I’m the problem!

JC5, many of us have gone through similar. It makes caregiving exponentially hard. Placement in memory care may be the next best thing for both of you.

You owe him nothing….

I agree with everyone else. You need to think of yourself-take care of yourself. So sorry you are in this situation. This disease is brutal and can sap you as a caretaker-I can’t imagine having to deal with it under your circumstance. Maybe ask yourself what would happen if the shoe were on the other foot…..it may make your decision easier.

JC5

I read something here several years ago and it stuck with me. In essence, that the caregiver role is a choice, and we are not required to be a caregiver and in fact that all of us have a choice. Maybe someone here wrote it and can repost it. I saw the article early in the disease when I was wondering if indeed, I was capable of this role. The changes in her behavior were near the level of my tolerance. I made a decision to stay being a caregiver at that time but reserve the right to change my mind. I got myself totally involved in the support systems and understanding more of the disease. But there are situations that happen that bring me back to that place quite often. Note that my resentments were much less than yours and I am not sure what decision I would make. My realization that I have a choice is important to me.

Dave

On one hand, this is what you signed up for - sickness and in health and all that. But on the other hand, you have a right to have a life. Proceed accordingly.

Placing someone does not mean you are forsaking your ‘ in sickness and in health’ vow. In fact, it’s one way of honoring them. If a staff of people can take better care of your spouse than you, then that’s the way to go

I so identify with your comments. It's a very difficult situation. I find there are psychological/emotional/relational losses that are huge shifts in the beginning and middle stages of coping with the dementia journey. It's a complete paradigm shift of a lifetime, for the caregiver of a spouse.

Personally I haven't been able to do it alone. It's been a long ongoing journey in our case with very slow progression after some very rough years getting to diagnosis. I need the help of others to try to keep my head on straight. I've been reaching out for help in many different ways for a long time, trying to strengthen myself and build more resilience and self-compassion. Even so, it's a very tough road.

In the pressures on a caregiver that come with this condition, it's no wonder we often feel isolated and overwhelmed. One thing I've experienced ... I couldn't do it without the help of a knowledgable, wise, grief/dementia family counselor. Her perspective has been invaluable. I need to develop some other relationships because one person can't meet all our needs. When feeling beleagured and depressed it's a herculean feat to seek help. But without that I'd be lost.

You're not alone. Your post was helpful for me to read as you gave voice to my own mind's unsaid thoughts. Thank you for writing here. I hope you continue to share about your journey and let us support and encourage you.