Stepadults Divorce
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You knew what they were about and the placement was inevitable.
Please stop going to see him. You need to focus on the rest of your life after this has been done to you, and you need to leave him and the marriage in the past.
You are still somewhat "owning" his troubles and what his children have done to you, and for you to stop doing that you need to stop seeing him.
Do not file for guardianship. You might as well throw all your money in the toilet if you do that. You will spend, spend, they will fight (with his money) and you will lose because they are his blood relatives.
Try to preserve the good part of your relationship before he became sick. This nightmare you've lived over the past few years needs to be left in the past.0 -
I read this with absolute horror, a terrible wrong has been done to you by his children. They are the lowest of the low. To treat their own father like this, criminal. I can’t advise you, you obviously love him and that is heartbreaking. I believe that you need to let go, after he passes, kiss those jackasses goodbye. Please don’t throw good money after bad, you won’t win this battle. Keep visiting by all means, but please please consider what your life will be afterwards. You both love each other but this is torture. I send you my heartfelt support, please start looking after yourself.0
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Helen, as hard as it might be, I think you should heed the advice above. I'm sorry.0
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I am truly sorry for what has happened. Your story is the fear of many second wives. But, at this point you need to accept that things are not going to change. You are divorced. The court is not going to undo that. You have no legal rights.
Visit if you like. Do not fill out guardianship papers. Not only will it not yield the result you want, it could end with you being banned from the nursing home.
The serenity prayer begins — God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change —You can’t change his circumstances.
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Don't stretch this fight any further. It's a horrible, horrible mess; but it is what it is. If they really are about money, they probably cheated to get Medicaid to pay for his care. I'd be asking around the facility to find out how his bills are being paid.0
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Dear Helen - I am sorry for the pain you are going through. This really is a nightmare. You are such a strong and loving wife. I believe you are following your heart and yet due to the criminal behavior of his adult children, you can end up heartbroken and destitute...and your DH still will die of his terminal dementia unless something else takes him sooner. If I had children like him, and they were succeeding in making the mess they are making -- I would pray to be taken sooner than later.
As hard as it must have been to see him on the floor, what a blessing that you were able to alert his care team and hopefully they will be more attentive now. I did wonder if the steps would bar you out of spite. They seem to be the lowest sort of characters. I do think it would be good if someone else looked into the oversight or reporting options so the court is aware of the current situation compared to what was promised. Official oversight or elder abuse, or the courts. Our forum mates are urging that you not take that on, that you detach with love in your heart and let go of the fight where one hand is tied behind your back. I agree -- and think that is healthier for you. Especially since it does seem that you could end up without funds to survive and thrive, which you 100% deserve. The reality is, even if these horrible adult children did not exist, your LO would still be declining and harder to care for every day, possibly needing memory care placement - that's just the way this goes you know. One direction. This is not a situation that you deserve nor what either of you wish for. I really am so sorry you are going through this.Who is in the house now? With the government protections on evictions for a while, I had hoped you could stay put. But sometimes it is best to have your freedom and as much distance as possible from poison people. If you can cut your losses and detach from these vultures I agree that is really the best. I have had to cut off my disrespectful steps. Don't need or want anything from them, and I decided to stop tolerating their hatefulness and negativity. It wasn't helping DH nor me and I will not spend another hour of my life on the merry-go-round with haters and takers like that. I know that I have done the best I could by my DH, up til now. I believe you did as well, despite incredible opposition. Hold the good memories in your heart. And do what we all are having to do now at some point or another: begin the process of letting go and moving forward. (Says me, who is struggling with it but I know it has to be). We can.0 -
I’m gonna be the contrarian on this thread, because I am the second wife and have been with DH 22 years now.
He is the love of my life and if he had kids from his first marriage who treated him this way (thankfully he doesn’t) I would go bankrupt trying to make things better for him, even if it was only for a year or two.
But that is just me, and he is my everything. Probably not the best choice financially or emotionally, but I just know that I would not give up fighting for his dignity, divorced or not.
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May flowers you are not wrong. My response is probably a “do as I say. not as I do” one. One never knows for sure until in a situation but I definitely have a track record of fighting for my LOs even when I won’t fight for myself.
I think it will come down to you following your heart CGHelen. Wishing you peace of mind and victory over these evildoers somehow.
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Yes, BW, that is my heart response, and it is probably the worst choice from a fiscal or logical point of view. What an awful circumstance to find oneself in.
But you are absolutely right she has to weigh her options and follow her own heart and mind in this.
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dayn2nite2 wrote:This is good advice. In fact, the kids will fight and win with your money, as you will be ordered to pay their attorney fees as well as your attorney fees after you lose. Your husband will die in the NH while the case drags on in court, the cause will be dismissed, and you will get the bill. I am not a lawyer, but I have BTDT.You knew what they were about and the placement was inevitable.
Please stop going to see him. You need to focus on the rest of your life after this has been done to you, and you need to leave him and the marriage in the past.
You are still somewhat "owning" his troubles and what his children have done to you, and for you to stop doing that you need to stop seeing him.
Do not file for guardianship. You might as well throw all your money in the toilet if you do that. You will spend, spend, they will fight (with his money) and you will lose because they are his blood relatives.
Try to preserve the good part of your relationship before he became sick. This nightmare you've lived over the past few years needs to be left in the past.You are a good woman who deserves to be happy. Please take care of yourself.0 -
Thank you for all of your comments. Yes. It is hard to let go. The Guardian Ad Litem who bought his kid’s lies that they would all take care of their father is now angry. He signed the divorce papers because my husband refused. He was scammed. I knew they would never care for him. Now the Guardian Ad Litem for the divorce is recommending I file an Article 81 for Guardianship and he says will SUPPORT ME! Wow. I think he knows he screwed up. He ruined a man’s life….everything my husband loved was taken from him, and last week he told me he was thinking of suicide. He has been extremely depressed since he was ripped from his home and is now wasting away after 3 months…0
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So you filed an Article 81?0
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The heartbreaking thing in all this is that my husband refused to sign any divorce papers. The Guardian Ad Litem assigned to the case did….he signed for him…because he believed all the lies from his kids that they would all take care of him. Now that he sees their deception, he’s telling ME to file an Article 81 and he will now support me!!! Wow. I think he knows he screwed up. The legal system just does not protect the elderly as they should…sometimes a person’s own kin can be the worse offenders.0
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PLEASE do not waste your remaining resources filing for guardianship.0
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The GAL did his job and collected a fee. If he persuades you to file, he will collect another fee. That is how the practice of law works. Please, do not take his advice. He is not on your side.
Laboratories are hiring lawyers, because there are some things a rat will not do.
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The Guardian Ad Litem assigned to the case did….he signed for him…because he believed all the lies from his kids that they would all take care of him. Now that he sees their deception, he’s telling ME to file an Article 81 and he will now support me!!!
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Tell the Guardian Ad Litem that he needs to go to the court and admit his mistake and he can fix this. This is not yours to fix. If he truly feels he broke it, he will fix it.
But, don’t count on anything happening, even if you file and the Guardian Ad Litem supports you, as the chances of the court caring that an Alzheimer’s patient is in a nursing home or memory care rather than at home are infinitesimal. All the children have to say is that he rapidly deteriorated to such an extent that home care became impossible. No court is going to mandate the children continue home care if they say they feel it is not in the best interest of their dad.
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The user and all related content has been deleted.0
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...but it sure is a compelling “60 Minutes” expose with CGHelen in silhouette only, to retain confidentiality if desired... to show how horribly PWD elders and spouses can be mistreated in the legal system, especially if 2nd (or later) marriages.
This probably isn’t the first time a tragedy like this has been pulled off, but it surely should not happen quietly. And sometimes laws and policies can be changed - if not in time for you and your LO, then for the next couple. But I so wish for justice for you and your LO. Just heartbreaking. And infuriating.
I agree, that his guardian needs to take the initiative and bear any time and expense to get this reversed if possible and if you have the energy to appear if/as needed. He must have some accountability mechanism that he is held to, available via the court website maybe, or the state bar association. I agree his claims of remorse and support need to be in writing and you should keep your wallet locked tight.
Again, as we all have said—I’m so sorry you are going through all this.
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Helen… please don’t attempt this regardless of what you think the guardian at litem is telling you. Remember, it wasn’t just that he/she thought your step children would do a better job of the actual caregiving than you. That switch could have been done without a divorce being required. . The court felt the need to sever your legal ties to your husband and to force you out of the family home. The fact that the step children decided to have him placed in a facility isn’t enough to overlook the divorce part of it. Families place their loved ones all the time. A divorce isn’t required to do so. Your own lawyer told you to stop fighting if you wanted financial dignity in your old age. You aren’t going to turn the clock back on the divorce and your spouse is no longer capable of consenting to a new marriage. You will never have access to the money you would need to take care of him.0
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ButterflyWings wrote:
I agree, that his guardian needs to take the initiative and bear any time and expense to get this reversed if possible and if you have the energy to appear if/as needed. He must have some accountability mechanism that he is held to, available via the court website maybe, or the state bar association. I agree his claims of remorse and support need to be in writing and you should keep your wallet locked tight.
Again, as we all have said—I’m so sorry you are going through all this.
I was not clear about the word “this” when mentioning reversing part of the outcome. It is possible the GAL could follow up with the court to advise the PWD LO be restored to home care by his now ‘former’ wife, with his funds used for his care as intended. It is a long shot that the GAL would do this voluntarily perhaps and his mercenary children would oppose that but the GAL’s recommendation would likely prevail. All brainstorming and certainly wishful thinking on my part.
Helen, my heart goes out to you. As I posted originally, our forum mates are urging you to cut your losses and try to start building your new life now, especially knowing his disease is progressing daily, taking him further into his own world. I agree it is healthiest to put miles and time between you and these horrible ex-steps at this point. I do hope they and the GAL get what’s coming to them though.
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Thank you all for the “tough love” advice. I know I need to use my head, but my heart is still reeling. This whole ordeal has been unbearable for 3 years. All the while fighting the steps I was caring for my LBD husband both day and night, through the worst of Covid, and for 25 years of major heart problems.The more I think of this GAL, the more it enrages me. He did no due diligence and simply bought all the lies of the greedy steps. What frail 84 year old man with dementia wants to get rid of his loyal and loving caregiver wife of 25 years? Who was willing to care for him in his own home…that was the one wish he always repeated. It was doable as I also did so for my beloved mom. His kids were suddenly going to turn into devoted caregivers that wanted nothing in return, when they never ever lifted a finger to help before, and constantly complained they needed more inheritance? I think I will go after the GAL. He should never be allowed to ruin another person’s life. He was lazy, listened to vicious hearsay and refused to hear my husband’s pleas to stop all this. Does anyone have any experience with filing a legal complaint or charges of incompetence against a GAL? The outcome? Thank you for your support.0
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Helen, I am truly sorry and can understand your deep, deep anger at the Guardian Ad Litem. I can also understand your wanting to get revenge by, "going after him." You were treated very shabbily and he took the adult children's words as fact; that was beyond painful for you. Do remember that a judge had to agree and sign off on the action to be taken.
Helen; to sue would be costly consdering attorney fees and filing fees. To file a complaint should not be costly, but may incur a few other requirements of you .
You can make a complaint, but do not go into it expecting to get big results. The GAL would have documented in detail for the court why he decided to make the decisions he did and the court will probably accept that unless things were outlandish and there was no adequate documentation to back it up. As it is, the court had to approve the GALs decision based on his documented "findings."
Would it be better for your well-being Helen, to recognize the fury you feel and then let go of it. Letting go would free you from the burden you now carry so heavily and you can use the energy on something positive in another way to recoup yourself.
Just a thought about letting go; you will feel what is best for you and your own well-being. You certainly learned a lot about "stuff" you never thought you would have to do. I am deeply sorry for what happened, but it cannot be undone. What matters now is that you become able to move forward and make your own circumstances more positive by going outside the circle of strife where you have had to live for so long. Finding friends or joining a group, and even, if your feelings are causing you deep grief, perhaps a short term connection with a counselor to help you with your grief and hurt could bring you peace.
In the meantime, others may have other ideas and will come along; perhaps even someone who has made a formal complaint regarding a GAL. You will do what you feel you must and I wish you well.
Take good care,
J.
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Helen, please - your financial resources are finite. Please take whatever money you would use "going after" the GAL and see a therapist to help you process this trauma and get un-stuck from this situation.
It's unhealthy for you to remain stuck here and it is unproductive.
If you need to move far away to keep you from being tempted to turn back the clock where you were taking care of him, so be it. You must do everything in your power to get out of this "stuck-ness."
There is a lady on this forum, I don't remember her user name, but her husband wants to be divorced. I hope she reads this thread to see how threats and the PWD getting help to do it can turn out.0 -
Helen, you have excellent advice above. Ask yourself if you would rather fight this thing for quite a long time to possibly regain the caregiving mode, and access to every asset he has , and continue to be unhappy, even though your chances of winning are slim, or would you rather focus on a new life that could start now, and begin to find happiness again? I think to most of us the answer is simple, but you are the one who is living your life. Which way do you want to go?0
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Helen, situations such as yours are why, at least in my state, there is a way to file a complaint against a guardian adlitem. Each state is different. In mine you'd file with the family court (where the divorce took place). The only guarantee is that you will get some satisfaction from the filing. Action from the filing is most likely a very long shot. But, if there are other complaints on file, or if others file in the future, perhaps something will happen with the guardian adlitem.
But, go into this knowing that nothing about your (ex)husband's living arrangements is going to change no matter what happens with the guardian adlitem. Your (ex)husband is staying in the nursing home. He is not going to be coming home with you.
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Thank you, Ed, and all of you wonderful and kind caregivers for your sage advice and support. This is the hardest situation I have ever had to face. So many “what ifs” …but I did my best to fight for my marriage and for my dear husband for over three years…but the steps had a “perfect” plan of attack from the start. The GAL situation makes it even worse, because he bought their lies and with the stroke of his pen he sentenced my husband to a very lonely and sad life. This was my DH’s greatest fear. His kids don’t really care. They got what they wanted now. So this week I made an appointment to see a counselor to help me through all this. My family has been wonderful, mind you, and they want me to enjoy a new life, but they also yell at me! (Tough love again). They don’t understand how intense your feelings become when you have been caring for a spouse with dementia for so many years. I believe it is one of the deepest forms of love there is. I just can’t turn it off, you know?0
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I understand Helen, and I so wish you well.
J.
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Having read CaregiverHelen's posts all along this sage and as the much younger partner of a LO with Parkinson's with an absent adult son, I'm now nervous and stressed. I still don't understand how this even happened. My LO and I have been together for 21 years, registered domestic partners in CA since 2020. Stepadult son lived 1.5 hours away, doesn't visit, calls (or now that LO doesn't have a phone, emails) twice a year at best. His history is got lots of money from LO and always came back for more. My LO does respond, does not want the son visiting. After reading Helen's experience I now wonder if seeing a chance to get his dad's dollars, I going to go to the mailbox one day and find a notice for a hearing. He has a friend who is a lawyer who I'm sure would handle all this for him. I'm worried APS is going to show up at the door if the son lied, "I can't get ahold of my dad, SHE must not be letting him contact me. Of course it's a lie, but he's "the son" which these people seem to think means selfless, and we second wives are just the person whose been in his life everyday for 20+ years are somehow shady. In addition to Helen's story, stepadults elsewhere on this board complain about "my dad's wife" or "my mom's husband" and are and are encouraged by other posters to call APS or seek guardianships). My LO always avoided conflict with the son- he'd never tell him to his face No, I don't want to see you, he'd say yes to whatever the son asked. I'm really stressed out now and actually, kind of mad that this situation even exists.0
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Los Angeles, all and more can happen if you don't get your legal business in order.
As far as the people referring to the 2nd (or higher) wife in those ways is usually because the wife is just somebody their father or mother married and holds no place in our lives. I called my father's 2nd wife "my father's wife" because she treated me like crap and really acted like she was jealous of his children.
And yes, we do have adult children come to the caregiver board and describe shady behavior of non-biological parents all the time and we do advise APS. It's the right thing to do.0 -
As a younger registered domestic partner of a LO with Parkinson's I've been reading Caregiver Helen's posts and getting stressed out. I don't see how this could even happen. My LO has an adult absent son who makes contact 2x a year at best with duty calls (or now since LO doesn't have a phone, emails) on father's day and dad's birthday, but was always trying to get money from his dad in the past. I'm now wondering every day if there's going to be a guardianship hearing notice in the mail or is APE going to show up at the door? My LO isn't interested in contacting his son. If son doesn't get a reply to his email (which he hasn't followed up on these 2 weeks since Father's Day) is he going to call APE and lie, "SHE won't LET my dad get in touch." It's a lie but reading what Helen says it seems because he's "the son" his motives are assumed to be pure and we second wives/partners are regarded as suspect by these entities even though if part of the LO's daily life for 20+ years. I feel bad for Helen and am really stressed and concerned now to the point where I'm sick.0
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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