Anger issues

pretzellover

Will I have to tiptoe around my conversations for a long time so my husband doesn't have a meltdown? He told me recently that he has to walk on eggshells so he doesn't make me mad. What?!? I should have been the one saying that. What stage is this? Does he put himself in my shoes? Is there anyone out there going through this?

Chammer

DH is always angry w me now. It has progressively gotten worse over the past couple of years. I don't think he can say a kind word to me at this point. I confess that for the past several months I hear an impatient, angry tone in my voice way more frequently than I want to hear. I have to make a conscious effort to speak gently and kindly to him. And he tells everyone I hate him and am always mad at him... that is his reality. It makes me sad. And yes, I have sore feet from walking on eggshells! 🐣

Drapper

i have joined dr Natali/Careblazers’s program. She offers a lot of advice on improving our relationship with LO with dementia. This will make you feel better in terms of how you “show up” as a caregiver and eventually will result in their behaviors improving as they feel more valued. I am finding the program very useful.

Drapper

https://www.careblazers.com/blog/how-to-improve-your-relationship-with-someone-who-has-dementia-4-tips

Ed1937

I think Careblazers and Teepa Snow both offer good videos on handling caregiver problems. They both have free videos on youtube, and they both offer "pay for" classes as well.

PWD often are not concerned with other people's needs. Empathy goes out the window for them. We have to be the ones who change how we act because they simply can't do that. But the good news is that it becomes easier to walk on eggshells when you have done it for a while. Just remember that it's better for both of you if you let them "win". That prevents a lot of arguments that you can't win anyhow.

SDianeL

No, they cannot put themselves in your shoes. Their emotion, sympathy, rationale is gone. If he is angry or agitated there are medications to help that. I have learned what to say and what not to say. I don't argue unless he's doing something that will hurt him. I anticipate his needs. Read the book "The 36 Hour Day" it helped me so much. Also the link posted above for Careblazers is excellent.

trottingalong

SDianeL said it perfectly. I don’t engage in an argument. In their mind, they believe what they are saying. It’s your new reality and it won’t get better, but it can get easier if you can let go of the idea that they comprehend what they are doing and saying.

harshedbuzz

This'll help you pin down his stage.

Excellent Handout Packet: dementia, stages, CGs, actively dying - Tam Cummings — ALZConnected

One of the earliest losses in dementia is that of empathy which is the ability to understand something from another's point-of-view.

That said, one of the last things lost in dementia is the ability to read the mood or emotional temperature of both verbal and non-verbal communication. If you are angry, annoyed, disappointed or resentful in your interactions he will totally know that, which could create a cycle of upset feelings and more challenging behaviors.

HB

storycrafter

PL, it's one of the hardest things when our spouse loses their ability to empathize.

Empathy is such a factor of quality in close relationships. It was one of the first things that went for my husband with FTD early on and totally changed our marriage. The loneliness and disconnect where once there was mutual collaboration and give and take, is a tough pill to swallow. It feels shocking in the beginning and takes some major work to adjust and adapt to such an important missing element.

His comment to you about walking on eggshells sounds like classic projection; not surprising in pwd. It feels like adding insult to injury.

What has helped me cope with it, including all the losses and grief dementia brings, is ongoing personal work on developing compassionate detachment, and building a support system around myself and my dh. I couldn't do it alone. Working with an experienced grief/dementia counselor and seeking out various support groups and other community resources helps me get through at this point.

Different things work for different people and I hope you find the support and resources you need. It takes some time and I wish you the best of luck. You have lots of good company here to provide moral support.