heroes!

ImMaggieMae

Lynne, I am so sorry for your losses. I think you are right in separating your status with your husband. It’s difficult enough caring for someone you love with this disease, but with an abusive uncaring other I think it would be impossible. Hopefully his mother’s estate will pay for placement.

Lynne D

Dear Ones, what would I do without you? As I read your recent posts my eyes filled with tears, both for my challenges and yours. I am so grateful for your sharing and kindness.

Today I have  accepted delivery of some of my mom’s furniture and belongings. It makes me feel close to her to have some of her things. 

My MIL started hospice yesterday and it is good to know she is resting comfortably.

I have three hours of respite care today and am having lunch with my cousin!

The Griefshare website had the wrong dates and they don’t meet again until fall. I am considering individual counseling or going it on my own and crying in the basement.