It's been a while

tlyoung

So it's been a while since I've posted. Mom went into memory care during peak COVID in 2020. I visited her when I could. Then I fell off. I was dealing with so many personal issues that I just couldn't handle the visits. Last time I had seen her, she still knew who I was and was happy to see me. This time, it's been so long she has no clue who I am. And that's on me, I know it is.

My therapist tells me not to put myself through this since she dosen't know the difference. But I CAN'T. I can't NOT feel an obligation to see her. I feel like I owe it to her since no one else in my family will see her. Ever. They are comfortable in their refusal to see their own mother in her waning years.

I'm so torn between what's easy for me and what I feel I owe her. Felt the need to reconnect with this community, who has been such a great help.

harshedbuzz

When I have been faced with a similar scenario, I chose the option that would give me the most peace after the other person passed. I find it easier to live with the fewest regrets possible.

I had a sister who was not a decent human. She was an unfaithful partner, abusive parent, liar, thief, addict and all around unpleasant. She was dying from complications of AIDS in the months before my son was born. I visited her in the hospital several times a week to bring her homemade ice cream and cigarettes. Her current boyfriend was dying in another hospice, my dad couldn't bring himself to see her, and mom was so busy caring for my traumatized nieces that she rarely came. I don't know whether she enjoyed seeing me, but she did like the break in the ice cream and not having to bargain with an over-burdened nurse for an escort to the smoking area outside.

You can't know if your mom would have remembered you had you not put visits on pause. Visits were so complicated in the earlier phases of the pandemic and not always easy for PWD who didn't barriers or recognize people wearing masks.

A dear friend of mine's mom was diagnosed with dementia around the time my dad was. We often met to compare notes over Mexican food. She moved her mom in with her and provided much of the hands-on care. Over time, mom forgot who my friend was which was crushing. Mom bonded with her as she might a favored caregiver. One afternoon she told my friend all about her "own lovely daughter" in the most glowing terms and suggested that the two of them should meet as they would likely become best of friends.

HB

TrumpetSwan

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186289#Comment_186289

Wow, HB!!! That comment about the friend's mother telling her she must meet her "own lovely daughter" is touching and poignant. What a great gift it must have been to your friend to have such a heartfelt reflection coming back to her from her mother. I hope she found comfort in it.

TrumpetSwan

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/66821/its-been-a-while

Hello Tlyoung. I do not think there is any right or wrong thing to do. Whatever you decide does not make you 'good' or 'bad'. I think it is only about what will give you peace. You do not need to explain yourself to anyone. I personally do not think it matters whether your parent will know who you are or not so I would not let your decision rest on that aspect. I would decide based on what YOU want and what feels right to YOU. You do not need to commit to a huge amount of time, or dedicate to any recurring schedule. You could visit once if you want, then assess how you feel and let that determine if or when you make another visit.

Quilting brings calm

You can only do your best. And you could only have done your best back then. move forward. Visit when you feel up to it. Call when you don’t feel up to visit but can handle a call to the nurses. Think good thoughts on days/weeks you can’t bring yourself to make a phone call.

The MC will contact you when you need to know something. FYI- not all of us are able to visit as often as others of us. We all need to protect our own mental, physical, emotional and financial health too. So don’t try to compare yourself to the 24/7 caregivers or the visit the AL/MC daily caregivers.