Tomorrow is the day we have to separate Mom and Angel

Shan

I’m just needing an outlet to vent and cry tonight so I can hopefully get it out and get some sleep before we have to do what we have to do tomorrow. Many of you have been blessed support while my sisters and I have been trying to work out how to keep my mom together with her beloved dog, Angel. And we have been able to buy several good months for them that they would not have had without a lot of support and strategy. But, unfortunately we got bad news, on Mother’s Day of all days, that mom’s agitation and aggression has escalated to the point it’s no longer safe for Angel to stay with her, and we are removing him tomorrow. Angel has been my mom’s lifeline since she got him as a puppy when my dad, her soulmate husband of 50+ years died close to 11 years ago. It breaks my heart to have to separate mom and Angel, but we have no choice. Needing prayers and hugs more than ever tonight.

harshedbuzz

Shan-

I am sorry it has come to this, but this is something you can do with a clear conscience as you have gone above and beyond to avoid this outcome.

I wish you the easiest day possible. You aren't taking Angel away from mom-- dementia is.

HB

Marta

Ditto what HB said. You have done your very best to keep them together. Now I am hopeful that out of sight means out of mind.

M1

Indeed Shan, you may find this is harder on you than it is on your mother. Only time will tell, but she may forget all about it quicker than you think. There would be mercy in that.

tigersmom

Shan, I am so sorry for all of you -- you, your mom, and poor Angel. As heartbreaking as this is, you are doing the right thing. I agree with what everyone else has said -- hopefully, out of sight will be out of mind, if not immediately then very soon afterward.

mommyandme (m&m)

So so difficult for you, as at would be for me, I’m really sorry! Maybe the result will be better than the worst you’re expecting. I hope so.

let us know how you’re doing today.

Jgirl57

Rough but necessary decision. Sorry this was so hard.

Shan

Thank you everyone for the heartfelt support. Today has been worse than I could have expected and not at all what any of us wants for our loved ones. One sister removed the dog with staff help so our mom didn’t see it was her, another sister sat with our mom to try to comfort her for the first hour until she had to go to work. I took the day off to be with mom as long as needed. For 4 hours she non-stop obsessed over when Angel was coming back, why it was taking so long, and demanding I take her to be with him. The LPN stopped in to see how she was doing and Mom told her if she doesn’t get Angel back she has a secret she plans on using and she’s going to kill herself. She refused lunch saying she doesn’t want to live without Angel. She was prescribed a light sedative which did nothing to calm her and as the day progressed she got worse with her sundowning; was having anxiety attacks, uncontrollable sobbing, even repeatedly hitting her own face calling herself stupid for letting them take her dog away. With staff collaboration we decided it was in her best interest to have her med transported to the hospital ED unit for a geriatric psych consult. My sister who has mom’s health directive responsibilities was in phone contact with the ED staff several times and they claim Mom is cooperative and calm and insists she never said she would harm herself so they won’t be able to hold her. They were going to discharge her tonight. My sister insisted they keep her until she gets evaluated by the geriatric psych doctor in the morning, and they agreed to that. Tomorrow morning all three of us sisters are going to see mom and give her the bad news fiblet that Angel didn’t wake up after his tooth extraction and he’s gone. We realize she’s too attached and obsessed with him that she’s not ever going to be ok with us telling her he’s coming back. So tonight, as much as I dread what has to be done again tomorrow, we have no choice. That way she is told the news in a safe environment where she can get proper care And they can hopefully stabilize her so she’s safe to go back to her MC. It’s been an emotionally draining day, I’m hoping to get some sleep tonight, so I have enough reserves to get through tomorrow. Thank you all again, it’s helpful to have support from others who can truly understand the devastation and trauma this disease causes for anyone touched by it.

CKCMaggio

Came here for the first time tonight, and despite my own problems re: a very close one with this problem, was so saddened to read this, having pets of our own. I understand the connection though, and can see how she could be so upset at the prospect of never seeing her loved pet again. Despite about 15 admissions to the hospital, my long-time friend and housemate has always been sent home so long as I was willing to agree. This time they are actually going to give her more of an evaluation! Not that I don't want her sent home, but...the whole situation stinks. Feels like there's no good way around it.

I feel sorry for you & your mother, me & my long-time companion, and the animal friends as well.

Carolyn

harshedbuzz

Shan-

I am so, so sorry. I hope you were able to snag some restorative sleep for the day ahead.

It's great that you can present a united front today, but I wonder if a call to the psych from the DON (or whomever made the call on medication and transport yesterday) could corroborate your concerns and give a 3rd party history regarding mom's obsession and her reaction. It feels like she's backed into a corner and showtiming. This may be one of those instances where a video could have been useful; I personally let many of these opportunities pass because in the moment it was hard to remember to do it.

An inpatient psych eval and treatment could really improve things for her. I hope it happens for her and you.

HB

Shan

Carolyn, I am so sorry you are going through a similar situation. And you are so right, the whole disease is horrendous. I barely slept and am up early now because my sister was contacted by ED until that the sedatives, mood stabilizer, and anti anxiety meds they were giving her overnight quit working for her and she became extremely combative and aggressive, kicking and screaming, had to be injected with sedatives and held down by three staff to restrain her for her and staff’s safety. And this extreme behavior is even before us telling her Angel didn’t make it through surgery. I’ve spoken with my sisters and we all still agree we have to stick to the story so she can grieve the loss and get the counseling and medical help she needs. As much as it kills me to do this to her, keeping Angel with her when she was starting to abuse him is not an option. If there is a silver lining to all this mess, we have been told by our niece who is fostering Angel while we find him a loving new home, Angel is doing better than any of us have seen him lately. He’s happy and calm, enjoying being free and able to be a happy dog again and not the support object for a very sad confused owner anymore. And, staff in the ED unit are able to fully see the extent of our moms behavior so she will be admitted to receive the psych help she so dearly needs. Her care team feels it is best to not tell her Angel died yet until after the consult with the psych Dr. So we are all still going to see her this morning and be there with her through this. Each time we take a step in this journey, it feels like the most excruciating heart breaking thing we’ve ever had to do, and then the situation turns for the worse and we get tossed to an even lower level of despair. I’m trying to keep reminding myself of the bright sides, Angel is free and mom is going to finally get the psych care she needs. But my heart is so broken right now. I hate this disease and what is is doing to us all!

Shan

HB,

Thank you so much for your support and advice. The DON has been in contact with the emergency team and has shared her history, and with the behaviors they saw overnight I don’t think we will have a hard case to admit anymore. And if they still don’t get the big picture, we do still have cameras with video and audio in her room so we can present them with plenty of evidence showing her need for psych care. Now we just have to get through the red tape of evaluation and admittance today. Praying we can get her admitted without anymore unnecessary drama for the sake of all of us.

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m glad to hear Angel has a new happy perspective on life. I hope your mom gets the care she deserves and is admitted today. So saddened about your moms turmoil and for all of you. Happy you sisters have each other. Thanks for your updates.

Marta

i am in tears for you this morning, Shan. Love to you, Angel, and your family.

Shan

Thank you again for all the loving support. I just got back from visiting my mom. She’s still restrained in bed with a locked waist belt because she’s so heavily sedated still that she doesn’t know where she is or who is visiting her. She came in and out of consciousness for a while but then fell into deep sleep as we were leaving to talk to the geriatric psych Dr. The Dr told us she can be admitted to geri psych ward but they have a waiting list and she would be #7 on that list. So they are keeping her in the secure ED room and starting a new meds regime. If a geri psych bed opens up they can move her there. But for now we just try to regulate her behaviors where she is, which isn’t ideal because the room looks like a padded cell minus the padding, but at least she can get the much needed med regulatory care she needs there. Now it is a waiting game to see if and hopefully when they can get her behaviors stabilized, and taking shifts sitting with her so when she comes to she’s not scared and lonely. All your prayers, love and support are greatly appreciated as we go through this.

ladyzetta

This makes me cry, Iam so sorry you're all going through this, I feel really sorry for your mom, you're doing what needs to be done. I would really hate to be in your Moms position. I have a dog and 2 cats, so I know how she feels. You're all in my prayers especially your Mom.

M1

Shan, I'm so sorry. Do you have any sense, as HB said, that she might be showtiming for the three of you? I'm specifically wondering if maybe someone besides the three of you should be the ones to bring up Angel, if anyone brings it up. Might be interesting to see what might happen if you never brought it up, does that seem unrealistic?

Shan

M1, she definitely was showtiming for the EMTs who transported her to ED. Before they arrived she was refusing to eat or drink, was angry, agitated, threatening to harm herself and everyone who had a part in taking her dog away. But when they showed up, she was as nice as can be and insisting she never said she would harm anyone including herself. They weren’t even sure they should take her to ED until the DON stepped in and told them what she’s been seeing all day. Mom was able to continue that demeanor upon admission to ED long enough they were going to send her right back to MC. But with her sundowning, she wasn’t able to continue pretending everything was fine and they got to see the fullest extent of her uncontrollable behavior which made them realize she is not safe to return to MC until she can be stabilized. So we are over that hurdle and she did have a geri psych consult, so we can start a new medicine regimen and hopefully find one that works. She even qualifies for a geri psych bed but there is such a long waiting list, there might not be one available when she still needs it. So, she has to stay in the secure ED room she’s in now

For now, because she was so sedated last night and most of today, we haven’t had to bring up the dog because she hasn’t been awake enough to even communicate. As they take her off the high dose of sedatives they had to use to keep her calm last night, and start her new protocol, the goal is to have her calm but less sedated so she can still function safely. Once that happens, she may start asking about Angel again. But, there’s always a chance she may not. We are just taking it moment by moment like we often have to do with this disease.

Shan

I’m very sorry to say the sedatives wore off enough tonight for Mom to remember Angel, and she did. I so wished that she could have come out of it not remembering him, but unfortunately we don’t get that blessing either. She asked where Angel was and we said he’s not coming back. Then Mom asked if he was dead and we told her yes. She was sad and cried but didn’t get overly upset or uncontrollable. Here’s hoping her new meds work and we can keep her in a more calm cooperative state while she grieves. I don’t think I’ve cried as much in my entire life as I have these last two days. I just want this pain to end for us and especially my mom.

Marp

I'm so sorry it has come to this, but you did everything you could to keep them together. You are to be commended for that.

Praying that the separation is as painless as possible.

Marta

Shan: Did you get any sleep?

let us know how you’re doing.

We are thinking of you.

Ed1937

I haven't been on the forum for a few days, so didn't see this thread. I'm so sorry for what all of you have been going through. It's not hard to understand why you haven't been getting the needed sleep. Prayers coming for you, your mother, and the rest of the family. The fact that Angel is doing well is the one bright spot in all of this.

Shan

I didn’t post yesterday because it was a other long hard day at the hospital. I was with my mom for 8 1/2 hours yesterday and in the time she was talking non-stop, hallucinating people and things she saw or heard in the room including people she loved but lost, asking about Angel obsessively even though we told her the previous day he died. She didn’t retain that and we felt it was too cruel to give her such bad news day after day so we decided to try saying he was safe with family because he can’t be in the hospital. That worked for a while but once sundowning kicked in, the story about Angel backfired again because she became obsessed with trying to get out of bed, which wasn’t safe because she was very wobbly from the meds, so she could leave and go home to Angel. Even her meds were not keeping her calm and relieving her agitation again. She had only slept about 2 hours Monday night, and yesterday she didn’t sleep even a minute while I was there. I left at 10:30pm and she still said she wasn’t tired and wouldn’t go to bed. However because she was so tired and confused we were able to get her to accept the fake stuffed Angel replica we brought. At first she was still refusing him because she said he’s not real and it’s not my dog. But the more I put it by her the more interested in him she became. Soon she started to pet him, hold him on her lap, kiss him and tell him how much she loved him. My sister and I looked at each other for the first time with relief that we finally received a small blessing during these hellacious days, because she accepted the stuffed Angel as the real Angel and it was giving her so much peace. We left last night exhausted but hopeful that we might have turned a corner for the good. But, that’s not at all what we came to this morning. The nurse told us she barely slept and was agitated again despite all the meds she was on. It was decided she needed to rest so Ativan was giving and soon after she was in afib again. Because our mom has a DNR and we knew she wouldn’t want us to continue to prolong her suffering at this point, we declined meds to treat the afib and chose comfort care instead. When the afib caused difficult breathing, she was given a low dose of morphine to relax her and that finally put her to sleep. We were told that she was definitely in heart failure and to notify family and friends that we were in end of life care. It’s just so hard to believe she was confused but able to visit with family on Mother’s Day and go for a walk with me outside the building and just 3 days later we are no where close to having her meds adjusted for aggression and agitation, and she’s now in heart failure and we are to the point of watching and waiting for her to die. This has been an excruciatingly difficult journey and I’m so conflicted. The suffering and pain is about to finally end for Mom, and the exhaustive care and constant worry is almost over for me, but I’m not ready to find out what my life is going to be like with my mom no longer in it with me, even though these past several years we’ve lost so much of her already. I’m extremely sad, and exhausted but finally going to bed since tomorrow this horrible journey keeps going. Thank you again for the much needed kind thoughts and prayers.

harshedbuzz

@Shan

Thank you for taking the time to update.

I am sorry every step of this has been fraught with pain for all involved. Peace and strength to you in the coming days.

HB

Shan

HB, Thank you, your reply was comforting waking up to as I plan for another long hard day at the hospital with Mom, family and other visitors that want to see Mom one last time. It’s exhausting and even though I did finally get about 4 hours of patchy sleep last night. I still feel physically and emotionally drained. My sister who is Mom’s health directive already let us know she received no alarming calls overnight and when she checked in this morning the update is no significant change and Mom is still resting comfortably with sedation. Even to the very end Mom is being a fighter. I told her last night before I left, closely in her ear so maybe some part of her hopefully heard me, that it’s ok to quit this fight and go home to her mom and dad, her husband -our dad- and our sister who passed 20 years ago, that those of us here will miss her and always love her but it’s time for us who are still here to share her again with the ones we lost. I don’t want my physical mom to leave me and I know when it inevitably happens the real grieving will begin, but we’ve been going through this long hell of partial constant prolonged grief for so many years, it’s time.

Marta

Shan: I hear acceptance in your words.

It was touching to read about Mom and the stuffed Angel. I’m sure he is by her side now.

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m so sorry that you’re where you are now. I’m very glad your mom is having some peaceful rest. I believe she heard you and knows you’re there. She’s blessed to have you all loving her and caring for her. Keep talking to her, touch her, play some favorite music for her…you can be her daughter again, now, instead of her “parent”. Of course, she could come back, maybe?

Anyway, when I was with my mom in her last days, she gave me the gift of being with her just as her daughter again. I fought it subconsciously at first. I had been in caregiver mode, CNA, meal/med prepper, entertainment guide, parent etc… for 2.5 years, and it was a sudden decline (covid) that brought us to that place. I wasn’t physically or emotionally prepared for her to leave me and I was kinda going bonkers with all the responsibility for her “round the clock” end of life care (long story). What a sense of peace I got when she somehow mothered me into calming myself and to just be there to help her through this phase of her life, in the role as her child. It’s so hard to explain.

Anyway, I hope you and yours can find your peace. My thoughts of comfort are with you.

Shan

Today my mom had many moments of alertness where she was partially awake enough to talk with us, some coherent and most not, and she even cracked a few “funnies”. She was mumbling about “getting things done and buying stuff” so we told her she can buy anything she wants and she said out if no where “the Taj Mahal?” We all roared laughing and she smiled like the cat who ate the canary for making us all so happy and for being so clever. I was able to talk to her while she was alert and tell her how much I love her and always will and she was even able to say I love you back. I’m so thankful we had today but I know it doesn’t mean we are getting her back. I know this is all still part of the roller coaster of end of life. But it was a nice reprieve from the total unresponsiveness of yesterday. Thank you all for helping support me on this difficult winding path. Your support and stories are helping me cope and get to the other side of my part in this too. M & M, you are so right, it does feel freeing to just be her daughter again. For that I’m thankful too. Marta, yes, I’m getting to the acceptance phase as difficult as this is, and yes, “Angel” is still right by her side. HB thank you for your kind wishes of peace and strength, and Ed thank you for your prayers. I need all I can get as this leg of the journey continues with no idea when the suffering will end.

MN Chickadee

I went through a similar journey where the end felt sudden for my mom and unexpected despite the long Alzheimers road that led to it. No matter when it comes it's a shock, and no matter how much grieving we think we have done ahead of time there is still plenty when that end does come. When we have to make decisions for their care we feel such responsibility even though very little is in our control. Just know that the "what-ifs" is all part of grief. We all do it. What if I had done that differently or tried this or that or made a different decision. It's part of how we process such a profound loss. If you are like me the loss is life changing. You may not be whole again but you'll figure out how to live with it. I am so sorry you are going through this. The last day and hours were excruciating for me but I am so glad I was there to give her a good send off. You are in my thoughts.

Shan

My mom passed early this morning at 1:15. I was at home sleeping when my sister called and said the hospital called her. None of us stayed late last night. We were all too tired and thought we probably had days if not weeks yet. Guess Mom didn’t want to die while we were there. I guess that happens a lot. The 4 of us met in her room after receiving the call about her passing to say our final goodbyes and stayed there together until about 5:30 talking reminiscing and even reconnecting. I think my mom facilitated healing between us in her passing and days leading up. I’m in a better place with all my sisters than I have ever been. We have to go to the funeral home to make arrangements today. I have been resting since home from hospital but can’t sleep. I’m sad but not nearly as devastated as I thought I’d be. I’m guessing this will ebb and flow a lot in the coming days, weeks, months too. I am at peace that she’s whole again in heaven with my dad, my sister who passed before us, and her parents, and she’s no longer suffering from a broken brain. And I can finally go back to being just her loving daughter holding my mom dearly in my heart and memories. Love you Mom!💕

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your mom. I’m very glad you had that time with her on friday when she came back to you, even briefly, for the love and smiles. It’s wonderful the gifts your mom gave to you and your sisters with connecting again. She’s smiling. This is a terribly difficult journey you’ve all been on. Please take good care of yourself. Take your time and know you’re not alone. Sending thoughts of peace and comfort your way.