Another twist in accusations

livlea

Following up my initial post ..see below

Mother accusing me of stealing in her bank account ( ongoing for 8 months) , using her phone number to make long distance calls etc.

she say’s she has proof but there is none.

My younger sister told her it was impossible and was kicked out..

She then told the older sister she wanted an apology from both of us ,she repeated things that my younger sister accused her for : (destroying the family, ruining my life etc. ) ,except my younger sister never said those things , how could she invent all that ?

Why is she playing us one against the other ?

I never did those so called things, how can I apologize?

If we do apologize, will it make it worst ? ( by confirming her delusional beliefs)

I keep on believing, I should stay away ..

Any thoughts?

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/65420/should-i-stay-away-from-her

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harshedbuzz

Wait, what? Are long distance charges even a thing anymore?

It sounds like reasoning, correcting, defending yourself and explaining are triggers for your mom. This is not unusual; the cardinal rule of Dementia Fight Club is Never try to reason with a person who has a broken reasoner. She can't join you in reality, so you need to meet her where she is.

It's hard to say what would happen if you apologized. I never believed it would work with my dad, but when I did it calmed him down a lot.

HB

mommyandme (m&m)

I say take the blame. It doesn’t matter to you really, but it could help her profoundly and might stop her looping thoughts. Something benign like: “I’m so sorry, I’ll never let that happen again”. “Things are so hard, I’m here for you, I’ve got your back”. Empathy, validation and apologies went a long way in my experience. She might not be inventing, it could even be a memory of one of her friends in high school telling her that had happened to them. Who knows. We caregivers have to adjust because our love ones cannot. “Accept and Adjust”.

im so sorry for these trials!

ButterflyWings

This is normal behavior for a PWD. The members are giving you excellent tried and true suggestions to cope with these changes in your mom's brain and behavior. You need to get used to thinking she may as well be saying "blah, blah, blah", and you and your sisters must take charge -- without trying to reason with someone whose reasoner is broken, as stated above.

Think about it this way: those of you who are not losing your mind must act like it. And that means you make the decisions now. Super hard I know. Been there, done that with my DH for the last 4.5 years. And it must be tougher if it is a parent that you have always obeyed basically, even as an adult. But it is kinder and gentler to leave mom out of it as she can't help any more, and as you are seeing -- consulting or updating her just makes it worse. She can't agree with you. Best to work around her disease (and your dear mom), as our forum mates have said.

Just wondering if you got to check her for a silent UTI? It really can cause roller-coaster behavior and just escalates until you get it treated.

And here is an article that may help with some ideas to cope. Good luck to you! Alzheimer's and Hallucinations, Delusions, and Paranoia | National Institute on Aging (nih.gov)

Emily 123

Re: reinforcement--Dementia delusions are different than those related to a psychotic disorder.

Your mom's are occurring because she's losing her capacity to think logically due to her dementia.

Your family knows you didn't steal her money.

What she says is hurtful to you, of course.

But If she wasn't like this before the dementia set in, then this is a result of the disease progressing through her brain. Not her fault, she can't help it. She can't fix it.

ButterflyWings is right that she should be checked for a UTI.

Have you read this? Very helpful, as are the Teepa Snow videos on youtube.

https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/2/understanding-the-dementia-experience/Medium,Arial,Black,White,One-and-a-Half