Family Choices

Concernedwon

My 76 y-o DW was given a Mini Memory Test nearly a year ago. Her result was MCI, which didn’t tell me much. I first really realized something was wrong 3 years ago when several of my friends and family members told me DW said it was me that was experiencing dementia. They said they could readily tell it was her. Thinking about it, I saw evidence of it earlier but didn’t think much of it.

I think she is in stage 4-5 based on info I got from this forum and included links. I joined the forum several months ago and have been absorbing the reality as I read the posts. Many have been helpful in dealing with DW, helping me pre-diffuse what I might have made into arguments. I have also met with our Elder Law Attorney, and set myself up with her PCP. Thanks to all of you for sharing.

My current dilemma is the death of my brother-in-law halfway across the country. The memorial has been scheduled for mid-November. I am very close to my “baby” sister, and wasn’t able to be there immediately after her loss. Fortunately, other family members were. I can no longer leave DW alone, so she chose our house cleaner, whom she knows and likes, and also works for IHSS, to stay with her for the four days I would be gone. A big part of the help needed is with our geriatric dog and cat. They have always been my responsibility and DW’s last foray in caring for them included an unwanted mess on the floor.

However, she has recently begun to vacillate on the issue of my leaving. One moment she is okay with our house cleaner, the next she insists she doesn’t want anyone to stay with her, and the next she rants about me “promising” her she’d never have to take care of the animals and I should stay home.  A few days ago, she accused my sister of being inconsiderate in scheduling the service at her home. I tried to reason that it wasn’t the same as a wedding in Hawaii where guests would have to pay their own way. I wasn’t able to elicit any kind of empathetic response from her.

And I fear knowing that this will only get worse with time. My heart goes out to all of you.

Joe C.

Concerned, Trying to resonate with your DW is not likely to work if she is in mid stage of the disease. At this point you probably need to start using fiblets rather that reasoning. Maybe you can tell her the housekeeper needs a place to stay for a couple of nights while her home has some repairs done as a way of accepting her staying there. How is your wife’s sense of time? If her sense of time has slipped away then telling her you going to your sisters but will be home tomorrow might help ease her concerns and then you can tell her each day that you’ll be home tomorrow. Good luck.

SDianeL

so sorry about your DW's cognitive issues. Losing emotions is common. No empathy or sympathy. No sense of humor. Someone posted here that you can't reason with someone whose "reasoner" is broken. You won't get her to agree so don't try. Just do what you need to do for your sister as long as your DW is taken care of. Fib if you must. Will the housekeeper take care of the animals? If so, you can use that to your advantage and it may or may not work. If not, could you board them? Please keep us posted. So sorry about your brother-in-law. 🙏

Chammer

Are you able to have a pet sitter service come in daily to feed, walk and clean up after the pets? I'm sure your vet office will know of some to refer to you.