Struggling with resentment

Anonymousjpl123

My mom is still in MC but is really pushing to go back to AL. Because she is on the cusp of needing it, her facility would allow it. She has NPH and has (thank god!) finally agreed to get the surgery. We all agreed that she’ll stay in MC, get the surgery, and we’ll see how things go from there.

Here is my challenge: she calls me 10 times a day, just to talk, and now with the surgery scheduled has an excuse. I see her a lot. I am very involved in her care.

But when I talk to her now I’m starting to feel reaLly angry, and she picks up on it. How do I set boundaries with someone who only really understands me half of the time or less? She is not totally gone at all. She’s not. Memory care has helped me see where she is in contrast to others further along. I’m grateful she is somewhere that actually cares and will work with us.

I am really her only regular contact and am worried she will swallow me alive.

Emily 123

Hiya,

You can't successfully set boundaries with someone who can't remember information from conversation to conversation, so this will have to be driven by what you can tolerate. She's probably calling over and over because she can't recall how often she sees you or her earlier calls.

Since you're already seeing her a lot, send her calls to VM and respond when you're in a good frame of mind--that might not be more than once a day to check in. Or some people have the phone removed--out of sight, out of mind may work.

M1

As suggested above, I would not answer the phone until surgery and then use that opportunity to remove it.

housefinch

Protect yourself and your sanity. I’m betting she won’t remember when you last talked, even if you talk 10 times daily. Do what you need to do for yourself. And bye-bye phone ASAP as she goes into surgery. Put your oxygen mask on first. I may sound cruel here, but you are important and deserve loving care from yourself. She’s safe & the staff will call you if she needs anything 💕

harshedbuzz

Another thought is a burner phone.

Get yourself a cheapie burner and record an outgoing message of love and reassurance just for her. Return her calls once at day (or however often works for you) when you are in a place emotionally to interact.

I would disappear the phone while she's hospitalized and consider not giving it back unless she has a miraculous outcome with her surgery.

HB

Quilting brings calm

I had to start letting the phone go to voice mail, and then listening to the message. I would not call back unless the message was about something new.

To be honest, this didn’t always work to end the calls because sometimes she just kept calling every 3 minutes if I didn’t answer and the messages got more and more needy and tear filled. Medications helped with this and she doesn’t call repeatedly any more. She will just leave one message

You should mention the repeated phone calls to staff. They might be able to head off some of the calls by redirecting her to an activity or a different conversation. That did help me at my Mom’s AL. They would tell her to write down her concerns for me so that we could discuss them the next time I called. My Mom can still read and write.

Anonymousjpl123

Thank you all for the affirmations. It helps so much to see what’s right in front of me: I’m trying to act like I can set boundaries with her when her behavior really has nothing to do with that.

I’ll lose the phone after surgery; for now, I’m going to block her calls while I’m at work.

It’s hard because there are these moments when I feel like she really understands - like we’re actually communicating. She will literally say “I want to talk honestly so we can clear the air and I know what’s going on.” And we have a somewhat real conversation.

But 10 minutes later she’ll ask where the car is 5 times in 5 minutes (when we haven’t driven anywhere), and introduce me to someone at her MC for the 27th time like it’s the first time, and I’m floored.

One positive: I’m putting my worry of her staying in MC or moving back to AL after surgery on hold. The MC director feels she is in the right place, unless surgery creates a dramatic change. Others think she could go back to AL. I flat out told the director I honestly need for them to make that decision after surgery because my brain is tired and I can no longer be objective. I’m hoping this takes the pressure off me.

I am also for real going to put the oxygen mask back on me. I can and must.

Thank you all for listening. Your responses help more than you know.

Emily 123

I think that's a good decision. You're doing a good job. It's hard at first to have that bird's eye-view that keeps everyone's needs in the picture. You won't know until you know, after the surgery. She's in the place that can handle her on her worst day, which is what she needs, and the MC director's in a good place to work with you to determine what level of care she'll eventually need.

BassetHoundAnn

Dealing with my mom's frequent phone calls was one of the hardest things emotionally for me to deal with. She would call me dozens of times a day and cry out "Help me!" then abruptly hang up. One afternoon she called 40 times in just a couple hours. I let all the calls go to messages. Listening to the messages was always gut-wrenching. Eventually I blocked her number, which was tough to do because she would get a message that I had blocked her number and she understood what that meant. She kept bringing it up with me and protesting the block, and of course there were major guilt-trips there. But for my own sanity and peace I had to do it.

When I moved her to memory care the phone disappeared. She became obsessed with getting another phone. I was visiting her every day, but she still wanted a phone to call me. She would convince aids to call me. When they put her on she would simply cry out "Help me!" and hang up.

She has been in memory care for over two years now and she is still obsessed with getting another phone. I humor her, tell her the phone company is working on it, and change the subject.

Yeah, the phone is a tough thing to deal with. I felt an enormous sense of relief when her phone "disappeared" and the calls stopped, and I was finally able to live life in peace. In these situations you have to prioritize your own peace and sanity.

_sylvester_

I too experience this situation and these feelings. However, because I am a long way away from the facility where my father is and can visit only every few weeks, I feel I cannot (yet) take his phone as I don't want to depend on the nurse's phone to speak with him. I dread the time when I will have to make that decision and take his phone away. He is also calling other people, I will need to start putting some limitations on the phone :(

He calls me while I am at work but he does not realize this. Today, I was kind of upset and said I am at work and cannot speak all the time during the day. He was surprised about it and let out a spontaneous 'ohh...' But then 1.5 hours later, it is as if we had no conversation at all :(

scaskey

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/185839#Comment_185839

Is your mom taking any anxiety medication? If not you might ask her doctor about this.

BassetHoundAnn

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/185877#Comment_185877

She's been on anti-anxiety meds for several years. We keep having to change the drugs and up the dosages. It's been a real battle. Fortunately the nurse at the memory care, and the nurses with hospice have been great advocates. And very knowledgeable as well. They've been good at pressuring her doctor to adjust her medications when necessary.

Anonymousjpl123

Yes it does seem like the phone is inevitably hard. @_sylvester_ And @BassetHoundAnn you just described exactly what happens some days! I guess we know we have to find ways to limit calls; and that eventually the phones will need to go.

For now, what has helped the most is taking the advice on this thread from @harshedbuzz :

“Return her calls once at day (or however often works for you) when you are in a place emotionally to interact.”

She literally has no idea how many times she’s calling, or when she calls while I’m at work it’s disruptive, or that she calls sometimes 5 minutes after we talk. I cant control that but if it’s really frustrating I don’t pick up. It’s better for her and me.

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Anonymousjpl123

@Victoria2020 thank you so much for you kind words! I needed to hear these tonight and it really means a lot :)

I think her agreeing to the surgery has definitely made her more nervous and dependent. There are a few of us (me and 2 others) she calls and one got 33 calls today. I don’t think she realizes she keeps hitting dial.

I can’t bear to take the phone away before the surgery. We’ve got two pre op appts this week, tomorrow and Wednesday, then hopefully I get a break. Her surgery is 11/9 so not too far off.

thank you for being an endless voice of support and wisdom here. It’s so appreciated.