Newbie - looking for support

L Stevens

Hi, my Mom (88) was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment a few months ago. She is still considered independent in the facility she moved into almost 5 years ago. But she isn’t independent. I manage her meds, finances, and for the last couple months go over 2-3x/week for showers. Otherwise she doesn’t shower.

She is having issues with peeing her pants but not realizing it and continuing to wear them ☹️. When I go over if her pants are wet I have her take them off, clean up and then put new pants on. This is so not like her, she was always so on top of this kind of thing. I have 3 siblings but I live closest so mostly it falls on me. When she had appointments with her geriatrician she tells him she doesn’t have issues.

As of now she isn’t receiving any services. She won’t listen/cooperate with anyone but me. She also isn’t participating in many activities, when invited by people there she always says no. Any suggestions\advice?

Jamie Fren

I’m so sorry for this recent transition.

I remember when my grandmother had gone through this same situation, and there was a lot of shame and embarrassment from her. She wasn’t aware this was occurring, and we would notice it. I had spoke to her primary and asked about solutions, and he had said briefs/disposable underwear was something to consider. This may not be helpful considering your mother may not change or adhere to this either, but it is is a start. I don’t know the rules at the facility she lives in, but maybe seeking someone to watch and assist her while you are away? Or consider a different level facility where she could get some assistance, since it may sound like she is in a transitional phase?

There was some denial for my grandmother when this had started, and I remember she was uncomfortable about me helping care for her. If your mother is aware but embarrassed, supporting her as you have helps. It took time, patience, and acceptance from my grandmother. I had to reassure her everything was going to be alright and there was no need to be ashamed. If your mother is not aware, it may be good to seek resources that can help with this new phase and set of symptoms. I think your mother withdrawing could be from a multitude of reasons, but giving her the support and love you have will go a long way. It’s hard when you feel at a loss, and you can’t recognize yourself.

This must be very difficult for the both of you, I am sorry this is happening. Sending you love and prayers.

M1

Hi L Stevens and welcome. Sounds to me like its time for a frank sitdown with management. She likely is ready for memory care, it's not uncommon for those with advancing dementia to be shunned by others in AL as their disease progresses, and she may benefit from activities that are more at her level in addition to more hands on care support. Sounds like she needs incontinence briefs, too. From other threads I've learned that the way to do that is simply to remove all other underwear.

Keep us posted how she does, these transitions are not easy.