I’m angry and resentful!

Crushed

Berryette wrote:

  The pain of the past is sneaking in and making me angry with him now when he doesnt say happy birthday or compliment me on literally anything- because of all the years when he could have and didnt.  Now he just cant.  I need to find a way to let it go.

Its hard to let the past go even if your life was wonderful.  Therapy helps.  My wife was a driven professional and a dedicated mother. I was very loved and fairly well treated but  felt for years like I came in third.  I missed the early stages of the disease because all of sudden she wanted to just be with me! 

so its tough no matter what .  DW was 58 when the disease hit.
You have my sympathy   
Therapy helps 

Kibbee

A friend commented to me about my situation with DH - "You must be sad all the time."  My response was that I was not sad, and that my most dominant emotions at this time were frustration, anger, and yes .... resentment.  (She possibly thought I was a horrible person, but I can't worry about that.  Nobody can understand what it's like to be a day-in, day-out, no-end-in-sight, hands-on caregiver until they are in that situation themselves.)

There was a time when I did feel sad about DH's situation.  It was very hard during the time his ex-colleagues were advancing in their careers to partnerships and C-suite appointments, and he was entirely derailed and out of the game.  But then the stress and burn-out got to them and they all started talking about how they couldn't wait to stop working and retire.  Well, in a way DH was already there so that made me feel better!  You know the old saying ... If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

RCT

Thank you all for this thread….it feels so good to know that others share  similar feelings and concerns. I will let you know how it goes with my first counseling session in a couple of weeks. Happy the articles helped some of you. You can always private message me.

12 Step Hope

I’m angry at myself for the times I yell at DH.  It’s always something very minor and at the end of the day.  I’m real sad that the two of us can’t lovingly comfort and forgive the other like we did throughout our lives.  I end up feeling so totally alone.  

Here’s what I’ll do, thanks to members who post here—realize and accept I cannot manage AD.  It’s bigger than I am.  I’ll need a daily rest period, something I hate is to take a break.  I have to let go and pray mid-day so I have the calm endurance we all need.  I’m an over vigilant over doing and anxious  personality.  Easy Does It.  Everything does not have to be done and perfect.  I will make Sunday worship my highest form of self care, instead of something I did if it’s convenient.  I’ll ask for a referral to a counselor too when I see my doc next week.  I don’t want to be another victim of AD.

Face

Thank you for all the posts on anger, guilt and depression. My husband has MCI we think. We have been trying to find help for him since the 2nd year of our marriage 11 years ago. He is high functioning in the eyes of the world but i know otherwise. One moment i tell myself he cant help it, his short term memory is getting very bad. The next minute I totally know hes being a jerk. I spent years trying to tell them apart. What a waste of my health, its all mixed together and i must turn away from this grief and anger. I want to be a good help-mate to him but he resents it unless he asks me a specific question, which is constantly. I worry about alll that he is messing up. All i do is fix his mistakes and try to reason with him regarding everything in our lives. He is pretty much in denial (says he has a little short term memory problems). I found a counselor that has help me out of a two year depression. Now we are working on the anger that I believe stems from fear of the future.  Peace to you all and thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am not alone

Belldream

Crushed, thank you for that poem! I would love to print it to have nearby as a reminder when needed.  And JC5 thank you for this post. All these replies have been so meaningful for me as well.

Iris L.

Face wrote:

  I worry about alll that he is messing up. All i do is fix his mistakes and try to reason with him regarding everything in our lives. He is pretty much in denial (says he has a little short term memory problems). 

Most PWDs have anosognosia, which is distinct from denial.  You cannot "reason" with anosognosia, you have to learn to use work-arounds. With dementia, he WILL mess up.  It helps to anticipate the mess-ups and find ways to avoid them or to mitigate the bad results.  This depends upon the situation, of course.  Get a handle on the finances and legal steps.  Dementia-proof the household and take safety measures.

PWDs may become fearful.  You have to work in the background to stabilize your lives.  PWDs lose the ability to think "if...,then...".  So you have to become creative in your assurances.  The members have a lot of experience in this.

Iris L.

AnnieTB

Boy, I have hardly ever posted but this one really spoke to me. It is SO SAD when folks post about losing their spouse who was the love of their life…also sad is feeling like you missed out on having the love of your life. My husband has always been very dependent, not a particularly hard worker, I was the provider, main parent, breadwinner, etc. I though he was so caring in the beginning because he was an artist and loved music, etc. But the long term selfishness and lack of a true partner have been tough, even our adult son has talked to me about it. Now he has dementia/alz (for 10+ years but still relatively mild) and my looking towards an active, fun retirement days are nearly gone. I too have tried to leave the resentment behind, but I can’t say it’s easy. Thank you for your honesty.

glejeune

I know I'm not the only one angry and resentful. How do you try to calm yourself and accept this. It's been 3 years and I'm still "trying to fix him". I went to counseling - but kept being told the same "you are grieving the loss of your husband". I just have so much anger because he retired right after he started having issues. I didn't even connect the dots for about a year or so after retirement. My husband was a very loving, caring husband and now it's like he's just here. I've taken over everything in our household - including the house. Side note - he traveled his entire career, so he doesn't see this home that we have been living in for the last 14 years as ours - he thinks he's at an AIRBNB or sometimes an office building since I work from home. So, he doesn't do anything because it's "not our home". I've tried everything - i.e., chore lists, bought books to help and the book helped on how to communicate, but I can't help but lose it every few days and need to know what to do to handle that and get over the fact that he is just not the same person I married. I feel like I'm trapped. And I shouldn't feel like that.

Jeanne C.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/213304#Comment_213304

It's more than ok be angry. I'd be worried if you weren't. Welcome to the place where none of us want to be. Please feel free to vent, share, ask questions, etc. We're all in this with you. This is an old post, but all of it is relevant and true today.

l7pla1w2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/160067#Comment_160067

I've been on the verge of crying many times, but I just haven't managed to do it. I don't have trouble crying at weepy movies, so I'm not sure what's preventing it.

Sherry LD

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/159797#Comment_159797

so agree! I have an online therapist just for that reason

howhale

Wow, I am not the only person dealing with the guilt and shame of outbursts to that foreign person living with me. Like someone else noted, I too have had to repair a few holes in the wall or other signs of my feelings boiling over. When it happens, I know it is wrong but sometimes there is just no outlet for it all. It frightens my DW terribly and she leaves the room. And then minutes later she returns and she apologizes for upsetting me and begs me to forgive her. She apologizes to me!! No, that is not right and then my guilt and shame become more that I can bear and the tears flow. Can't she just be angry with me? Yell at me! No, she does not even recall why I am angry but senses that she did something wrong and apologizes. I hate this disease. My DW did not deserve to live out her life like this.