Now the move

M1

Committed Friday to a MC facility, the fourth one I looked at.  Maybe buyer's remorse is inevitable.  It's small (24 beds) and seems reasonable, at least not intimidated by the hospital events as my first choice was.  Spent the weekend going paperwork, now it's on to the details, seems like it might take another week to actually accomplish the move.  I hope not:  this starts fourth week in hospital today and she's going stircrazy, driving me stircrazy with phone calls; telling the nurses to limit her phone access hasn't worked, particularly on the weekend.  Nurse told me yesterday that her description of hospital days (just sitting in the common area watching TV) is accurate.  She's clearly one of the higher functioning people there, and i think she will be in MC too.  I don't feel great about any of it.  I don't think it's going to be an easy transition.  Nothing new there.

I think we're both miserable right now.  Doing this under any circumstances would be hard but under urgent circumstances just feels terrible.

jfkoc

Life becomes really serious when none of the choices are "good". So you, all of us takes a step and hopes for the "best.

The facility sounds perfect for the moment and who knows, it may be a good fit. 

Thanks, as always, for keeping us in the loop. We are with you. All fingers crossed.

abc123

Dear M1, Thank you for the update. I'm relieved you found a place. It very well may turn out to be the perfect place for her and you too. Sure, she's bored! She is accustomed to having her way most times and running you ragged. Is there an outdoor/garden type space at the facility? Is that something she would enjoy? You are both in my prayers and my heart, everyday. Everyday!

Beachfan

Dear M1,

I am thinking of you and your LO during these final days leading up to placement.  Buyer’s remorse is inevitable; DH has been gone from our home for 5 months now and there’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think he would be better off with me.  DH is not as active as your LO, has limited speech and most is indecipherable, and he’s oblivious to his surroundings and the people in his life.  Seeing that he is content and well cared for is comforting and all I can ask for, but no less heartbreaking.  My wish for you is that you find peace going forward, knowing that you did your best for your LO and for yourself.  Stay strong.  

M1

The movers come tomorrow; I have a pitiful little pile sitting in the hall for them to take.  This place is not furnished, so it's been a fire drill to find things that will work, things that she hopefully won't recognize out of context as we are having to sell this as "temporary rehab." I'm rehearsing saying "Oh gosh, that looks like the one we have at home."  

Bed being delivered on Friday as we did not have a twin bed that would fit.  I have labelled her things like she was going to camp.    She is furious and every conversation is Groundhog's Day.  They are recommending taking her by ambulance for safety, so we don't even get a drive together.  I don't know yet whether to meet her there or not, waiting on advice about that.  Most worried about yet another medication transition and no delays there.  

Abc, there's a small outdoor space; not as much as I would like.  There is a putting green, which maybe she'd enjoy if I can find her putter (or buy one?  No idea how to do that.  She was quite the golfer in her day, among other things.  Worked as the tennis/golf pro at a Houston country club in the summers, and made friends with Mafia types who would hustle suckers on the golf course and use her phones to make book.  They gave her a hot TV and offered her protection.  One of so many stories.)  

You can look up to the ridgetops around this place and see several homes she built.  Makes me sad.  But everything makes me sad right now.

Ed1937

M1, I know things are a bit uneasy right now, but hopefully in a short time you will understand that this is the right thing to do. You probably will not get 100% of what you were hoping for, but if it's good enough, that might be all we can hope for. I'm sorry we can't just turn a page, and everything will be rosy, but we all know that's not life.

Jo C.

The most difficult time, the heartbreak time.  There is no perfection in all of  the dementia dynamics no matter how we strive, and this is one of the most difficult of all of the dynamics when caring for our Loved Ones.   Despite the second guessing and heartache, you are doing the best that can be done under the circumstances with the challenges at hand.

That day was for me, the most difficult thing I ever, ever had to do.  The internal grief that came with it was harsh and deep.  I understand.

As mentioned before; not only your beloved Partner will have an adaptation period, you will too.   In time, you will know whether or not this was a good fit. 

May the days to come be better than imagined.

J.

White Crane

Dear M1,  it's hard right now...and sad, but you are doing what you need to do.  If I remember correctly, this MC has art classes in addition to the putting green.  Maybe she will enjoy those.  When you look up on that ridge and see those houses she built, I hope you can feel pride along with the sadness.  She sounds like she accomplished a lot in her life.  I love the story about the Mafia types!  Maybe she will come to a point where she will enjoy telling you some of those stories once again.  You and she are in my prayers.  Take good care of you.

Brenda

Jeff86

Yes, M1, you’ve reached a very sad stop on this AD journey.  The necessity of this placement doesn’t make it less sad, it makes it more so.  That said, it’s imperative for her well being.  You are pressing forward, as you must, and making good if difficult choices.  

We hold you in our heart.

Memphisdee

Can u tell her you’d have to pay rent on furniture if u didn’t use yours?  I just paid rent for the respite we are doing after my husband wouldn’t take his meds. He doesn’t think he belongs there. I will go crazy if he comes home. Obsessions and fretting, worrying and delusions.

M1

Set up the room today, more tomorrow.  The only thing that made me lose it was when I put her favorite pair of boots in the closet.  She'll go by ambulance Friday--too concerned that she might balk if in my car and not going home.  Still need advice on whether to meet her there, how to handle, how to make sure the meds don't get lost in the shuffle again.  All those details to happen tomorrow.  She cried today when I talked to her, very upset.  The rehab story isn't going well.  I added that the painters are coming to paint inside (partially true), but she didn't buy that either:  "Just reschedule them six weeks out!"  I'm sure that's what she did when she was working.

jfkoc

thanks for keeping us in the loop...

Gig Harbor

When you visit her definitely be very enthusiastic and complimentary about her surroundings. Also say that you know the other guests there will enjoy meeting her and will be glad that she is there. Tell her that it is the best rehab facility in your area. If you want to stay away to give her a chance to settle in tell her by phone that you tested positive for Covid and have to stay home for a week. If she likes ice cream bring her a Dove bar each time you visit or another special treat. Try to time visits so that when you are ready to leave it is just before a meal so the staff can distract her. Good luck.

Ed1937

So today is the big day. I really feel as though you probably should not meet her there. That would be too painful for both of you. Going by ambulance is genius. I think Gig's advice is spot on. You tested positive for covid, and can't visit for a while. Paint the most positive picture you can about the place. As far as the meds go, have you talked to the DON or administrator about the problems you had with the hospital? I hope you can find a little peace through this process, even though it is painful. I'll be thinking about you all day today. That's for sure.

Jo C.

You will be in our thoughts today.  As concerning as it in all probability may feel, I agree with Gig Harbor and Ed about not being present with your Partner as she makes her move today and giving her and yourself some days or so to begin to acclimate before visiting.  

Therapeutic fibs as Gig has mentioned may well be necessary.

Not going to be easy, but now it is about formatting things as best can be for your LO.  Not just planning her physical surroundings, but also for her pychological and emotional needs as best can.  The staff is experienced at new admissions and the adaptation period; they will be on top of it.   You can call and check on her.  Found myself doing this on the day shift and for awhile in the middle of the night when I was awake and pondering.

In my experience, I found I had to put on Oscar worthy performances to keep my own  emotions from showing.   It is about our LOs and their compromised brains - they may not use the same reasoning we do, but they certainly can pick up on emotions easily and quickly.  They "feel" our facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and it can cause our LOs much internal upset if they see or feel our emotions whatever they may be from one end of the spectrum to the other.  Actually learned this the hard way.  First few times, I did indeed keep myself on a very even keel while with my LO, but when in my car, I cried all the way home. 

Your judgment of course is best, but it has probably reached a point for the time being at least, to not bring up topics about home - especially about real or pretend work being done on the property.  During her lifetime, she was very immersed in all of this professionally and personally and it may well cause much more angst for her.

Also, it is probably time if she asks about the animals that you keep up a positive stance no matter what.  No longer a positive to tell her about the sick cat or the death of an animal. She no longer has the same balance to deal with such issues and it is also likely to harken her back onto the ranch property once again.

If she brings such matters up, light and easy and fiblets if necessary and then swiftly refocus whether onto another topic, to go get a cup of coffee, take a walk in the hall, or even you excusing yourself to the bathroom. I have done all of those as necessary.

So hope the transition does go well and that as the next weeks pass that she begins to adapt and find new acquaintances to be friendly with as well as activities she may enjoy. 

You can dynamically ensure that the medications are in order and available as needed. Perhaps the transferring unit can give her whatever meds they can before she leaves, and that the med orders for the new facility are sent early and are being filled by the time your LO arrives.  Knowing how proactive you are, I am sure you will be on top of that.

Let us know how you are, we are once again with you in spirit,

J.

David J

M1-

I think you said that your partner is moving to the MCF tomorrow. I agree the ambulance is best, and also to let the staff handle the process of acclimation to her new home. Take your cues from them, they’ve done this many times before.  I didn’t visit until the staff agreed, and then limited visits until my wife was fully at home there. 

I know this is hard. It has been hard for everyone I know who has had to make this decision. Remember why it is necessary and imagine the problems if you brought her home instead. Be strong and know we are all behind you. 

aod326

Oh my goodness, so very hard. And made harder by  - like so many things with dementia - not having experience to fall back on. One thing I did, which eased my mind, is pick up DH's meds from the first MC he was at, and personally delivered them to the new one. I'm sure it will be very hard for you to be there and not see her, but you can bring them before, or after, she arrives and give them directly to the DoN.

As others have said, I think it adds another layer of confusion for the LO to see you, but you not be staying there. It is very hard - of course you want to make her as comfortable as possible. Remember that this is one of the many things you are doing FOR her best interests, not TO her.

Very best of luck.

Ed1937

M1, waiting to hear from you. Anything to report yet? I hope it went relatively well.

M1

The transfer is tomorrow morning Ed. Just a series of fire drills today-the hospital failed to do a TB test, had her code status wrong, Covid vaccines weren’t recorded,  bed is not being delivered until late tomorrow afternoon. I am not to be there. Feels awful.

Joydean

M1, just know so many are praying for you and your wife. Definitely on a lot of minds! We all just want what’s best for both of you.

Marie58

M1, I know how hard this is. I'm praying for you and your LO!!

Ed1937

Sorry, M1. For some reason I thought it was today. It sounds like you can't get her out of that hospital soon enough. I'm sorry after all you've been through, they don't seem to be getting much better. I hope things take a big turn around when she gets moved.

MN Chickadee

Thinking of you today. When someone tells me they are moving their LO to memory care, I honestly can't think of much they could be saying that would be worse. Maybe their house burning down or something. It is a profoundly difficult time. Hardest days of my life leading up to and day of that I moved my mother. But in the end it turned into a very good thing for her and gave her a good quality of life. I am hopeful the same goes for your dear wife. Hang in there. Better days ahead.

Beachfan

M1, Hoping and praying that today’s activities go smoothly for all concerned.  You can do this! It might require a little tough love on your part, but in the moment, it’s what’s best for both of you.  You can always make changes later, but for now, stay the course and follow your head (you will always have conflicting emotions in your heart).  Stay strong.

Jo C.

Checking in and sending warmest thoughts your way.

J.

White Crane

Praying for you today.  Sending hugs.

RNS

M1 I am thinking of you today. I have gone thru this scenario many times in my head and I can only imagine how devastated you must feel.  Hugs to you.

Gig Harbor

M1 I hope your day ends successfully and that she settles in. The staff will do everything they can to make her feel welcome so hopefully all the attention will make her feel loved and wanted.

M1

Well:  she's there, and doing okay from what I'm told.  Recognized some paintings I had put on the wall (kinda hoped she wouldn't but she did) but nothing else.  They like her already, which doesn't surprise me--"spicy with a great sense of humor" was the first comment.  

I've kept myself extra busy all day---cleaning up after the movers, mowing, groceries, fixing birthday present for my granddaughter:  when I was cleaning out a chest of drawers to take to memory care, I found five little 6x9" farm animal puzzles that were mine when I was a kid.  I framed them for her to hang on her wall (she'll be 6 on May 5).  Anything to keep from thinking too much.

The house is way too quiet.

Ed1937

I know it will be tough for a while, but the report is encouraging. Do whatever it takes to get through the first few days. Work, sleep, play with the kids.

It sounds like those puzzles might be the perfect gift for your g-daughter. Happy birthday to her!

jfkoc

first day...over and well done. Thanks for the update.