Discovered Husband with Alzheimer’s had an affair
Hi and I’m wondering if anyone else has been in this situation…..I’ve been married (I thought happily and in a loyal marriage) until recently. My husband was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s in Sept 22 aged 54 and the neurologist indicated he’d had it for 4-5 years previously. (There were definitely some warning signs and worries but covid lockdowns made it hard to know for sure at that time). I discovered him recently sending loving texts to a woman and looked deeper into it, discovering emails which indicated further this had been an affair 3-4 years ago, just before covid. I asked him 2 weeks ago and he told me this truth - yes he’d had a relationship with this woman. It is so out of his character - he says he has no idea why he did and it’s not something he’d ever imagined he’d do as he’s always been a safe, reliable and loyal person who loves his family. Has anyone who has a partner with dementia experienced something similar? This is something totally out of character. I am so hurt and angry but somehow want to attribute some of this to his Alzheimer’s???! The problem now is I’m totally trapped, I can’t leave him as that would be so heartless as he needs me, I never want my children to know as it would upset them and they are
already dealing with his Alzheimer’s decline, yet I wish I could leave and start afresh. So …any similar situations?!
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Welcome sr. PWDs do things, they don't know why they're doing them. He has had dementia for five years. Do the emails make sense, or was he rambling? Was there any response? I would take all of this with a grain of salt, because PWDs confabulate, meaning make things up in their minds. I know this is disheartening to learn, but this is what dementia means--loss of sense of reality and loss of sense altogether. Iris
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Hi and thanks for your message. The emails were basically the proof it had happened when I began digging - a hotel room, roses and gifts. He seemed ok at that point as it was 2019/beg 2020 and the symptoms I noticed began after that. It’s hard as I’m not going to walk away now, he needs me and it would shatter my kids even more than they are suffering now with his diagnosis and condition. I can just tell myself that this stage of my life isn’t forever (I’m early 50’s) and one day I will find happiness again.
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I'm sorry this has happened to you! And to your children, too! Learn from the other members what to do.
Iris
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No personal experience with this situation.
You sound as if you would leave if it weren't for Alzheimer's diagnosis. I suggest that you get a counselor...not a marriage counselor, but some one you can open up your feelings to. As your husband declines your feelings may impact your desire to care for him if you are already feeling trapped.
You need to be prepared as his mental abilities decline that you may be called by this other person's name or he may have "memories" that he shares about the two of them together.
Regardless of the "cause" of this outside relationship, you have to settle in your own mind and heart that you are in for the long haul, particularly since you don't want to share this with your children.
Unlike a relationship with a mentally sound person, you will never be able to resolve the "why" of the past since you can't be sure of the validity of what he tells you.
Only your mind and heart can help you weather the future.
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Sr70- I am so sorry for the shock and hurt you are feeling. All the advice above is very good. Please concentrate on you right now, and for the immediate future I would start by applying all the above suggestions. Then do not beat yourself up as the Dr. said and we know, the brain changes begin long before behaviors are obvious. Also know that talking and reasoning with him is not realistic anymore. Not on any topic, including being unfaithful and any assurances of no contact with the person anymore, etc. That's a tough one if the person is still contacting him because PWDs can't make plans or promises to you that something is over, or that he won't reply to emails, etc. He really can't be reliable though he may want to.
I did not have this experience but can see how it could very easily have happened if the opportunity had presented itself to my husband. DH's judgment was WAY off, and we were not seeing eye to eye on lots of seemingly unexplained things. There were some days before we began looking for answers to his growing memory issues, that seemed like it might be the beginning of the end for our love story and we had no idea the uncharacteristic tension and distance, disagreements and all were related to the forgetfulness. He even thought maybe I was seeing someone else at one point (what? when?! how?! why?!) because like Iris said, the disease is a trickster and thinking is just off. Way off. And the behavior follows.
The confabulation or embellishing is really a thing too. It can even make an experience or encounter seem like more than it was, (including totally made-up stories or mixing some facts with others including TV shows or others' actual experiences). Though what you have found seems like solid evidence there was some fooling around. Be aware there are many types of predators and users out there, who will take advantage when they notice someone is impaired or just easily misled. "Borrowing" money, accepting extravagant gifts, possessions, etc.
I agree you will want to get your financial and DPOA documents in place now, since he still has phone, text and email access to interact with scammers as well as just unscrupulous acquaintances. Maybe the 24/7 1-800# for Alz Assoc care counselors can connect you with counseling resources in your area for you to discuss without him -- what your options are as you face the future and an unpredictable disease process unfolds.
Again, I am sorry for the double whammy. Nothing about this stinking disease is fair or easy. Hugs to you.
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If you haven't already seen an attorney about powers of attorney, etc., you need to do so. You could have a first appointment without your husband and discuss what, if anything, to do about the affair too. Be aware you may have to take away his phone to prevent contact, if you care to do that. Or: text her yourself, and ask her not to contact him; if she does and you have power of attorney, it could give you grounds for legal action. I'm sorry. But you may be dealing with a financial predator...you don't know. She could have been after his money? May still be?
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Definitely get the powers of attorney in place. Lock down any access to your credit cards, bank accounts etc. so that he cannot access them. The person could be a predator and he may feel some sense of guilt having to end the relationship and may want to "make up" for that via $. I would also contact her and advise her that your DH has had cognitive impairment for several years and that you are advising her to end communications with your DH or your will seek legal actions. This should scare her in a number of ways.
Just so you know, you are not alone. I had this happen years ago when my son was born (40 years old now) so I really get your anger. I would have left but with a newborn, I stuck it out. The young girl was calling our home and then hanging up when I answered and that is how I found out. I found her number and called her home. The dad answered and said she wasn't home. I talked to him about the situation, and he was extremely upset and promised he would be relaying the message. Never heard from her again. It will make you feel better if you confront her with the situation. You will feel stronger and not a victim, but the conqueror. Had he continued after that, I know I would have left.
This kind of thing rips a relationship in two. It will be very difficult for you to forgive and dedicate your time to caring for your DH; however, I find it has been a test of my faith to forgive and forget and care for him.
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I am so very sorry for the difficult situation in which you find yourself. Dementia plus infidelity is a lot for any one person to process. There's an old saw around this parts that a caregiver must follow the airline safety protocol of putting on their own oxygen mask before assisting others. This is especially applicable in your situation-- you need to put you first. Full stop. Not your husband with dementia and not your children. (Are they adults?) I agree with others who suggest seeking out a therapist to work through this information regarding your marriage and decide on your next steps.
The very early stages of dementia do often include subtle losses around social filters, empathy and executive function (cause and effect basically) that could make it easier for a mid-life flirtation to be acted upon. This would be even more likely for a person with a behavioral variant of FTD. It would be very hard to draw a conclusion in regard to how much personal responsibility he had in this behavior which means this episode of your marriage will probably remain unresolved. This could have implications on your ability to be a compassionate caregiver as his needs increase.
I also agree with the others who suggested seeing a CELA as soon as possible. Is he working?, on disability?, retired? If he is working, you'll want to take steps to get him SSDI before he is let go for cause. A CELA can help with this. The CELA can set up a DPOA for both of you. Since he has had a cognitive shift, your primary agent should be some other adult-- perhaps one of your children or a close friend/sibling of yours.
My own father was not a faithful husband. He'd had a number of flings as well as a few longer-term relationships of which my mom was aware. Their marriage was a series of highs and lows and in the decade leading up to dad's diagnosis in mid-stage mixed dementia, things had been difficult. I know my mom was leaning towards finally leaving him when the feces hit the fan. Having an official diagnosis left her feeling really trapped-- like the option that had always been available to her if things got bad enough was taken from her.
When I took my mom to see a CELA to get her paperwork done, we also discussed divorce as a possibility. The CELA laid out how things would be done-- dad would be assigned guardian ad litem to represent his interests, it would have been about a 50-50 split of assets and she would lose the ability to act on his behalf as I would likely be awarded guardianship. At the end of the day, she decided against divorce, but knowing it was still available to her made her feel less trapped and as if she had made the decision to be his caregiver. She explained her decision was based on 3 things--
She didn't want to "burden" me with his care. Dad and I didn't have the warmest of relationships and I suspect she thought I wouldn't be compassionate.
She didn't want to be judged by people, who perhaps didn't know the backstory or of didn't consider it relevant, for bailing on dad in his reduced circumstances.
And mostly, she didn't want to take the financial hit that divorce would bring. She realized in retrospect that that she'd been a dementia caregiver without knowing for the previous 10 years and figured she could ride it out. Dad had already lost $350K day-trading (please, please, please, take all steps necessary to protect your financial health) and she wasn't willing to lose more. She gambled that he would die before completely impoverishing them as a couple based on his age, stage of dementia and other health issues and she won.
That said, her anger would bubble up from time to time. Early on it was very hard for her to follow best practices of agreeing with his unfounded accusations against her which escalated his anxiety and made him even more aggressive towards her. He went through a phase of accusing her of infidelity (this is very common) and she would round back at him by reminding him he had dementia in the first few months after he was diagnosed, and it became apparent that she'd had to give up her carefree life at the beach each summer and the winter house in Florida and become a fulltime caregiver. She was not a happy camper and while I was fully aware of the backstory, it wasn't pretty. My point is, if you decide to keep this a secret from your children-- I am not one who condones secrets of this nature-- do you have it in you to rise to saint-level behavior is he accuses you of infidelity or confuses you with this other person? Because if your children see the consequences of your pain without an understanding it, they may not be there for you, and you need will need them.
HB
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I am truly sorry for the suffering. You have excellent advice above. If you don't want your children to know about this, I'd suggest doing something I've never advised anyone to do before. Delete this thread before they might somehow see it. Then all evidence of it will be gone.
I know this is like someone sticking a knife in your back, and I wish it weren't so hurtful.
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SR70- How old are your children, and do they have any interaction with their dad? If adults with any direct dealings with him, they may already have some idea of changes in dad's behavior and if not already aware of his indiscretion, it is possible they could learn about it from him or someone else.
Sending you loads of well wishes for clarity and strength to do the next right thing for you, one hour at a time from here on out.
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Were these reciprocal texts and emails between your husband and someone else or were they only from your husband? The reason I ask is that he might be delusional that he is in a relationship with someone else when in reality it is his delusional thinking.
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I commend you for having the courage to decide to care for him. Your statement that “he needs you” and “it would hurt your children”- you have amazing character. You are doing the right thing, even if it’s hard. God will bless you for this.
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I understand the decisions you’ve made. I think you’ve gotten good advice here. What I want you to realize is that you don’t have to be the 24/7 caregiver until his death. You are allowed to decide when you’ve reached your caregiving limit. At some point, your spouse ( and you) might be best served by him moving to an AL or MC. Staff can then assist him 24/7 with you being his advocate.
I’d contact that phone number and tell the person that your spouse is cognitively impaired - and that any further contact from her will result in a call from a lawyer. I would then block her number from your spouse’s phone and texts and delete it from contacts and recent calls. Same with email addresses.
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Thanks for all your comments. My kids are 16 and 20 so still fairly young and knowing this would shatter them. In his defence (although I’m not feeling overly defensive of him at the moment!!!) he was till his symptoms began, an incredibly living and selfless husband who I know would do anything for me (and when I had breast cancer at 30 he was beyond what I could imagine in terms of love and support). Also an incredible and loving, hands on dad. It’s as if his personality traits and character have totally changed. It’s beyond what I ever thought he could and would do. (The girl doesn’t live in the same state so no where near us) Looking back it’s hard to know when, as this affair was 2019 but the neurologist and scans all indicate the condition would have began around 2018/19. It’s still a hard one to accept as i can’t and will never forgive for his infidelity but as I said he can no longer work, drive and progressed from mild in sept 22 to moderate in Feb 23. I will be here for him to ensure he’s ok, but the moment I get to find happiness again elsewhere I will jump at it (and not allow myself to feel guilt).
just to also let you know (and thanks for all the info everyone!) I did POA last year, so all done. Plus I’ve been seeing a psych for about 6 months too. Plus I’ve organised the accounts do he has his own card /account that I control.
thanks everyone for your advice!
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The part of @sr70 post that really matches my situation is "now I’m totally trapped, I can’t leave him as that would be so heartless as he needs me". I don’t think my wife has ever cheated on me, but over a couple of years, before I realized something was medically wrong with her I was thinking more and more about divorce. Her behavior was getting really strange, and I was thinking more and more “do I want to live with this the rest of my life?”. Then she started asking questions like “What’s black pepper” or “What’s Hitler?”
Once I realized something was really abnormal, I then started to realize it went back at least 2 or 3 years. Back to when I started to think about divorce. But, like you wrote, I can’t abandon her now. Even when I’m at my most angry with her, I’m quite close with her family and could never do that to them. We don’t have kids.
Here’s some irony for you. I actually think I’d love it if she had an affair! My biggest problem for the past couple of years is how she has progressively stopped socializing with others, stopped doing anything by herself and wants to be with me 100% of the time. I go to play hockey and she is calling me the moment the ice time is over asking if I’m coming home right away and always has a reason I should not go for a beer after the game.
She is 57 and probably has semantic primary progressive aphasia. Getting a solid diagnosis has been hindered by denial on her part. In spite of the loss of a lot of basic knowledge of the world she is still fairly functional. One of the hardest things right now is she does not want anybody to know. I’ve told all our close friends and family but I am regularly asking myself who to tell next. Like maybe our investments manager…
Good for you for getting the finances under your control. I have not been able to do that yet.
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Gosh I relate to so much if what you’re saying too! I had all those feelings of wondering why our marriage wasn’t as it was, but that was during covid so I put much of it down to that at that time (the affair happened before covid). Now the ‘jigsaw’ makes more sense. Good luck and I hope you (and I) get to happier places in the future
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I just discovered, 5 months ago, that my DH was having a relationship with another woman. I don’t know how far it went, past messages, calls and him giving her gifts, but I was heartbroken. He’s a barber, still able to work a couple of days a week, (because his doctors want him to), so I’m unable to monitor him while he’s there. DH is adamant that he never talked to the woman, even when I replayed her voicemails and showed him the text messages. He truly believes he did nothing wrong and I couldn’t understand that at first, until I talked to a friend who said that her mom with ALZ did the same thing. Somehow, it helped me realize that it was the disease and not my DH.
I spoke to his Geriatric psych dr about my plans to confront the woman & let her know about my DH’s dementia. He said, “Do not tell her that he has dementia, because many of my patients are taken advantage of.”
I chose not to confront her, but I’m still monitoring his phone records and have his work neighbors watching him. He isn’t going to be working much longer, so I’m just focusing on letting the anger go and trying to keep him safe. I, too, felt trapped and hopeless, but remembered my vow of “in sickness and in health.”
This journey is not one that I’d wish upon anybody, but I’m glad to not be traveling alone. I feel blessed to have found this forum. Gratitude always chases away my hopelessness. 🙏🏻
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Thanks for sharing. It’s particularly hard as this affair was before I was aware that his Alz was ‘bubbling’ away below the surface. And that specific period when it happened was one where I thought, was really happy for us - we’d celebrated our 25th anniversary, went on 2 beautiful trips away and just it seemed good. (It had never not been good). So the thought of him being with someone else both emotionally and physically makes me feel sick and I’m yet to ‘find peace’ with it. I won’t and will never make him feel guilty every day, I will stay and continue to look after him for his and the kids sakes, but it was hard enough at this point in his Alz to see my relationship with him beyond a carer one, and this has now pretty much sealed it. I saw that he was looking at porn sites on his phone and I suppose I’ll just accept that it’s providing a need where I can’t anymore.
x
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sr70, I disagree with your letting him access porn sites. it could easily go from there to child porn or god knows what, and you could be up a creek legally in more ways than one. You need to limit his internet access, period.
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I also found porn on his phone, before his diagnosis. It was shocking because we were both on the praise & worship team at church & it was so out of character. 😂
His doctor said to be on the lookout for more odd things and I said, “I don’t think I can take much more than porn and another woman!” DH has ALZ, FTD and VD, so I probably haven’t seen anything yet. Lol I have to laugh to keep from crying.
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I agree that if we can’t laugh, we would literally be crying .
i’m interested to know if anyone is in a similar age bracket to me and my OH (he’s 55 and I’m early 50’s). Not that it changes the situation and issues we are facing, just we’ve been told early onset is a faster progression and I’m wondering what others have experienced in their timeframes (although I realise everyone is different) thanks x
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I have never commented on any post, but this is very real to me. I am sorry I won't really be very helpful about how you feel or what you can do, other then maybe you will know you are not alone. My wife had a long-term affair that I thought ended in 2010. I wanted to try and work it out, so we stayed together, and I didn't tell any of our four adult kids or anyone else. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2015 and then in 2017 I found out that she had still been seeing this guy. I felt trapped at that time because I had not told anyone about her past and knew if I didn't take care of her it would be put on our kids. It has been hard to live with and care for someone that didn't stay faithful and apparently didn't care enough about me, but really hard part is that she has started accusing me of having an affair with our 18-year-old granddaughter. My wife has not said anything to our granddaughter, but I am very uncomfortable any time anyone is around not knowing if and when she will. My wife has not only taken my love and discarded it but now is affecting my relationship with our kids and grandkids. I want to ask her why she thinks that, but don't think she would know. I feel like it is her own guilty conscience that wants to make her feel better by making me the bad guy.
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BPS, I have not been in your situation. But I read a lot on this forum and it is very common for PWD to accuse their spouse of infidelity. No one knows why but it’s one of those common symptoms like not wanting to take a shower. I don’t know if you have told your family about your DW’s diagnosis but if you have, you might want to also let them know that she is having this very common issue for PWD to accuse their spouse of infidelity. And let them know that she thinks it involves your granddaughter. Do a search on this forum and see how often it happens. Print out one of the threads to show your family if you think they will doubt you. Then if and when one of your family hears your DW make the accusation, they will know it’s the disease and not reality.
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I agree with M1. PWDs lose their social filters and may do all sorts of outlandish things. It is up to family members to protect from serious harm. If the dementia is FTD, that presents differently from Alzheimer's Disease.
Iris
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@sr70 said: I saw that he was looking at porn sites on his phone and I suppose I’ll just accept that it’s providing a need where I can’t anymore.
I would shut this down if only to protect your children. There are federal and state law enforcement teams monitoring traffic at porn sites. If he lands in a place that features children or trafficked individuals, your IP address could be tracked down and you could have a visit from law enforcement which will likely question your children as the logical suspects well as your spouse. Their phones and laptops may be confiscated to be searched. If either of the kids has something questionable on their devices-- an intimate picture from a friend, say, they could get caught in the net inadvertently. You may need to take away the phone and change the Wi-Fi and any laptop passwords to prevent access.
I would reach out to a geripsych for medication. Some folks find the SSRIs dampen sexual behavior for the LO who is acting out sexually. It didn't help my dad's inappropriate sexual talk at all but he was already undergoing androgen deprivation therapy and had already had all the testosterone flushed from his system.
I am sorry you are living this. Truly.
HB
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Please re-read the post above from HB. This is one of the most important things about dementia. FWIW, my wife of more than 64 years said to me "I probably shouldn't say this, but how is your girlfriend?" In all that time I was never unfaithful to her. It is simply part of the disease. She even talked to our kids about my alleged affair. They assured her that I didn't even have time for an affair. I think she still had questions about my fidelity until she died.
In another thread some time ago, I mentioned that many people, when they get together, might share a hug or kiss on the cheek. Even if this is your son or daughter, please don't do that in front of the PWD. They might not remember it was your son/daughter, but they might remember it happening, and that could give them reason for doubt.
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Dear sr70. Such a terrible blow! You may never feel that same security. HOWEVER, I have to say that my DH became so emotionally and verbally abusive for 3 years that I was planning to leave, at the urging of my kids. THEN It became crystal clear that he had been developing VD for at least 5 years and his terrible behavior was what is called a 'personality change' as part of the Dementia Process.
In the end, when I told him I was leaving him, he cried! He didn't want to be left behind, and so he moved with me. Within weeks, literally, that terrible personality change evaporated. Now he is MY caretaker (I'm severely, progressively disabled) and he's kind and attentive.
He is however continuing the decline which has been about 8-9 years in process. A brilliant research scientist, multi-talented Renaissance man, is losing more each day. Fortunately our move was to a retirement community. We are currently in Independent Living, but there is also Assisted living and Memory Care and the staff are amazingly knowledgable and kind. The road ahead is going to be rocky for both of us.
I can't compare our situations of course, and 'affairs'' hurt beyond belief. But your DH hasn't been the man he was for so many years, and now it's all in the past, I assume.
I suggest counseling, where you can explore your hurt and anger.
Best Wishes, Elaine
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@sr70 we are also close to your age.
I am now 50 and my husband is 63. And we have 4 sons: 43, 41, 26, and 15 years old. He was diagnosed 2 years ago while he was in advanced stages. He couldn't even tell me what town we were in when we went to Emergency Room for his memory problem. He also has early onset, but the doctor is concerned that it may be Semantic. With Semantic, you have about 4 years to live. It's very difficult right now because I have to work for about 12 more years and he is on disability now. It's getting worse. I think he is now in Stage 6 and I'll have to put him in a nursing home sooner than later...... I find he gets very angry and agitated in 2.2 seconds for no reason. Oh well......
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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