I’m angry and resentful!

JC5

The past few weeks I have been angry! I’m angry at my husband for having a disease he didn’t ask for I’m angry at myself for losing it and being frustrated and thinking I have a handle on things and realizing I don’t! I’ve been very short tempered and sad. Both of which I’m not!Our marriage has been one where he was never home - work, home to a prepared dinner, then onto“volunteer work” at least 4 nights a week and weekends. So I took care most things. I worked , cared for our children etc etc. mostly learned to do it all on my own. Now with his dementia and his recent fall and not moving well and can’t bend,  he wants to help! While most would say oh that’s so nice he just wants to help … I say where have you been the past 40 years when I asked for your help? And now that you physically and mentally can’t , you want to!?! I know I am resentful and I have to let go of my past disappointments with him in order to help him now. Just don’t know how! Thanks for listening.

Buggsroo

First of all you have every right to be angry. You have a legitimate gripe with the past forty years and now dementia. Honour your anger and then find away to let it go. It will not help you with what lies ahead.

 I am angry and sad at the same time but now that I have been down this road, I have parked my anger. At first I did give my husband hell but then I realized he can’t help what he is doing. His brain is broken. Now I care for him as I would a stranger who needed my help. I mutter under my breath a lot. It helps. 

One thing you won’t find here is a bunch of goody two shoes. Everyone here has lost their rag at least once with their loved one. I wish you strength and peace on the path going forward and wish you all the best.

JC5

Needed that! Thank you !

Vitruvius

There is no perfect way to deal with a PWD.  The path of least anguish is impossible to find in one go, if at all.  The only way forward is to constantly refine your coping technique to lessen the pain a tiny bit at a time.

Unfortunately I can't give you much in the way of tips because I am not able to find the right path myself.  But letting go of the past is a necessary step I feel, the PWD you're dealing with is not the same one from years past.  You are now a caregiver and your DH is your patient, different rules apply.

Crushed

I'm angry and resentful and my wife was a wonderful loving partner.  I'm angry at the universe
and I am secretly resentful of the people who had fully functioning partners   in their 60s
Of course its not their fault but it does not help 
 
But thanks really for pointing out that i had it very  good for a very long time  

best wishes 

JC5

I guess I’m also learning that it’s ok to vent your feeling but in the right places like this board. I need to remember that. Thanks

Jella417

I am too often frustrated and annoyed and unfortunately express it at times. I feel bad about that. The thing that does help is having someone to vent to. To say all the horrible things and thoughts that you don’t really mean but feel in the moment. More than once I have done this with a trusted person and then felt happy and generous with my DH afterward. I went from dreading a whole day confined together to enjoying his company. Everyone needs an outlet. Kept inside I’d explode at an awful time and in a hurtful way, and I’d never forgive myself.

Just Bill

I am fortunate in that I never got angry and resentful. I picked door #2 Alex for $200. Profound sadness and deep depression. Equally negative emotions I struggle to cope with every day. I can keep them at bay for a while whistling through the graveyard with hubris. Every now and then I turn a corner and there they are my nemesis waiting to go a few rounds with me. Today was a day of profound sadness and deep depression. My wife is progressing pretty fast and is 100% delusional it hit me like a brick. I have learned to just wallow in the depression and sadness until it passes and I'll go back to skipping and whistling in the graveyard again.

Joydean

JC5, we are all human beings and we have feelings. Sometimes things build up and before we know it we say things and wish we could have just kept our mouth shut! I’m glad at times I live out in a rural area, no close neighbors, I can go out and scream knowing no one will hear me! During the spring and summer I’m surprised any of my plants live because I say some pretty mean things and get it out of my system!  Hang in there, we are here for you and each other! 

Vitruvius , on 12/2 was our 53rd anniversary, it was also the day we visited with dh’s doctor. One of the things he said to me, (so very much like what you just said) you lost your husband many years ago, you are now his caregiver and he is your patient and mine. But you have the 24/7 shift.  It just seemed like a confirmation of what the doctor said! 

CStrope

Boy I'm right there with you!  I've done everything, and I mean just about everything throughout our marriage, and now that the kids are grown and self sufficient, I was really looking forward to doing what I wanted, when and if I wanted, and that's not happening.  Instead I'm caught in this horrible vortex that just keeps pulling me down.

I've said this on the msg boards before, I told my therapist a year or so ago, I've compartmentalized my relationship with my husband.  I can no longer deal with the resentment I have towards him for the past and how our lives were BD (before Dementia), and I can't know and handle how I'll deal with things in the AD (after dementia), all I can do is deal with the hear and now.  If I approach things in that way, if I try and only deal with the hear and now, I can at least try and deal with the crap that each day throws at  me.  Believe me, it still isn't easy, but I can't bring my bad feelings from BD into the current situation because that's just too much to handle.

RCT

Wow everyone touched something in me on this thread…last year was my year of anger…anger at the disease and what it has robbed me of. I am 66 yo and very healthy and active and my retirement is now being a caregiver. Now I am sad …my husband is sick and it is not his fault….his cognitive decline is a disease.  I, too,  am resentful at times..I look at my friends and the fulfilling lives they are leading. I work on gratitude and acceptance daily. It’s a challenge for sure.

mrahope

Honestly, I sometimes feel I have a choice between bad emotions almost daily.  I get so angry at the annoying little things he does (the lecturing, the repeated questions, the misunderstandings), but anger is a reflexive thing, easy to feel and comes without you thinking.  This is the "little anger".  The "big anger" or resentment comes from looking at the retirement I wanted to have vs the actuality of my present moment.  I have two sisters with whom I'm very close, and sometime I can't help envying them for having husbands who are more truly partners.  Again, an "easy" and reflexive emotion.  

Sadness, OTOH, is a sneaky devil.  It wasn't until lately that I realized how sad I was.  I realized my closest human in the world is dying by inches.  I miss him so, so much.  Sadness sucks the energy out of me, and I never know what will trigger it.  And yet, I'm one of the lucky ones in some respects because we were happy most of the time, even though he was home a lot less than I was and I also learned to do most things myself.  I miss the companionship most of all.

What to do?  Try to figure out what helps most in the moment.  I sometimes journal, I read posts here.  I'm lucky enough to sing in a senior citizen choir and just doing that takes me out of my head.  Music is a wonderful distraction.  And I'm a worker bee.  Anything I can work on makes me feel I'm moving forward.  You may have to look a while before you find your thing, and honestly, even then, that resentment and anger will bubble up. Forgive yourself as much a you can.

ghphotog

I have a few holes in the walls to repair from a blow up last week so you're in good company.
Days filled with drama and emotion, very little time to myself as my wife shadows me everywhere I go and requires my attention from sunup to sundown, every second of every day. Sometimes I think the bathroom is the only place I can "hide" for a few minutes but then my DW starts searching for me, calling out to me. I'll let her know "I'm in here!", she'll say "OK", two seconds later "where are you?". 
Even though my mom lives with us and sees my struggle everyday she still doesn't understand and is jealous of all the time I spend with my wife. I have nothing emotional left to support my mom with and she starts having a pity party, feeling neglected even though she "sees" and I've explained to her a thousand times that my DW has a disease and it requires all of my attention. My mom still doesn't seem to get it but she is safe with me but that's about it.
I have a lot of resentment to some family members for leaving me to caregive alone, not only for my wife but my mother as well, and I'm dealing with that as I don't want to burn any bridges, when and if I make it out "alive" and this ordeal is over. That would just be another "regret" I'll have to face later and I have too many of those to look forward to now.

Hang in there! We all completely understand where you're at in this.

Paris20

There’s no way of winning against dementia. Ironically, unlike those spouses who did everything for so long. I had a husband who did everything. He could fix anything (plumbing, electric, and carpentry), cook gourmet meals for a crowd, and teach advanced finance and accounting at a major research university. My resentment came from having to develop the skills to deal with home maintenance and repair, taxes, etc. when I was on the wrong side of 65. I was proud when I mastered everything, although part of my “success” came in learning whom to call to deal with all those skills which were projects to my husband but problems to me.

Sprayberry

This is really good advice.  I feel the exact same way you do.  I am 66 years old and have good and bad days.  My husband has Alzeheimer's as well and according to his doctor it is  moderately severe.  He is still dressing himself but it is a very slow process.  He was not getting a shower everyday for several years, but now seems to be getting them most days.  I am not sure why he started back.  I am a busy bee also just trying to keep my mind busy so I don't get so depressed.  I do see a stress counsler.  It seems everyday I put out a fire.  I have faith in the Lord and I pray each day and read my bible and help God to please help me cope with this situation I am in.  I did not plan on spending my retirement years this way either.  

JoseyWales

I spent the first several years angry at the universe. Really angry. I think anger was easier than acceptance. I tried to hide the anger from DH the best I could, although it wasn't always him that made me angry. It was just knowing that I'd lose him, and the anxiety and stress over trying to figure out how to finish raising our son and keep myself in decent financial shape. (DH was diagnosed at 51 - I was 47).  

I don't really know when the anger disappeared. Probably the last 6 months of him being home when I was so tired and overwhelmed taking care of him, and then placement came. I'm no longer angry, just sad. 

I have a hole in the wall from when I tried to throw my cell phone on the bed a couple of years ago in complete anger and frustration. I was so angry and I threw that phone HARD thinking it would hit the soft pillow. My aim was wayyyy off. I hit the wall and took a chunk out of it. I'll also admit to slamming many a door and dresser drawer. Never broke any of those, luckily.

JC5

I was hesitant about posting this as I felt it was just a rant but now I see all the responses and feel that maybe I helped others express their thoughts as well. Thank you all for your replies they have not only helped me but all on this board!!

mommafour

I have days when I fail miserably at anger control and then end up feeling so guilty because DH doesn't deserve my rants.  I spend too much time being angry, resentful, and depressed.  DH can sense when I am stressed and asks if he is the cause.  I want to say "yes, you are!" but blame it on work instead.  I am fortunate that my daughter is the director of a memory care center and understands what I am feeling.  She urges me to send her text messages when I need to vent and that helps somewhat.  It also helps me to read this board and know that I'm not alone.

RCT

For those of you who are sad and grieving even though your loved is still alive there is a thing called anticipatory grief which I feel I am experiencing …there are some great articles about it and I will be talking to a counselor about in a couple of weeks. Am happy to send links if anyone is interested.

CatladyNW

I would very much like to read more about anticipatory grief.  I have been dealing with my DH’s issues for several years.  He is now in AL, and every time I visit him, he is a little worse, and I come away in tears, feeling the loss all over again.

Crushed

Whatever anticipatory grief is I have been having it since DW failed the clock drawing test in 2010.  I knew then that I would be where I am now.  I am at the stage where all I can do is keep DW comfortable in memory care and wait for her (or me) to die. She gets excellent care. her body is in fine shape as her brain shuts down.  She can now swallow what you put in her mouth and nothing else.

My memories are fine. She was the brilliant and loving and beautiful love of my life.  I watched s she dominated technical conferences with her intellect, convinced Congress to do the right thing,  organized a technical team of software developers and changed the practice of medicine. She was a feminist through and through.   She loved my cooking and appreciated me as a real partner.   She was a careful caring mother who raised wonderful children  but never really knew her grandchildren.   . She was a good scuba diver and a fine animal photographer.  She was always my "fun girl" (what's the difference between an evening dress and a nightgown ?  You shut the door.)  

That life has been over for 5 years.  Her last email was 8 years ago  Her last original work was 14 years ago.  She has been "dying by inches" for 13 years. 

Nothing much helps the process.    I wrote this poem in 2011

  Bethesda Dawn

  Footsteps in the sand

 Stretch back till time began

 And forward lies a path

 We cannot know

 But here and now we walk

 And love and laugh and talk

 And give each other life

 And love and hope

 The birds are singing near

 The touch of dawn is here

 The golden sun is climbing

 In the sky

 For all must walk this way

  Draw pleasure every day

 And leave the dark and cold behind your back

 My love and I have come

 From dark and cold to sun

 And now we feel the warmth upon our hands

 We have this day to live

 Our love and hope to give

 And we will gather treasure while we can

 While there is breath in man

 We make life what we can

 And take the sun and sand and sea and sky

 We take them for our own

  Our life our love our home

 And we will walk together

 You and I

 March 10 2011

RCT

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/caregiver-health/grief-loss-as-alzheimers-progresses

RCT

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/caregiver-health/grief-loss-as-alzheimers-progresses

RCT

https://www.dementia.org/dementia-grief-3-stages

RCT

Hi…I attached the articles separately as technology is not my strong suit but its a 3 part series and was quite eye opening. My local support group leader suggested I go talk to someone as I am so sad. The articles have already helped me and hope they help you too.

Stuck in the middle

JC5 wrote:

 I know I am resentful and I have to let go of my past disappointments with him in order to help him now. Just don’t know how! 

A punching bag might help, and it is good exercise.

I don't blame you for being angry.  I have some long-term anger myself, which I am in the habit of repressing.  

I have to drive out to DS's RCF tomorrow and raise Cain about some things, and I'm saving some grumpiness for them.  

Dumping my anger on DW is of no benefit.  There were things she could have done better in past years, but she can't do them now.

CatladyNW

Thanks, RCT, these articles are very interesting, and I haven’t seen this subject addressed like this before. I’ve been going through a period where I just can’t stop crying.  I was never one to cry, but now I can’t seem to control it. I was beginning to think I was losing it, so it’s good to know that what I am experiencing is not abnormal.

Stella Luna

RCT, Thank you for the articles, very interesting. I have been experiencing ambiguous grief for 8 years, sadness and feelings of isolation are my constant companions.

Crushed, what a lovely poem!

Danni5

My mother is about to go into full time care. I visited my grandmother once a week when she had the disease, I struggled emotionally with those visits but after she passed away I was glad I visited her....now I'm about to go through the whole emotional rollercoaster again with my mum..I just don't know who to cope. Any help would be great.

Berryette

Thank you for posting JC5!  I haven't checked in here for several days as I have just been overwhelmed and decided to "pretend" all of this isnt happening.  I can relate to all you have said.  I get angry at a disease that has such complete control over every moment of my life.  But I also am angry at the last 37 years of our marriage.  An example- my birthday was yesterday.  My husband has no idea.  Now what kind of wife is mad because of that!!  The kind that has been forgotten for the majority of birthdays when he wasnt sick- that kind.  But I still feel selfish and whiny.  The two worlds are mixing and I need to find a way to let go of all the forgotten birthdays, anniversaries, etc.  Let go of all the pain of the past- because even if he magically wanted to remember and celebrate with me- now he cant!!  I am not saying this well.  The pain of the past is sneaking in and making me angry with him now when he doesnt say happy birthday or compliment me on literally anything- because of all the years when he could have and didnt.  Now he just cant.  I need to find a way to let it go.  I too trust in Jesus and ask daily for an added measure of grace to let the past go and live with compassion towards this man I am caring for.

Thel

Thank you. Very informative, a lot of good information.  I am in the grieving process.  Tring to make since of it all and feeling very angry that I was Robbed my retirement years. As now I will spend them caring for my DH. I feel sad and angry every day, but yet I have to face this sad situation and deal with it the best I can. I'm glad I found my way here.