I have just joined today!

Hi Barbara,

I'm still a newbie here. I finally began posting after going to the discussions as an observer, and am so glad that i joined. The information and resources , as well as the empathy are so important for all of us.

My husband has ALZ, was diagnosed 3 years ago, but was showing signs at least three years before that. He is eighty, I'm 76. He is generally compliant, but has a stubborn side that pops up out of nowhere, usually when we're changing clothes, underwear, etc. when this occurs at the end of a very long day, I find it extremely difficult to hold my temper, but the moment usually resolves itself. There have been a few times when i just give up and let him have his way. We're not perfect, and Ive learned to let things go by reading about the experiences of others here.

We tried day care for a few months, but it was a struggle. He can't tolerate noise, although he does like some music, and he isn't sociable in a group. I, too was worried about how he would respond to a care giver, but i gave it a try, and found a lovely young woman with experience in memory care. I can only afford to have her 2 Sundays a month, but she stays for 6 hours each time. Because the hours are 12:00 to 6:00, there is very little personal care involved, and my DH actually is pleasant when she arrives. My advice would be to search for someone with dementia care experience and give yourself a break. It makes a world of difference for me.

Maureen

Welcome Barbara. The shower is a struggle for a lot of us. What works for us is I handle things out of his sight (get towel out while he's occupied, set the water while he's undressing, set out his clothes while he's in the shower, etc.). I think because he doesn't see me doing it, he doesn't feel like I'm babying him (just a theory). I basically coach him through each step so it's not overwhelming to him. It's a challenge to balance the help he needs with the independence he wants. I know this won't work forever. And if he really balks at getting the shower, I let it go. On average I get him to shower 2 or 3 times a week and that's good enough. Dental care is also a chore but usually I can get him to brush by standing next to him and brushing too.

OMG! No one except those of us on this website or who deal with Alzheimer’s people understand how much your ideas have helped me. My husband can still walk, and we are only 63 years old! He’s had Alz around seven years and once again, he denied it, and I knew it already. He refused to go to the doctor so two and a half years ago, he was diagnosed, only From much cajoling from one of his best friends. I knew by the haze over his lies that there was something wrong with my husband of 46 years. We were high school sweethearts, and he is the only man that has ever understood, and accepted me for who i am he is my best friend. So seeing him so upset about taking a shower is heartbreaking. But I will try the suggestions, they should have been something I thought about but also something you are right about is he does not want me to see him without his clothes on and that is strange for a 46 year marriage. Lol however, I also do not want to take away his pride and integrity. But thinking about taking a shower having too many tasks involved never came to my mind. He tells me sometimes when I ask him to do something or try to help him do something, he says “that’s too much. I can’t remember it all.”Thank you for making me realize what he meant! Now I can try the method of helping him step-by-step, and not getting upset and impatient with him. Here he was trying to communicate to me what I needed to do and I had no idea that’s what I should do! My expectations sometimes are above his level of his current brain power. Thank you thank you thank you.

Before I had to put my DH in memory care it was a battle to shower him more than 1 x a week. What helped was to get everything ready and you set the temp. If you have a hand held shower spray use that as often the person feels as if they are drowning with the force of water. Give him step by step directions re: what to do...ex: now soap up your arms and chest and I'll spray them with the water etc. If he likes sweets as most with Alzheimer's do, tell him after the shower he can have ice cream or whatever sweet he likes. I found that he enjoyed being towled off with a towel that I had just put in the drier for a few minutes. That felt warm and cozy to him. Hope these hints help.

Staging is a fine art lol. DH's docs have usually asked me where he seems to be on the stages scale, and then we compare notes. As primary caregiver, you may observe a mix and match, with several things from more than 1 stage at a time. But you will know best, by seeing where your LO has the most behaviors on the checklist. I have found the FAST scale very helpful and clear, as it breaks things down in more detail so I could kind of track my DH's progression to the next level though the timeline is not really a match for us, the behaviors and stages have been an accurate roadmap more or less.

I also like the Tamms Cummings scale posted below. To the original point of this post, bathing resistance shows up (I think in stage 6? But at our house DH started refusing in Stage 4). Microsoft Word - DBATv1.docx (wsimg.com)

My husband spent 11 days in a rehab hospital he had been falling. often. I learned so much from the staff there. Mostly I realized that I am a talkative person. I have to give him instructions one step at a time.."put hands on chair arms"..."push up"...."stand"..."take walker" ..."step to me"..... I was saying "Now stand up and we're going to the bathroom to brush your teeth"....That was WAY TOO MANY words!!! I need all your support here ....thank you, friends. Anne