How do you know when it's time to move parent into Assisted Living?

bstodolak

My mother lives in another state with her partner of over 30 years and has early to mid-stage dementia. Her partner has expressed that he can't take caring for anymore (and is often angry with her and also has severe anxiety and depression) but when I suggest that I can move her down to assisted living in FL to be near me he resists this. I figure at some point I will need to pull the trigger just do it so she gets social support she needs. Her partner would not be moving with her so I would basically be breaking them up. When I speak to her about it she says how she does not want to leave. She does have daily home health right now to lessen the burden on her partner. How do I know when it is the right time?

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome.

It sounds like the time is now. Her partner has signaled clearly that he isn't willing or up to the task. Believe him. I mean, would you hire an older anxious and depressed caregiver who yells at your mom when he loses his temper? I think not.

I suggest you connect with an elder law attorney in their state to figure out a way to obtain to control of the situation and legally untangle their living arrangements. Do they own a house together, does he have tenants rights living there, are there other joint assets, have they entered into a common law marriage over the years of living together?

I would not discuss or try to reason with her. She doesn't have the executive function or memory to follow your argument. She may have anosognosia which means she isn't able to know that she's had a cognitive shift.

Pick a MCF-- if she's approaching midstage, the AL cruise has sailed without her-- and move her into it. You can use a fiblet about her coming to visit or perhaps you need her help with something and get her moved. You can call the MCF a senior apartment as if it's temporary.

HB

bstodolak

Thank you - my gut has been telling me that. I appreciate your feedback.

towhee

Do you have Durable Power of Attorney (finance) and Medical Power of Attorney? Or does her partner? In order to move her to assisted living someone will have to have that. Do you have an idea of her finances and how much she can afford to pay for care on an ongoing basis? People sometimes start out with a fancy assisted living and run out of money, meaning they are scrambling for a medicaid bed when they don't expect that. Do you know what her doctor says about her condition and what level of care she will need? Have you looked into waiting lists for care in your state?

To buy some time to get your financial ducks in a row you might consider increasing her care hours or looking into day care.