I’m the problem!

JC5

I cannot get over my anger! DH has always been self centered , selfish, the only person important to him in his life is him!! I’ve put up with it and built my own life, been quite happy with things until 3 years ago . Should I have divorced him after his second affair and he moved out of the house on our anniversary and proceeded to yell at me for not going out to dinner that night to celebrate our anniversary? Yes should have! Why I didn’t because I’m an idiot! We just coexisted. Now that person is all I see again and I hate it and I hate that I stayed with him. Dont have those caring nurturing feelings anymore especially when i’m being yelled at all day! I cry all the time, can’t remember the last time I truly smiled! God help me I don’t know what to do! And now my SIL planned a 50th wedding anniversary for us this weekend! I didn’t want it and cannot bring myself to look forward to it! There is nothing to celebrate!

Denise1847

I am so sorry. Perhaps talking your your DH's doctor about getting him some anti-anxiety meds might help with his behavior. I hope you have a POA so that you can place him in MC when it is appropriate.

Dio

JC5, many of us have gone through similar. It makes caregiving exponentially hard. Placement in memory care may be the next best thing for both of you.

Quilting brings calm

Yes JC place him the minute you have the opportunity. You deserve to have your life.

JC5

Oh my! Thank you I need to start looking! I’m at a loss. Thanks for being there for me!

Belle

Totally understand how you feel. My DH was a nightmare to live with early in our marriage. We had some good years but his behavior now reflects earlier times and it causes me anger and anxiety. I agree about placing him if you can afford to do so. You deserve some peace and if he's in a facility getting specialized care you are still looking out for him too.

upstateAnn

You owe him nothing….

Ed1937

It sounds like a facility might be best for both of you. You deserve a life too. I'm sorry.

JC5

Truth be known, I feel I’m most likely not the best caregiver for him. I’d like to think and hope I am the one but the as time goes on and the resentment builds, I wonder if there is something/someone better to care for him? So disheartened.

M1

Id be honest with your SIL about not wanting a party, use the dementia as an excuse if you have to-actually quite valid, as he may not react well to a change in routine. Agree with the others about researching facilities-you both may be better off.

LJCHR

I agree with everyone else. You need to think of yourself-take care of yourself. So sorry you are in this situation. This disease is brutal and can sap you as a caretaker-I can’t imagine having to deal with it under your circumstance. Maybe ask yourself what would happen if the shoe were on the other foot…..it may make your decision easier.

Elshack

Tell your SIL that you and he are not up for an anniversary party. Please look into a facility for him. I hope you have power of attorney and have the means to place him. Believe me, this caretaking job is most difficult even for those who have had years of a loving marriage.

Davegrant

JC5

I read something here several years ago and it stuck with me. In essence, that the caregiver role is a choice, and we are not required to be a caregiver and in fact that all of us have a choice. Maybe someone here wrote it and can repost it. I saw the article early in the disease when I was wondering if indeed, I was capable of this role. The changes in her behavior were near the level of my tolerance. I made a decision to stay being a caregiver at that time but reserve the right to change my mind. I got myself totally involved in the support systems and understanding more of the disease. But there are situations that happen that bring me back to that place quite often. Note that my resentments were much less than yours and I am not sure what decision I would make. My realization that I have a choice is important to me.

Dave

Ed1937

"I read something here several years ago and it stuck with me. In essence, that the caregiver role is a choice, and we are not required to be a caregiver and in fact that all of us have a choice." Dave, that was something that came from one of Natalie Edmonds' videos. I think it might have been from her 5 day course. We all have a choice, but there are times when there might be consequences from the decisions we make. Walking away in the early stages when it does not put someone in danger is no problem. But if your LO cannot live safely by themselves, and the caregiver chooses to just leave, they are opening themselves up for legal problems. Certainly nobody can be forced to be a caregiver, but once that job is accepted by someone, it becomes harder to walk away from. I think it comes down to common sense whether or not someone can walk away from the caregiver job. So if you are going to walk away from being a caregiver, do it early in the disease to protect yourself unless you find alternative caregiving for them. Not everyone is cut out for this job.

FAHNJL

On one hand, this is what you signed up for - sickness and in health and all that. But on the other hand, you have a right to have a life. Proceed accordingly.

PlentyQuiet

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/185399#Comment_185399

I too am in a marriage with a baseline difficult spouse who now has EOAD. I get told (a lot) about the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows. I have learned to answer that he also vowed to "love, honor, and cherish" and as that was never upheld I will refuse to feel guilty when it is time to place him in a facility.

I agree that you have a right to a life

Quilting brings calm

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/185399#Comment_185399

Placing someone does not mean you are forsaking your ‘ in sickness and in health’ vow. In fact, it’s one way of honoring them. If a staff of people can take better care of your spouse than you, then that’s the way to go

Iris L.

Placement is not a punishment or abandonment, placement is the next step in the care of a terminally ill person. Why should there be guilt?

Iris

storycrafter

I so identify with your comments. It's a very difficult situation. I find there are psychological/emotional/relational losses that are huge shifts in the beginning and middle stages of coping with the dementia journey. It's a complete paradigm shift of a lifetime, for the caregiver of a spouse.

Personally I haven't been able to do it alone. It's been a long ongoing journey in our case with very slow progression after some very rough years getting to diagnosis. I need the help of others to try to keep my head on straight. I've been reaching out for help in many different ways for a long time, trying to strengthen myself and build more resilience and self-compassion. Even so, it's a very tough road.

In the pressures on a caregiver that come with this condition, it's no wonder we often feel isolated and overwhelmed. One thing I've experienced ... I couldn't do it without the help of a knowledgable, wise, grief/dementia family counselor. Her perspective has been invaluable. I need to develop some other relationships because one person can't meet all our needs. When feeling beleagured and depressed it's a herculean feat to seek help. But without that I'd be lost.

You're not alone. Your post was helpful for me to read as you gave voice to my own mind's unsaid thoughts. Thank you for writing here. I hope you continue to share about your journey and let us support and encourage you.