Struggling with resentment

Hiya,

You can't successfully set boundaries with someone who can't remember information from conversation to conversation, so this will have to be driven by what you can tolerate. She's probably calling over and over because she can't recall how often she sees you or her earlier calls.

Since you're already seeing her a lot, send her calls to VM and respond when you're in a good frame of mind--that might not be more than once a day to check in. Or some people have the phone removed--out of sight, out of mind may work.

Protect yourself and your sanity. I’m betting she won’t remember when you last talked, even if you talk 10 times daily. Do what you need to do for yourself. And bye-bye phone ASAP as she goes into surgery. Put your oxygen mask on first. I may sound cruel here, but you are important and deserve loving care from yourself. She’s safe & the staff will call you if she needs anything 💕

I had to start letting the phone go to voice mail, and then listening to the message. I would not call back unless the message was about something new.

To be honest, this didn’t always work to end the calls because sometimes she just kept calling every 3 minutes if I didn’t answer and the messages got more and more needy and tear filled. Medications helped with this and she doesn’t call repeatedly any more. She will just leave one message

You should mention the repeated phone calls to staff. They might be able to head off some of the calls by redirecting her to an activity or a different conversation. That did help me at my Mom’s AL. They would tell her to write down her concerns for me so that we could discuss them the next time I called. My Mom can still read and write.

I think that's a good decision. You're doing a good job. It's hard at first to have that bird's eye-view that keeps everyone's needs in the picture. You won't know until you know, after the surgery. She's in the place that can handle her on her worst day, which is what she needs, and the MC director's in a good place to work with you to determine what level of care she'll eventually need.

I too experience this situation and these feelings. However, because I am a long way away from the facility where my father is and can visit only every few weeks, I feel I cannot (yet) take his phone as I don't want to depend on the nurse's phone to speak with him. I dread the time when I will have to make that decision and take his phone away. He is also calling other people, I will need to start putting some limitations on the phone :(

He calls me while I am at work but he does not realize this. Today, I was kind of upset and said I am at work and cannot speak all the time during the day. He was surprised about it and let out a spontaneous 'ohh...' But then 1.5 hours later, it is as if we had no conversation at all :(

She's been on anti-anxiety meds for several years. We keep having to change the drugs and up the dosages. It's been a real battle. Fortunately the nurse at the memory care, and the nurses with hospice have been great advocates. And very knowledgeable as well. They've been good at pressuring her doctor to adjust her medications when necessary.