NEW PERSON HERE: I need help/advice

TechGurl

My mom and I do not know what to do about my dad. He has been acting irrational and loses his temper a lot. I have heard him tell my mom he wants a divorce and that she is no longer his wife and I am no longer his daughter. He has disconnected from us and watches tv all day long. On Father's Day this year, he wanted to work on the table saw for a project and my mom said for him to come inside because it is too hot for him to be in the garage, he got mad and said I will do what I want. Then an hour later, he comes rushing in the house with blood on his hand saying he cut his finger. He refused the ambulance so we took him to the ER. Thankfully he kept his finger but he was really cut up. He treats the hospital staff nice and speaks to them with humor but once he is around me or my mom he talks to us in an ugly tone, yells, threatens us, bullys us and says the meanest things. On July 11, 2023, my dad was at work and he tripped on the carpet and broke his hip. He was taken to the ER again and had to have emergency surgery. When he came out of surgery, he was talking to the nurses and even ordered a huge sandwich to eat. But he did not acknowledge me or my mom. He did not look at us once! A week later we asked him if he remembers us being there in the hospital and he said no.

My dad is 77 years old and he has had an EEG and it came back that he has mild cognitive impairment. We are not having any luck getting him an appointment with a neurologist. We are in desperate need of help and we do not know what to do. He has not been diagnosed officially by a doctor. My mom has been sick over the verbal abuse and threats my dad has said. Can someone provide some advice?

thank you for reading my long story.

Jo C.

Hello and welcome. i can well imagine the upset and stress this is bringing. I am so sorry. If for any reason, your father is admitted to the hospital, please have the primary physician order a Neurologist's Consult prior to his going home; that will eliminate that waiting period and establish him as a patient of the specialist. Also, what I used to do was get my Loved One's (LOs) name on a waiting list at the Neuro's office and then called about every day or every other day to see if a cancellation had arisen for any day. ALSO; sometimes if one communicates to the Neurologists actual nurse, (not the clerk), that it is an emergency due to behaviors, one can get in a bit sooner.

Another approach that can sometimes be helpful, is to have the primary MD make a direct call to the Neurologist and interact explaining it is an urgent need; very often this can get one into an appointment far quicker. I would recommend not telling your father it is for his "dementia," or his memory problems - this can cause a LO to drag their feet and refuse the appt. Sometimes we have to use a kind fiblet and say it is for something else to gain cooperation for the appt.

It would not be unusual for a person with dementia to have changed behaviors after anesthesia; that is to be expected and I would not apply any meaning to the fact he would not look at or communicate with family.

If and when you gain an appointment, in order for the physician to do a credible exam; the MD will need information and your mother will probably not be able to speak about your father in front of him. I recommend a detailed memo written out listing all changes in behavior, cognition and function and getting it to the specialist by the day or two prior to the appt. Let staff know it is very time sensitive and needs to get to the doctor asap. This will give the information needed for the exam and diagnosis. I also carried a copy in my handbag and when at the office, excused myself to use the bathroom and went inside the office area where I asked a staff member to check with the doctor to determine whether he/she had read the memo - if so; fine. If not, I had the copy to give and asked for it to be read prior to the exam AND stressed both in writing on the memo and to the staff member that the communication is confidential.

There are multiple different types of dementia; not just Alzheimer's. It is important to have an accurate diagnosis for type as meds for one type can be contraindicated for a different type. And; an EEG will not be diagnostic for this accurate diagnosis. There will be medications that can assist with the problematic behaviors, but one must know the type of dementia present to be able to treat properly.

I would like to recommend that you Post your writing on the Caregiver's Forum AND on the Spousal Forum; this particular Forum you are now on, is for persons who have dementia and there is not much input here.

If you Post on the Spousal/Partner Forum, there is much spousal wisdom there who have experienced similar circumstances. It would be very helpful to have their input.

Also, the Alzheimer's Assn. has a 24 hour, 365 days a year Helpline that can be reached at (800) 272-3900. If you call, ask to be transferred to a Care Consultant. There are no fees for this service. Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia and family dynamics.

You are doing an excellent job in support of your parents; they are blessed to have you by their side. It will take a bit of time to get this all settled out, but it will be so due to the diligence in reaching out for help.

NOTE: If for any reason, your father threatens physical safety or strikes out physically, do not hesitate to call 911. There is no shame in that. If he seems to be a harm to self or others, one can request of the officers that the LO be taken by ambulance to a local hospital that has a Geriatric Psychiatric Unit. Sometimes our LOs need that level of assessment on a 24 hour continuum to identify the main issues and to begin medications to assist. You may not have to do this, but just wanted to give that information. You can look on Google to find the closest hospital that has a GeroPsych Unit if that should ever become an issue.

Do Post on the Spousal Forum; we are permitted to Post on any and all Forums. Take good care of yourself and remember to get some rest for yourself too.

J.

PollySmith

There is a very helpful book called “The 36 hour day” it covers everything from memory loss, Alzheimer’s, and different types of Dementia.

There is also a website about caring for someone with dementia: thedawnmethod.com

Im not sure if they will help you and your mom but I figured I’d mention them. I personally found some helpful tips and advice from both resources