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BMacNeill

Hi everyone,
My name is Barbara, and my husband was diagnosed with ALZ 6 years ago. He is 74 years old, I am 72 years old, and we have been married for 52 years. I met him when I was 14 yrs old. One of the main reasons our marriage has lasted so long is her is the funniest person I've ever met. He's also very stubborn and vain. He started having seizures in Feb. and has had 2 more since. Each time he has a seizure he seems to fail a little more. He is still physically better off than I am but will not shower/shave regularly without a fight. I'm not unaware of this disease because my husband's parents died of ALZ and his young sister is being cared for by her daughter. I'm scared of what I'm facing and can't imagine him accepting anyone helping him. It's a battle even with me. I hope to get some ideas, support and just discussing my own battles with this.
Thank you,
Barbara

Ed1937

Barbara, welcome to the forum. Sorry you have a reason to be here. But it is a great place to vent, share ideas, ask for help and suggestions, and talk to people who get it.

My wife and I also had a solid and long marriage. We were married 64 1/2 years when she passed last year. This happened after only 3 weeks in memory care. She did not want me to help her in the bathroom, but when she went into MC, she was much more willing to let people do what had to be done. Others have found that to be true with their LOs also.

You will make it through this disease, and we are going to help you. We have a lot of good people here, willing to do what they can. People here support one another, and we care for each other. So post away about anything that concerns you. You will get a lot of support.

gampiano

Hi Barbara,

I'm still a newbie here. I finally began posting after going to the discussions as an observer, and am so glad that i joined. The information and resources , as well as the empathy are so important for all of us.

My husband has ALZ, was diagnosed 3 years ago, but was showing signs at least three years before that. He is eighty, I'm 76. He is generally compliant, but has a stubborn side that pops up out of nowhere, usually when we're changing clothes, underwear, etc. when this occurs at the end of a very long day, I find it extremely difficult to hold my temper, but the moment usually resolves itself. There have been a few times when i just give up and let him have his way. We're not perfect, and Ive learned to let things go by reading about the experiences of others here.

We tried day care for a few months, but it was a struggle. He can't tolerate noise, although he does like some music, and he isn't sociable in a group. I, too was worried about how he would respond to a care giver, but i gave it a try, and found a lovely young woman with experience in memory care. I can only afford to have her 2 Sundays a month, but she stays for 6 hours each time. Because the hours are 12:00 to 6:00, there is very little personal care involved, and my DH actually is pleasant when she arrives. My advice would be to search for someone with dementia care experience and give yourself a break. It makes a world of difference for me.

Maureen

SDianeL

Read the book "The 36 Hour Day" it gives tips on how to get them to do tasks. It says they don't shower because the process is overwhelming. Too many steps and things to remember. It's not a simple task. And they forget how long it's been since they last showered. I got my DH who has dementia to shower 2 days a week when we go get him a newspaper. He remembers those days and I remind him of his promise. I go get his shower ready, towel, wash cloth, body wash, deodorant, razor, step stool & bath seat. We have a tub shower combo and installed a hand shower wand. If he says he doesn't feel like a shower that day, I say OK but you need one tomorrow. That seems to work. Arguing doesn't. It's not that they are stubborn. It's just overwhelming and they forget. That book helped many people on this forum. If you search on this website there are other tips you can read.

Jeanne C.

Welcome Barbara. The shower is a struggle for a lot of us. What works for us is I handle things out of his sight (get towel out while he's occupied, set the water while he's undressing, set out his clothes while he's in the shower, etc.). I think because he doesn't see me doing it, he doesn't feel like I'm babying him (just a theory). I basically coach him through each step so it's not overwhelming to him. It's a challenge to balance the help he needs with the independence he wants. I know this won't work forever. And if he really balks at getting the shower, I let it go. On average I get him to shower 2 or 3 times a week and that's good enough. Dental care is also a chore but usually I can get him to brush by standing next to him and brushing too.

Gina Thomas10260

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/178182#Comment_178182

Gina Thomas10260

OMG! No one except those of us on this website or who deal with Alzheimer’s people understand how much your ideas have helped me. My husband can still walk, and we are only 63 years old! He’s had Alz around seven years and once again, he denied it, and I knew it already. He refused to go to the doctor so two and a half years ago, he was diagnosed, only From much cajoling from one of his best friends. I knew by the haze over his lies that there was something wrong with my husband of 46 years. We were high school sweethearts, and he is the only man that has ever understood, and accepted me for who i am he is my best friend. So seeing him so upset about taking a shower is heartbreaking. But I will try the suggestions, they should have been something I thought about but also something you are right about is he does not want me to see him without his clothes on and that is strange for a 46 year marriage. Lol however, I also do not want to take away his pride and integrity. But thinking about taking a shower having too many tasks involved never came to my mind. He tells me sometimes when I ask him to do something or try to help him do something, he says “that’s too much. I can’t remember it all.”Thank you for making me realize what he meant! Now I can try the method of helping him step-by-step, and not getting upset and impatient with him. Here he was trying to communicate to me what I needed to do and I had no idea that’s what I should do! My expectations sometimes are above his level of his current brain power. Thank you thank you thank you.

toolbeltexpert

Barbara welcome to the forum you are facing some of the battles caregivers face. Showering is a common theme here, my dw is in mc and they often report that they tried to get her to shower with no results. Even this last week she got 1 better than none..

You have received some great ideas and keep posting, rant and ramble we all get it.

Elshack

Before I had to put my DH in memory care it was a battle to shower him more than 1 x a week. What helped was to get everything ready and you set the temp. If you have a hand held shower spray use that as often the person feels as if they are drowning with the force of water. Give him step by step directions re: what to do...ex: now soap up your arms and chest and I'll spray them with the water etc. If he likes sweets as most with Alzheimer's do, tell him after the shower he can have ice cream or whatever sweet he likes. I found that he enjoyed being towled off with a towel that I had just put in the drier for a few minutes. That felt warm and cozy to him. Hope these hints help.

Jo C.

Hello Barbara and a very warm welcome to you. Ed is so right; this is the place to be understood, supported and we do care about one another - we are here for you too. My DH and I also met at age 14, were high school sweethearts, eloped after graduation and here we are decades later.

That showering issue is quite common. If one can get two to three showers a week, that can be a huge win; sometimes it is a shower once a week. Others will not shower at all no matter what technique is used, but then one gets those pre-moistened towels to heat in the microwave. One sits the Loved One (LO) in a nicely prepared bathroom covered in a large towel and uncover and do one body part at a time. If hair washing in the shower is a fight; sometimes having them do a shampoo bending over the kitchen sink while holding a towel over their face succeeds. Some LOs cannot tolerate the shower wand on their head or water in their face.

Gina; where your husband does not want to be seen naked, some Members here have their LO wear an item depending on where the embarrassment is. Sometimes it is a large t-shirt for the top (especially for women), or a pair of boxer shorts or swim trunks for a male Not perfect, but it still gets things reasonably clean. Sometimes having a bidet helps for the private areas if a LO will accept that sort of washlet.

I am waiting for that science fiction movie method to come into reality - the person simply walks through a small area with a special light and all is clean from head to toe and all crevices and not even wet! As if. Can you imagine - even no need for a shampoo. Sigh.

J.

BMacNeill

Thank you everyone for your great ideas. I actually got LO to shower today. Next time I will try setting everything up for him before. I need to stop worrying that LO may get angry with me because he usually forgets within the hour. I have no idea what stage my LO is in and can't really get any information from his neurologist. How did you all find out? I will go to the library today and see if I can find "The 36 Hour Day" or will order it. I am just learning how to use the discussion group and couldn't log in the other day, but I will get better at it. This is so comforting! I can't think of another word to describe it.

Madison

The 36 Hour Day is very helpful. Just joined this forum. I made the decision to place my husband in an assisted living facility this week. I can't deal with it any more at home. Waiting for a bed. Pray it won't be long. He has conversations with imaginary people. He tells me about them. Sometime he insists on going out to see a non-existent cousin who is dying. Gets very belligerent. Hard to talk him down. I am drowning. Please pray a bed comes through soon. He is only 73. We've been together since I was 16. I'm still working part time which is my saving grace.

BMacNeill

Hi Madison. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I just joined this week too. Your story is very similar to mine, and I understand how your part time job is a life saver. I'm holding on to mine as long as I can or as long as they'll keep me. I understand how you feel, it is like drowning. It helps me to take a quick walk around the block just to clear my head. I send you a hug and hope everything falls into place for you both.

ButterflyWings

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/178382#Comment_178382

Madison, I wonder if AL is the right placement for your DH? It sounds like MC or Memory Care may be more appropriate so he gets the level of supervision and caregiving that it sounds like he needs at this point. I always wonder if there may be a silent UTI at play when behaviors seem suddenly off the charts. Worth checking out so he can get treated if necessary, even as you wait for the placement option to fall into place.

ButterflyWings

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/178380#Comment_178380

Staging is a fine art lol. DH's docs have usually asked me where he seems to be on the stages scale, and then we compare notes. As primary caregiver, you may observe a mix and match, with several things from more than 1 stage at a time. But you will know best, by seeing where your LO has the most behaviors on the checklist. I have found the FAST scale very helpful and clear, as it breaks things down in more detail so I could kind of track my DH's progression to the next level though the timeline is not really a match for us, the behaviors and stages have been an accurate roadmap more or less.

I also like the Tamms Cummings scale posted below. To the original point of this post, bathing resistance shows up (I think in stage 6? But at our house DH started refusing in Stage 4). Microsoft Word - DBATv1.docx (wsimg.com)

emily

Thank you for your comments. I too am caring for my husband of 52 years. He is showering ok but has just started the tissue shredding. Sometimes I am just at the end of my rope. It is all so exhausting every day.
He doesn’t think anything is wrong with him.
He has also had heart disease, prostate cancer, and glaucoma. This blog does help though, thanks

annewilder

My husband spent 11 days in a rehab hospital he had been falling. often. I learned so much from the staff there. Mostly I realized that I am a talkative person. I have to give him instructions one step at a time.."put hands on chair arms"..."push up"...."stand"..."take walker" ..."step to me"..... I was saying "Now stand up and we're going to the bathroom to brush your teeth"....That was WAY TOO MANY words!!! I need all your support here ....thank you, friends. Anne