End of the trail

Just Bill

Well here we are waiting my wife's life force to come to an end. The hospice sends a nurse to stay with the patient to the end. That is where we are now. It has been 4 weeks and 3 days since hospice came. I cannot count the times my wife's life force drain was obvious and I was certain she wouldn't make it until morning but she did. Her body is in great shape, it is her brain that is killing her and her body is trying very hard to stay alive. She stopped eating 3 days ago and I suppose that is when the death process officially starts. She was diagnosed 3 years ago but I think it started 10 years before that. In the early stages she was good at hiding in plain sight. It wasn't until her symptoms became obvious she was diagnosed. While I was going through the 3 years of care giving it seemed like an endless nightmare that would never end. All of a sudden seemingly in the blink of an eye I am hanging around waiting for her to die. What a surreal experience this has been. I made sure to mentally record all the good memories I could spending time with her. The last year even though she was impaired were actually very happy. The last 2 months not so much. I have read everything I can on grief and am prepared to tackle that obstacle with the tools I learned tackling the dementia obstacle. Meditation, exercise, breathing exercises, practicing stoic philosophy, keep learning new things. I am planning on turning our spare bedroom into drum room and learn to play music. There are a few more hobbies I have in mind to try out but keeping my brain learning new things is key. I have made friends with depression and sadness they come over from time to time but I let them go in the morning. My goal is to have a tranquil emotional set point. Happiness and sadness are transient feelings that will come and go. To be enjoyed or endured but always to return to tranquility. Thank you all for being here. This group has been a huge tool in my tool box in dealing with this experience. I will still lurk and continue to contribute to pay forward what I have learned here. Thank you all again.

gampiano

Bill, you are an amazing person. Its so challenging to be a caregiver to a loved one, but also to be praticing self care. I admire your fortitude and your ability to look ahead with positivity.

Maureen

ImMaggieMae

Bill, you have truly learned the meaning of and application of unconditional love. Your posts have been a source of strength for so many of us here. I pray that these last days pass with tranquility for both you and your beloved wife.

Battlebuddy

So sorry Bill. Hospice told me that once my husband stopped eating it would take ten days. He passed away on the tenth day. I hope you pace yourself. I hope you are getting some sleep. Do you have anyone with you? My brother and my kids came , and although it was an awful week it was good to have someone in the house with me.

Ed1937

Bill, I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you it would get easier when it's all over, but that hasn't been my experience. It's hard all the way through this disease, and it's hard after.

SDianeL

Bill, praying for your strength and comfort during his time. She's lucky to have you. Cherish the memories.

Joydean

Bill you and your wife are in my prayers and have been for a while. I can’t even tell you how much you have helped me in our journey with this horrible disease. For that I will always be grateful. Take care of yourself.

M1

Thinking of you both Bill. I both long for the end and dread it. Peace to you.

HollyBerry

Bill, I've thought of you so many times in the past 4 weeks. Sending prayers that this next transition goes as peacefully as possible.

ghphotog

So sorry Bill.

Jeanne C.

Sending you peace. You're an amazing husband and you've given tremendous care to your wife. You're in my thoughts.

Jeff86

Joining with this community in hoping your DW’s passing is as gentle and easy as possible. Your devotion and fortitude are a model for all of us

Just Bill

My beautiful wife of 38 years passed away at 8:25 tonight. I held her hand and she was surrounded by her best friends and she passed peacefully. The hospice was absolutely amazing in their care of her.

ImMaggieMae

Bill, I am so so sorry. I’m glad you weren’t alone. Peace for both of you now.

Mint

Bill I'm so sorry for your loss .

Ed1937

Bill, I'm sorry for your loss. I know it's hard, but I can tell you that with time it will get easier. It will never be OK, but easier. You can be thankful that the end was peaceful.

JJ401

I am so sorry, but so glad that the end was peaceful. Your life will be different. You will always miss her. But, the intense grief you feel now will lessen and you will find a new normal. It won’t be the same as before, but it will be good.

Davegrant

Bill, I am sorry for your loss. I thank you for sharing your experiences and insights.

Dave

Caro_Lynne

RIP to your beautiful wife. Hope you can find peace in knowing how you cared for her until the end xo

A. Marie

Bill, peace unto you in your great loss. And thank you for all the wisdom you've shared with us. You've been an inspiration to me and many others.

GiGi1963

Bill your words are a comfort to us. Please know we send you comfort and love during this sorrowful time.

SDianeL

Bill, so sorry for your loss. May she rest in peace.

Iris L.

Bill, please accept my condolences in the loss of your dear wife.

Iris

Battlebuddy

Bill Im glad that you didn’t have to wait any longer for her passing, but so sorry you have reached the end of the trail with the love of your life.

My condolences to you and your family. I hope you reach a place of peace in the future

Rocky2

Bill, I'm so sorry for your loss. I pray that as you work through the grief you will also find peace and healing.

Tom

Denise1847

Bill,

My heart breaks for you. You have been a wonderful caregiver and contributor to all of us. Please keep in touch. May your grief be short-lived and your joy and peace be a constant.

Kibbee

I am sorry to hear of your loss. Your dear wife is gone from this world but the memories live on. I hope you find joy in remembering and speaking of her with friends and family who also knew and loved her.

Just Bill

Today I had to go to the mortuary and fill out the "Death Certificate" form. That hit me in the head like a bat. I imagined my wife in her prime was sitting next to me cracking jokes and I felt better. I have been doing that all day now imagining her in her prime hanging out. I took the dog for a jog today and I imagined her jogging with us. Today is day one of the healing process. Pain level was pretty high but imagining her in her prime hanging out was really helpful. So was exercising and meditating. Last night when she passed I think I was full of adrenaline and pretty much numb by the experience. This morning I was a mucous factory. I feel pretty good now I can pick up her clothes without losing it. My phone has been dinging off the hook with texts from family offering condolences. So overall good first day.

Joydean

Bill so glad her passing was peaceful and you had others with you. Her suffering is over now. So glad you can invision her with you. Pease and strength for you and your family! God bless you!

Ed1937

Bill, I think if you can get a little comfort thinking about her like that, that's great! I'm glad you had a rather good day.

Vitruvius

My sincere condolences to you on the passing of your DW. My the following days be filled with the best memories of your DW.