update: five days in new MC

M1

I think we are making progress. After having to leave her upset last Friday, I stayed away the weekend, but had good communication with the staff. Went in --by myself--for two hours yesterday afternoon and again this morning, and although she was asking why she was there and how long she had to stay, she was not all over me like she had been at the other facility. I told her we were going to try to get her back better--which is partially true, they are sending her for physical therapy--and she is clearly much happier with the space of the facility; we have walked, looked around, met the cat and the birds, explored the garden a little bit (but it's been cold and windy). She is not willingly participating in group activities or meals--I am going to work on that, since she is accepting my presence I plan to go in every day that I can to get her out of her room for breakfast and involved, if I can, by going to activities with her, and lunch. Many staff already know her name and are very friendly and welcoming. She had "packed up" her room again--planning to leave--but let me unpack it and even rehang pictures without fussing. I told her not to be a jackass, and she laughed. Fingers crossed, For five days in, it feels like progress to me.

I came home at lunch and cleaned the chicken house, mowed the lawn and the fenceline. Encouragement makes all the difference.

Ed1937

That's the best news I've heard from you for over a year! Congrats, and a job well done. I can tell you're feeling much better than you have for a loooong time.

jfkoc

wonderful...

Joydean

So very happy for you and your wife! It sure sounds like the new MC is a”paradise “ compared to the other place. What a burden lifted off your shoulders. This is definitely better for both of you!!

toolbeltexpert

Woo-hoo this sounds great and yes when the visits go well it translates into a happier M1. So glad this move turned out soon well for you both.

Battlebuddy

such a good report. I hope they keep coming.

Vitruvius

I'm very happy for you. I hope you make progress with acclimating her to her new place.

Jeff86

Fantastic update. Been so hard on both of you for so long. Couldn’t be happier for you with the improvement

harshedbuzz

This sounds so much better. I hope it continues.

HB

White Crane

That’s great news, M1! Praying the progress continues.

Quilting brings calm

Great news. Immediate relief for you too.

Jo C.

What a really great start and improvement in only a few short days. I can hear the relief in your voice and am so very happy for both of you.

Even the hens are smiling!

J.

ImMaggieMae

This sounds like more progress in 5 days than she had in a year at the other place! She is headed in the right direction. It will be even better once she is more involved and familiar. It’s great that you are able to visit.

Caro_Lynne

M1 thanks for sharing and know we are all so happy for you. Cheers to continued good new!

Dio

M1, so glad for you! One day at a time...that's all we can do. Hope it continues in the right path.

M1

Going again tomorrow so we'll see. The floor nurse has a cell phone, and twice now they have called to let her talk to me on it--pointless conversations, really, she said today that I should come get her tonight (I told her I was working all day). So this is something we'll have to work through. There will obviously still be challenges--they are more antsy about her long-term pain meds for her back, want her to go back to see a pain specialist, which I think is fruitless. But--hopefully we'll get there, nothing that puts up red flags yet. Her furniture (just three or four items) is being returned from the previous facility tomorrow, once that's done I will likely be there most of the weekend. So this is a new experience for me, to see how these visits go. I don't think she remembers a thing about the other facility already.

Elshack

M1, hoping that this transition to the new place continues to be a positive one. You have always been so kind in your replies to me and I want you to know I look forward to your posts and hearing that things are hopefully improving as your companion adjusts to her new surroundings.

Ed1937

Wishing the best for both of you when you visit today. I have a feeling you have rounded the corner to more normal visits settings.

White Crane

I hope your visit goes well today. You have worked so hard on her behalf. Praying she settles in and can be content.

Marta

M1- although I know your partner’s diagnosis, it’s still amazing to me that she doesn’t seem to remember the first MC. For you, that place is indelibly etched on your hippocampus (no, autocorrect- not hippopotamus!)

I join everyone here in delight that this was a very good move.

mommyandme (m&m)

Thanks for your updates. So glad to read a skip in your step, even if only one. She’s very fortunate to have you.

GothicGremlin

Fingers crossed for you and your partner today. Hopefully the settling in process continues to go well and visiting becomes less stressful.

Dio

M1, wishing you nothing but the best for you and your wife!

It's been almost 3 weeks since DH moved in to MC, and I'm still on the fence about visiting my DH. The dilemma: will the visit benefit him, or me? What if it triggers his desire to come home but gets agitated and depressed because he can't? He's doing so well right now, what if my visit will elicit aggression? Some have reported that their LO wanted to kick down the doors to leave...heavy sigh. Sadly, there's no clear answer, no crystal ball.

Jo C.

Hello there DIo - I read your Post and understand your anxiety about that first visit. I too felt very much that way, but my imagined worries were far worse than the actuality. Here are some things I learned about visits right away as my LO was not an easy personality. I checked with staff re the best time of day to make visits when my LO was usually most likely to be in a better frame of mind and made that time of day the "appointment" time for my visits.

First, let staff know I am there and asked for my LO to be brought to the dining room or activity room for our visit - if in a place where other people were, the visit was much calmer; if the visit was in private in my LOs room, there was a high level of agitation.

Second, bring a treat such as a favorite cookie, candy, etc. That will often make for a nice first response for the visit.

If the visit is reasonable, I could stay BUT not too long; I made the visit a bit shorter just to keep things from possibly sliding sideways. If my presence caused a meltdown, I simply removed my self and left.

When it was time for me to leave, I would excuse myself to, "use the bathroom." I did not say goodbye or kiss, etc. I simply removed myself from the setting AND requested staff to refocus my LO onto an activity or other dynamic. That worked every time.

I also learned, while things were still often highly negative, not to visit except two to three times a week. This kept my LO engaged at the facility and I was not a trigger for acting out. I also learned at first not to make my visits longer than 20 to 30 minutes and as things settled down over time, I could make the visits longer and more frequently, but I had to be patient and wait for things to evolve. I did keep touch with staff though to monitor matters.

Also, if it is possible, one can attend special activities and join in, our LO is engaged in the activity and we share the time; this can work some of the time and if it works, it is a satisfying endeavor.

Everyone's situation is different, but that is what worked for me.

J.

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Dio

Jo: Thank you so much for sharing your experience and helpful tips! When I do visit, I'll definitely keep these in mind. If/when I visit, I'll probably start a new thread, though, so I don't hijack M1's post.

M1

No worries about hihacking DIo, it's all part of the conversation. Having been through a full year of flying by the seat of my pants and hanging on by the skin of my teeth, I totally get how you feel. So much of it is gut instinct: remember, you know your LO better than anyone.

And that is so proving true for me....right now I am almost euphoric, after a week the difference is night and day dramatic and I could not feel more validated for standing my ground and fighting to get here. I feel like I should pinch myself, I just got back from my third solo visit since Tuesday, spent three hours with her, and it was simply delightful. We ate lunch, listened to a concert (which was happening far enough off and in a big enough space that we could just be on the periphery, like she likes), talked about lots of old things, laughed, carried on like we used to. She spent most of the time telling me how much she loved me (be still, my heart). Now mind you, she is still asking me why she is there and how long she has to be there and had packed up her room yet again---but she is accepting the party line of the moment (we are working on getting your back better) and not unhappy, let me unpack and put her stuff away without complaint. Let me leave without following me to the door. She seems to know that I am coming back tomorrow; i told her if it's not raining I am bringing some trugs, some clippers, and some gloves, and we are going to work on weeding in the garden. And we will, be it tomorrow or whenever. Since she is tolerating my presence, we will do whatever makes her happy. I have told her that since she has to be there to work on her back, we might as well find things to do in the down times, and she is seeming to accept that. And they are in fact planning physical therapy--talked to the therapist today, and she thought they could justify at least a four-month plan. Which is great, will keep her busy.

Victoria, suggest away--no offense taken whatsoever, I have no high horse to sit on here. Sadly she's had RFA's, epidurals, trials of spinal cord stimulators, and five different spinal surgeries. It's a true mess and at this stage, there's not much more invasive stuff I'm willing to try because she wouldn't understand it. I've always called her the healthiest sick person I know, tough as an old boot, most days could outwork me outside despite the terrible back. Once when her pain medicine wore off she just said "sh*t, just give me some whiskey and a rawhide chew." That's my Texan talking.

But I am over the moon relieved. And grateful. For whatever time we have left. And for you guys, as always. Hope I can pay it forward and return the favor for someone else.

Emily 123

So good to hear, M1!

Ed1937

I'm so thrilled for you, I don't know what to say. Thanks for the update.

Dio

M1, that is so good to hear! We need some good news to balance out some of the sorrows here. Oh you've been paying forward for a long time already 🤗

PookieBlue

M1,

I lived with chronic back pain for years. It was horrible. I had a lot of physical therapy, chiropractic treatment, steroid injection, cold laser therapy, the works. I had 99% nerve blockage and a slipped disk. I finally saw a neurosurgeon and was shown the titanium screws that would be used for the surgery. That was something I truly wanted to avoid. I researched Platelet Rich Plasma therapy and had it done about 4 years ago. It was a miracle. I was pain free until about 6 months ago at which time started to get some minor flare up’s because my DH can no longer help with very much and I’m having to lift things I shouldn’t. But as we caregivers lead fairly isolated lives and we know the cavalry is not coming to help. Not all PRP clinics are equivalent though, so you want to do your homework. Restore PDX In Beaverton, Oregon is where I went. My sister had treatment in Denver, CO and we both had wonderful results. They basically draw out 300 to 500cc of your own blood, centrifuge it, and inject the platelet rich plasma into the damaged area using several injections. It is an outpatient procedure, and when you get home you rest for about 24 hours.

Not sure if this would be a possibility for your DW, but thought I’d mention it to you.