Constant anger

JC5

I’m sure you have experienced days where nothing that you say or do is the right thing. Well I’ve been having many days like this! I understand DH is angry with his situation and has an overwhelming need to have control of his life again but this is becoming absurd! I am finding it very difficult to deal with . This morning he asked if the clothes in his laundry bag were clean or dirty. I told him I didn’t know and asked if he put the clothes away last time he did laundry. Instant anger! I know it’s because he didn’t remember and said look at the clothes and see if they have to cleaned. Wasn’t the answer he wanted. I don’t know what answer would have pleased him.

I had to cut the connection off our garden hose because I couldn’t get it off. DH comes out to help and as I’m trying to wrap up the old kinked up hose that was just cut to throw away Instant anger! We can use that hose! Nothing I say or do is ok with him. How do I cope with this? There are mornings I don’t want to leave my room and face another day of anger and being blamed for his illness!

terei

If he is not on medication to moderate this, I would consider it + discuss with his Dr

JC5

Thank you Terri . We have an appointment next week will ask.

JC5

OMG! Now he’s yelling at because I don’t want to get Chinese food tonight and have made dinner already! Is this typical behavior?

Dio

JC5, so sorry this is happening to you. For the past couple months, my DH was constantly angry with me, too. Nothing I did was right, and I mean NOTHING. He'd be yelling at me for everything--screams at me that I was "doing it all wrong" and will "break the coffee machine" whenever I made coffee, turning on/off lights, doing laundry, vacuuming, washing dishes, cooking/heating up food, putting moisturizer on my face, using up the last utensil/pot/pan, that we have nothing left. It got worse when incontinence started, and he refused to change his soiled clothes and wouldn't allow me to take them to the laundry room. It was WW3 morning and night to get him to do his daily hygiene. He got aggressive physically, too, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me like a leaf when I tried to get him to brush his teeth, shave, shower, change Depends... It was utterly unbearable. I had to sleep half awake just to be ready in case I needed to call 911. Then in a rare moment of clarity, he'd remember having been so aggressive and mean to me and would apologize profusely. But soon after, the anger will begin again.

To be honest, I've concluded that I was the trigger for his anger--since I was his lifeline, for he knew he needed me to survive, but at the same time he resented me for wielding this power over him. There was no other explanation to be found. It's just so sad that this wretched disease stole my sweet, gentle husband. Well, he's in memory care now, and the professionals have taken over his care.

Wishing you success in finding the right medication(s) to mediate his angry mood.

CStrope

My DH is angry with me any time I'm not smiling and being the "stepford wife". Anyone who knows me, knows how difficult it is for me to smile, agree and keep my mouth shut!! It's even more difficult now that his language skills have declined so much and I seldom can understand what he's talking about. But to keep the peace, I smile, agree and keep my mouth shut!!! Believe me, its difficult

ThisLife

I can relate to H constant anger and not wanting to come out of my room to face another day. I play Ms. Susie Sunshine with a sugary voice every minute that I'm in his presence. (I hope to win an Oscar soon.) I try not to do anything to trigger him, if possible. PCP added a mild dose of Celexa a bedtime which has helped some. I agree with Dio that my H knows on some level he needs me and resents it. Doesn't like being told what to do. He has three facial expressions blank, glowering, and seething.

Quilting brings calm

Men often express their depression through anger. So antidroression medication may be helpful.

Remember - always have your phone on you and have a plan for which locked room in the house that you will go to if he becomes aggressive.

mrahope

Just to say, I can relate. DH seems to be angry more often than not. And yes, he realizes that I am his lifeline..and seems to hate it a great deal of the time.

LanaJoy

Don’t blame yourself. He is in his own world and will be angry no matter what you do or say. It is a symptom of the disease. My DH was the same way. I was always trying to say or do the right thing to keep him calm and happy. Once I mentioned that his socks didn’t match. OMG! He flew off the handle and said something about me always criticizing him. And I certainly couldn’t reason with him because his reasons for being angry never made sense in the first place. But, like you, would always find myself on the receiving end of his outbursts.

Take the advice of Quilting Brings Calm and have a safe room ready in case his anger escalates to physical aggression. I hope it never gets that bad for you but it happened to me. My DH’s angry hurtful words turned into physical aggression. It started with just yelling at me all the time, then there were a few shoves. Then chasing and grabbing me, pushing me down. I locked myself in the bathroom at 6:30 this morning after a brief struggle with him because he didn’t think I should have poured myself a cup of coffee. He usually tires himself out after ranting for a couple hours and falls asleep. It’s now 11:30, yes, 5 hours later, and I am still waiting for him to fall asleep. Luckily I have my phone with me so I can read the Alz forum to pass the time

ImMaggieMae

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/171553#Comment_171553

Dio, were the professionals at the memory care facility able to calm your husband’s anger? Are there other patients there who have anger issues and are violent?

Dio

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/171621#Comment_171621

Once he moved into memory care, he has not displayed any anger or aggression, although he still gets anxious when they take away his dirty clothes. Staff just keeps reassuring him that his clothes will be returned once they've been cleaned. He does resist changing incontinence briefs or clothes but will follow staff's instructions. Go figure, right? I can only conclude that I am the trigger.

The facility has experienced aggressive and angry residents. If redirection and distraction don't work, and/or medication fails, they will send the resident to the ER. However, I'm told this only happens as the last resort.

OhDear

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/171629#Comment_171629

I don't believe you are the trigger - I experience this every day and it hurts so much. I'm a "selfish person who doesn't care about her husband at all." I try to remember it's the pain and confusion and loss of independence - sometimes I am "an amazing God-send." I should feel glad that he's still so eloquent. Hah! He does act completely differently with strangers. He feels comfortable cursing and yelling and berating me because we are husband and wife. Double-edged sword - I keep offering divorce but he hasn't taken me up on that yet - so guess I am important to him in the end. So far just anger - no aggression.

ButterflyWings

@LanaJoy and others, please keep your phone, a charger, and keys + wallet on you at all times. You need to be able to leave at a moment's notice for your safety.

It is tempting to put your LOs safety first in this situation but PLEASE think of yourselves. This is not selfish, It is wise and important. You have the healthy brain, and dementia should not be allowed to run the show for both of you. It is dangerous. Extremely.

Please disappear all weapons and anything that can be weaponized. Guns and knives (including little kitchen knives), any heavy objects, scissors, hammers, and more. This is a 3 alarm fire level urgency. Please. Thank you! Sending light and love.

M1

This is an old post from May 2023. OhDear, welcome to the forum. You will get more responses if you start a new discussion rather than posting on an old thread. Takes a while to get used to….

TerrificWeber

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/64888/constant-anger

The anger is just unbearable. I don't know how to do this any more. His anger is now making me angry, depressed and not doing this things we enjoy. I'm so sad. If anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with this anger and my mental state,, please let me know.

ronda b

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/64888/constant-anger

I feel you. Seems like I'm having a lot of those lately. Unfortunately I have no answer.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/64888/constant-anger

JC5. It's not you it's the disease. If you haven't already, please read the book "The 36 Hour Day" it helped me understand and develop skills to redirect my DH when he was angry. Someone on this forum posted something that really helped me. It said "You can't reason with someone whose 'reasoner' is broken"… That stopped me in my tracks. No amount of reasoning or arguing will change his perception. His brain is broken. He's angry because he knows he's losing control and doesn't know what to do. Try not to take it personally - and I know that's very difficult to practice minute-by-minute. My husband is now Late Stage 6 in a memory care facility. I would still have him at home if I could physically care for him, except for my cancer diagnosis late last year. I also resented how he acted in the early stages, but I now wish I had him with me to argue with me rather than seeing him incontinent, agitated, aggressive, medicated and heading into Stage 7. Being a caregiver is the hardest thing anyone would ever have to do. He's lucky to have you. So sorry you are going through this. We truly understand. We've been exactly where you are now.

ghostkasper

I just joined. I see myself when I read postings. We have been married 61 years. DW has always been the sweetest, most loving person there is. Then came Dementia. She would swing her fist at me, kick me, push me. I went to a Dispensary (cannabis legal here in Arizona). The budtender suggested 5 mg of Sativa first thing in the morning and again at noon. Then 5 mg of Indica late afternoon. It comes with ten 10mg gummies in a pouch. I cut them in half for the correct dosage. She resisted taking them at first, now she likes them. Now, she rarely becomes agitated. She is mellow and agreeable again. I told her doctor what she was taking. He could not say anything but smiled and nodded in agreement. This may not work for everyone (or be legal). As a retired cop, I once took people to jail for Cannabis. My, how times change.

M1

Unfortunately i don't think there is an answer. We've just entered a new phase of it- my partner is not safe to be unsupervised in her MC room any more because of the fall risk. She is both a claustrophobe and an introvert, and has a bad back, all three of which make sitting with a group in activities very problematic. Looks like the only workable alternative is going to be one on one companion and possibly a room camera (which they are reluctant to do). she is furious, but there's no other safe alternative. The good news is that she can afford it because it's gonna cost an arm and a leg. They are also initiating hospice.

It helps me to deal with the anger by remembering the Dylan Thomas poem: this IS the raging against the dying of the light, not going gentle into that good night.