Behavior changes

ShellyV · June 2023

Hello!

I'm new to this group and am glad to have others to give me advice. My 77 YO mom has middle-stage Alzheimer's and has been showing some new behaviors that I don't know how to handle. She has been getting angry/agitated very quickly when she realizes there is something she didn't remember. She claims that nobody told her, which is usually directed towards me. I spend the most time with mom and I get the majority of the abuse. I know that this is normal, but I don't know how to respond to her when she does this.

She is aware that her memory is getting worse. I try to use the phrases like "I'm sorry this is happening to you, I can't imagine what you are going through", and "I'm sorry you are upset". She still comes back with stating nobody told her. Does anyone have any suggestions for me on how to respond to that? I would greatly appreciate it!

Thank you!

Shelly

vanlinks99 · June 2023

My mom has the ALZ at mid stage. It's been uphill battle be honest, my humble opinion don't argue with her as this does doesn't do any good. I guess let thing slide and put a blind eye is the best.

Fitzey · June 2023

Her anger may also relate to the fear that also presents (especially if she is aware she is loosing memory; cognition, independence) …,
That helps me with not personalizing her reactions; (at times harsh or devastating); and then I have a bit more in responding to her distress.

I just now joined this group and resonate with your experience shared here.

Azinn · June 2023

My sister and I are experiencing the same thing with our mother and I don't know if there really is a solution besides not arguing with her or telling her she's wrong, that only seems to make someone with Alzheimer's more agitated. Just tonight, we were going through what I like to call her "mental loops" where no matter how many I tell her an answer, she asks the same question over and over again. She's been hung up on the same topic since this past weekend and it is really challenging. Tonight when her response was that my sister and I never told her something I just responded with "ok, if you say so" in a very calm tone and left it at that. I also informed her that I would not longer be participating in the conversation, she could still talk but I wouldn't. I wish there were definitive steps that could be taken with good results but with Alzheimer's, it's basically just try the best you can and make sure to take time for yourself to decompress.

harshedbuzz · June 2023

Hi @ShellyV . Welcome. I am sorry for your need to be here but happy you found this place.

It's best to validate her feelings but leave out any reference to her condition. My father was a challenging personality before dementia. With dementia he became paranoid and suspicious. We never really got along, and I continued to be accused of all manner of conflated malfeasance. I would come here, and vent and the kind folks would tell me it's the disease talking which didn't work with me as I grew up with similar scripts. They also suggested I just apologize which seemed all kinds of crazy.

Around this time dad was stuck in a loop about a missing $350K. He accused me of either stealing it or selling his house on the golf course for less money than it was worth. I later figured out that he'd lost this amount day trading and it rankled him. One day when I was at the end of my tether and being subjected to another threatening diatribe which I was recording to demonstrate that he needed a medication adjustment, I gave the apology tactic a try figuring he might lash out and give me an excuse to call 911 and have him admitted for a psych eval. Only he didn't, he accepted my apology and asked me not to be stupid anymore. And that was it.

In your shoes, I would try a simple apology. There is no reason for you to be "right" in any interaction unless it involves the police. Take the blame without casting aspersions on her cognition in any way. "Oh mom, I am so sorry. I have been so busy, it clearly slipped my mind, and I forgot to mention it".

HB