How do we tell Dad that Mom is selling their home?

Oldestof3girls

My father has some form of dementia resulting in short term memory loss. We first noticed the undeniable signs in early 2020. He has refused any and all attempts to diagnose or assess his cognitive condition. He’s an intimidating man and has always bullied his way through life and this situation is no different. He hasn’t worked in 3 years.


Memory lapses and confusion, led to the ruin of his 2 companies and he made questionable financial decisions that have left he and my mother in personal financial
distress. He thinks he is still going to work and earning the same income he did in his early years. And he shuts down any talk of his declining memory by getting loud and aggressive. On top of that, my mother was diagnosed with a rare pituitary disease that has hospitalized her on several occasions. Her health is on a rapid decline. They need to change their circumstances to afford proper health care costs in their near future and to financially recover from his mistakes.

My sister wants my parents to move from Miami, Fl to Boise, ID to be near her. I’m fine with that, as I recognize they need to have help and support nearby. My mother put their house up for sale 2 weeks ago without my father’s knowledge. She has POA. To date, he has not caught on to the fact that they are showing the house to potential buyers but I feel sick about the dishonesty. He has said repeatedly, when the topic has been brought up, that he is not moving out of his house. When and how do we break the news to him that he has to pack up and leave when the sale goes through? How do you force a grown adult to leave their beloved home and get on a plane to a place they had no choice about going to? I’m afraid for my mother and I’m concerned about his reaction to
learning of the deception. BUT, I know telling him now will only ensure that we have to tell him again later because he won’t recall the news. What would you do?

loveskitties

Would your father be up for a "visit" to your sister in ID? If so, I would arrange the visit soonest and get him out of state for when sale goes through. Remote settlement on the house can be arranged with the agent so mother does not have to go back for that.

Of course that leaves the contents of the house to be dealt with. There are options if finances permit...a packing service with a POD might be good choice...they could hold and then deliver to ID.

Still doesn't get you past the when/how to tell him. Telling him before hand might cause more difficulties...if he should remember and cause difficulties with prospective buyers.

Quilting brings calm

You don’t tell him. You do as the above poster says and arrange for a visit to the new location. The visit is open ended and they therefore need a place to stay. He doesn’t need to know the house was sold ever. When the furniture arrives, he probably won’t recognize it as theirs anyway.

Iris L.

Be aware that he has anosognosia and so is unaware that he has cognitive and memory difficulties. Whenever you confront or challenge him, he will get upset. This is normal. So you have to use work-arounds. The above suggestion is great. Make whatever work-around you use not be about his memory or his inability to handle anything, make it about something external to him. Don't think of this as deception, but as what you have to do.

Iris

Oldestof3girls

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/172833#Comment_172833

Thank you for your input. I’ve been pushing for my mom & dad to either “take a trip” to visit me in TN or go out to ID to be with my sister while the house is on the market. It seems like the most logical thing to me, but I continue to be put on pause for a host of reasons. I understand that mom’s poor health is a big factor for her. She really is overwhelmed by it all. I just need to convince her that getting out of their home prior to the final sale is best for them both. It will be a monumental feat for certain.

Oldestof3girls

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/172835#Comment_172835

Thank you….I had to do a little research on Anosognosia, as I’ve never heard the term before. I’m learning so much from this forum. I appreciate your response and your encouragement. I think we can come up with some viable work-arounds if we can all get on the same page. That will be the real test.

Oldestof3girls

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/172834#Comment_172834

You may be right, but I’m having a hard time getting there. His memory is only affected with past events so he’s able to carry on a conversation in the moment and is so so good at masking the problem. It makes it very difficult to call him out or to tell him point blank that he’s full of bologna. I’m probably too concerned about hurting his ego or stomping on his heart to say what needs to be said.

I will say that I agree with you that it’s okay to leave it open ended. They should take an extended trip out west. The next big obstacle is getting him to agree to go. Thus far, he’s refused any and all travel plans because the thought of leaving his surroundings causes extreme anxiety. So wish us luck. TY

Iris L.

You do not call him out or tell him he's full of bologna--this is where you come up with the work-arounds.

Iris

harshedbuzz

Hello and welcome. I am sorry for your need to be here, but glad you found this place. You need it. Man-oh-man, do you need it.

I have pretty much been where you find yourself right now. The aggressive bully who fought evaluation, symptoms that included life-changing money mis-management while the spouse refused to pump the breaks, the staging and sale of 2 homes (behind his back) he was never going to leave while maintaining excellent speech and the ability to "showtime". IME, dementia is about so much more that lost memories-- there are losses in social filters, executive function skills, the ability to follow reason, empathy. BTW, memory loss is generally LIFO-- it's not unusual for PWD to recall facts and events from years past while forgetting what they had for breakfast. My dad tried to leverage this trait as proof he was "ok".

Honesty is over-rated. There comes a time in Dementia-land where the answer is always what allows you to act in the PWD's/family's best interests or whatever will bring the most comfort.

Ideally you need him diagnosed. I wanted my dad evaluated for almost a decade before I could make it happen. My mom refused to take the steps needed to make that happen. Ideally, she would have contacted their PCP to run some bloodwork and imaging to at least rule out other-- potentially treatable/reversible conditions that mimic dementia. Many of us have contacted the PCP behind our LO's backs to share our concerns via a note or letter ahead of an appointment for something else. You can always ask for a neurology consult if he's in the hospital for some other reason. Sadly, my dad did have a vitamin deficiency that was treatable, and he did improve some but not as much as if it had been identified earlier.

My mom did not cooperate with me wanting dad evaluated initially, so I crafted a plan B should dad become my responsibility. You and your sisters should have a Plan B in case mom isn't available to be his primary caregiver.

My dad was eventually diagnosed as a result of a psychotic episode. I had my mom get him in the car and drive him 3 hours north to the ER affiliated with my Plan B memory center. He was given a quick assessment, started on IV vitamin supplementation and admitted for more tests. On discharge, he went to a SNF/rehab for 6 weeks. During that stay, my mom decided to move them near me-- she'd nearly died the winter before while they were at their place in FL because dad was unable to recognize how sick she was or get her help.

Moving them meant selling 2 homes-- packing, staging, repairs, and shipping cars. Mom and I found a nice 55+ apartment and set it up while I oversaw the sale of the place at the beach and arranged a seasonal rental of the place in FL. Mom looked after dad and I took care of everything else. I would strongly encourage you to move them first and then sell the house. I moved dad into the apartment from the SNF. A few months later mom decided she "needed" a house, so I found one and moved them into it while they were at a nice hotel for the weekend. If they're headed to Boise, move them and then clean up behind them.

Telling dad he's moving isn't honest. It's cruel. It's a decision being made on his behalf that he no longer has a say in nor the bandwidth to understand. My mother told dad she'd sold the beach house which only resulted in anger, credible threats to her safety and an increase in his Seroquel. In your shoes, I would present the move to ID as temporary. Maybe he's staying to help out or for mom to see a special doctor there.

These two links might be useful to you.

Understanding the Dementia Experience (smashwords.com)

and

FAST Scale and 7 Stages of Dementia (elderguru.com)

HB

Oldestof3girls

Oh wow. Our experiences are so very similar. Thank you for the thoughtful reply. You’ve given me some good ideas here. My mother IS very ill and isn’t getting the right kind of care for her disease in FL. In fact, she spent all day Saturday in the ER with my dad sitting beside her and he honestly just thought nothing of it. She can’t count on him to recognize when she takes a turn for the worse and needs emergency care. It’s a fantastic plan to tell him they need to go to ID for new doctors for mom. He’ll fight it and insist on staying behind in FL but I think we have a decent chance at getting him to leave “ for her health”.

His PCP ordered a neurology consult and MRI two years ago, but when we took him to the appointment, he threw a fit, caused a huge scene and walked out. My mom was traumatized after that incident and has not pushed it since. She says she’s waiting for a catastrophic incident to occur which will allow for intervention. To date, no such event has happened and he’s been given an excellent bill of health by his PCP. His speech remains in tact, as well as his penchant for “showtiming”. It’s utterly frustrating.

I really appreciate your post. Many thanks!