Are other caregivers having a difficult time focusing?

Denise1847

Good Morning Forum Friends,

My DH was diagnosed 5 years ago with Alz/Dementia and is in stage 5. I am on antidepressants (Wellbutrin) and am the sole caregiver. I am finding that I am constantly thinking of many things at the same time to the point of constant distraction. It is so scary and am wondering if others experience this as a result of stress and constant anxiety or if I seriously have a problem. I am terrified of getting this horrible disease. In addition to worrying about my DH, I feel like I have a black cloud following me. Thoughts please. Thank you.

charley0419

my wife in mild Alzheimer stage , whatever that is, so where your at most be difficult. I did read a book called “ 36 hour day” very helpful. I hate this illness

Belle

My DH was diagnosed last year and just recently it's all 'clicked' in my brain about where we are heading. I think I was in some sort of denial for a year even though I knew he has had issues for a decade. Anyway, just yesterday I was thinking about how much I am focused on his situation to the point where I can't focus on anything else. I think what you are going through is normal, you are stressed trying to be a caregiver, you are making huge adjustments in your life to help your DH, you are probably experiencing anticipatory grief. All of that would contribute to feelings of anxiety and feeling less sure about our own mental health.

As another sole caregiver I do want to share one thing several people have told me and that is you can't do this alone. You need to put together a team of people to help both of you. That might be a therapist for you, daycare or home aid for DH so you can get some time away, it might mean hiring a geriatric care manager to evaluate his current needs, it might mean seeing a geriatric psychiatrist for medication so he sleeps better. My point is that your increased anxiety may be telling you that you need more help or that he's reaching a new stage in his illness and adjustments are necessary, that is what I am finding in my situation. I hope you find some relief for your stress and anxiety.

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186644#Comment_186644

Ty very much.

Ed1937

Denise, I agree this is perfectly normal. So many things coming at you from every direction, and you have to make decisions on all of it at the same time. I understand what you're talking about. I didn't know someone could have so many thoughts at the same time before I dealt with this. It is a scary feeling.

And I think the fear of getting this disease is much higher in a group of caregivers than it is for the general public. We know what it is, while others really do not. One day at a time.

Davegrant

Denise,

I can attest to the fact that I am constantly thinking about this disease one way or the other. I am retired but have taken over all the household duties from cooking, cleaning, shopping, planning, family relations. I always did the financial, taxes etc. but now in addition to the chores which I actually don't mind but I believe that I am caring for a bossy four-year-old (going on 86). She asks me on what to put on her cereal and if she has to finish eating it. She asks me 50 questions as day, but she never does what I answer her. She eats sweets most of the day and eats about 1/3 of the supper meal I prepare. She complains all day about being thirsty, but I read that her body is rejecting all the sugar. She sleeps during the evening tv viewing times but then is up half of the night rearranging dishes and foods in the kitchen. As her disease progresses my duties increase but on the other hand, I go to support meetings and stay connected to this ALZCONNECTED to help me stay sane, a day at a time.

I do try to focus on the positives, I do like being in charge of things, I do like to solve problems, I am grateful that I can care for her to this point. I am grateful that I don't have this disease. Even though she has no idea that she has it, anosognosia. I would not want to trade places. I have a plan "B" if something should happen to me. The latter is how I am thinking on my best days. LOL

Dave

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186661#Comment_186661

Not at that point yet but i know, but I feel like you do my wife 77 I’m 76.

Denise1847

Thank you all so much for your responses. I so appreciate this group. My heart breaks for everyone here. I am grateful for your responses, your experience and your insight.

mrahope

I will just add my voice to the chorus. If you're anything like me, in addition to being the sole caregiver, you're handling financial, domestic and other family matters that your partner did in the past. I often have to stop and literally put a list item in an app on my phone in order to keep it all straight. And I still missed a car payment and had to fix that. I get the feeling of overwhelming pressure, as well as the feeling of grief, and even the irritation that creeps in when your partner of many years has forgotten that blueberry muffins don't have to be refrigerated, etc. I'm not a doctor (and have never played one on TV) but I suspect these feelings and concerns of yours are due to the situation you are in, not some incipient mental issues. Give yourself permission to be imperfect. It is one of the few things that has helped me.

Denise1847

Thank you mrahope. This disease tortures the caregivers. I wish there was an easier way to deal with it. My DH seems very content. Stay well as you can. I wish you peace and rest.

GG06

Hi Denise1847. I was feeling the same way. I was constantly thinking of my husband's FTD and also worried about getting some kind of terminal disease myself. I was spiraling. I found a wonderful therapist that I meet with online. I am a huge proponent of mental health help, but finding a good fit can be challenging. I was fortunate to find one on psychology.com. After a few sessions with her, she suggested I may benefit from an anti-depressant. Again, I was lucky to find a psychiatric PA online that I like and has been helpful. I'm in my second month of taking Prozac. It's definitely helping, but I do have occasional headaches which can be a side-effect.

Please be pro-active looking after your mental and physical health Denise. I know it can feel like just something else on your to-do list, but it can make a world of difference to you and your LO.

Kibbee

Like everyone on here I’m doing pretty much everything. Caregiving, house cleaning, cooking, laundry, yard and car maintenance, and managing medical / dental / vision care for both of us. And just when I think I’m focused and doing pretty well..something pops up to remind me that maybe not so much. Today’s pop up…went grocery shopping and somehow managed to overlook and leave a bag in the cart in the parking lot. A large bag, filled with two expensive beef roasts…how could I not have seen that?? Luckily I noticed they were missing as soon as I got home, called the store, and a worker had already discovered them and brought them back inside to the cooler. So I had to make a trip back to the store to get them. Makes me wonder about my ability to focus. And maybe I’m not doing so great with vision care either!

LindaLouise

I can totally relate to all these comments about focus! Like the rest of you, I'm doing it all myself, and doing it all while navigating around my DH who wants to pitch in and "help" me or do something on his own. It takes me so long to find the windows where I can sneak the garbage out, or do a little yardwork without assistance. Last week he dumped yard waste in the recycle, took out the garbage and left it in the middle of the garage and plugged in a battery charger while I was doing some yard work. He was someone who did so much and I think he is still trying to be part of our life together with helping - I don't want to hurt his feelings and he is generally very cheerful, so managing to get things done secretly is the best I can do. I think living with that fear of what will happen next and constantly expecting the unexpected, takes a lot of band width and there goes my focus!

Katielu

Denise,

Like all the others have said, we now do it all. I am still working ,mostly from home but was so distracted I was not getting much done. I was depressed and sad and angry. I did start Wellbutrin and my DH has started Aricept, which has stopped the repetitive questions that were making me crazy. His word finding has improved. I am grateful and hope the medication will buy me some time. I am 69 years old and will work for several years.

I do go to a local support group. They meet once a month and I found them so helpful.

I hope it helps to know you are not crazy ( I have felt that in the past) you are not alone.

Marta

Denise: is your Wellbutrin immediate release or extended release (SR, XL)? The immediate release formulation can worsen anxiety and reduce focus. If you are taking SR or XL, you could ask the prescriber to increase the dose during this rough patch.

ghphotog

I also know what you mean. I'm a lone caregiver as well. My DW is very advanced in Alzheimer's. Somewhere in stage 6. I have to do everything for her. There is no more comprehension of anything. She like a 3 year old in ability. Daycare has been helpful for me 2 or 3 days a week.

I was laying in bed last night thinking that I can no longer hope for my own life and comfort as they are put on hold for a while. My entire focus is now caregiving.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing this will be over someday, either she will at some point succumb and pass or this disease will get it's twofers and I will succumb as well. Either way it's over.

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186704#Comment_186704

I understand your pain. My wife at the asking same questions and short term memory.

KathyF1

Denise, I could have written your post. On rare occasions I get some solitude and I feel like I get a glimpse of “me”. The new me doesn’t resemble the old me at all. Yes, distracted is the word. My DH demands my attention all the time. Talking crazy all day wears on me. Can you relate? The latest is that he claims he went to the moon. Tells everyone. He rambles non stop. Normal conversation is something I crave. But I don’t call my friends much because he stands there listening to me. There is nothing wrong with you. This is not a normal way to live (being a caretaker). At times it feels like torture. You need a break. Somehow, some way. Yes I’m on anti depressants too. They only help so much. I don’t sleep well, my mind won’t shut down. So . . . Please try to find a way to get some time to yourself. Easier said than done I know. But rest assured, there is nothing wrong with you. God Bless You Denise.

angeladen101

We all know how you feel and what you're going through. Definitely look into other antidepressants, there are lots of good ones to try. My DH was on that to quit smoking and it made him very loopy. I am glad to have an online support group once a month, but I've realized that I need more support than that and will be looking for another online or in person. It helps to talk to someone, a therapist, friend, support group. Helps with the craziness in our own minds of trying to figure it all out. Good luck.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186690#Comment_186690

Wow! I can relate to the roast. I am there with you.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186711#Comment_186711

Thank you. Take care and be as well as you can.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186711#Comment_186711

Thank you. Please take care.

tucson anne

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186692#Comment_186692

I totally relate to the whole issue of DH wanting to help, making the task harder. Recycling emptied into trash; mail collected and left somewhere randomly, vacuuming but not remembering what he just did. He is so bored that any time I start to do something (yard work, housework, whatever) he pops up and follows me. And then there's the issue of him trying to do something (planting a plant) and doing it wrong and me losing my cool. sigh.

housefinch

Be kind to yourself. Not only do you have to manage your life—-you have to be your PWD’s entire executive functioning too. And you have to supervise their behavior, keep them safe, worry about finances, walk on eggshells possibly to prevent outbursts, etc. And grieve the loss of the person you knew. AND of course worry about yourself anytime you forget something. Maybe this will give someone a needed laugh. A couple of years ago I went to go somewhere in my car & couldn’t find my keys. A few minutes later I found them IN OUR FRONT DOOR. I had forgotten to bring them inside when I came in! Does anyone remember The Simpsons intro when Homer does that? Yep! Felt pretty dumb!!!

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186743#Comment_186743

Hi Housefinch, That was a good share. I haven't done that one yet but give me time and I am sure I will. Have a peaceful day.

Kibbee

Keys left outside in the lock…yes, done that. Overnight! Luckily we had no unexpected and unwanted visitors.

ImMaggieMae

Thank you for this thread. I was beginning to think I was the only one. A couple weeks ago I had thrown one of those cheap plastic laundry baskets with all the in holes in it and clean clothes, into the laundry room sink while I was changing my husband’s incontinence underwear and trying to keep him sitting on the toilet til I got clean pants on him. One of the holes in the basket went over the lever type faucet handle and when I threw a pair of his sweatpants over it, it was enough downward pressure to turn on the faucet. Which was in the direction of the hot water of course. By the time I got him settled and back in the family room, the laundry room with the slow running hot water that I didn’t realize was going was long forgotten. It was only late the next day when my sister heard water running somewhere that we tracked it down to the laundry room sink. I haven’t received the water bill or the electric bill for that one yet. But do I win the prize for lack of focus?

storycrafter

Ohmygoodness, I appreciate this thread so much. It's reassuring to read that I'm not alone. I really have been concerned about the same thing - that I'm losing my own marbles. I might be, but I cling to the hope that it's temporary distractions due to all that's going on. I'm experiencing my own aging issues more and more it seems and need to develop some new strategies for dealing with life. There's always some other challenge coming down the pike. Some days it feels like I'm the bowling pin watching the bowling balls come down the lane straight at me. Trying to dodge or absorb the hits is exhausting. Here on the site we have strength in numbers and we will carry on together.

michiganpat

I can identify with all of you and feel reassured I am not losing my marbles! My day is spent almost constantly monitoring/worrying/redirecting my husband. His constant watching and talking about the news and obsessing over the talk show hosts stories on CNN and Fox drives me batty! His obsessing over every little thing makes my gut tight. I realize he can't help it and that is what makes it bearable even though incredibly sad.

ButterflyWings

Yes it is par for the course, I agree completely. As everyone said, you/we are thinking and doing for two. Plus caring for our LOs which is a HUGE job, as you know. If ever anyone needed to be able to clone themselves a couple of times over, it is dementia caregivers.

I will just mention one other thing to consider though...if you have had covid, many people are experiencing some "brain fog". So, what you're feeling might not have anything to do with juggling the ga-zillion things we have to manage once our brain becomes the only reliable in the house... or it could be both (long covid recovery is a thing even in subtle ways like the periodic cognitive fuzziness, medical records are showing).

Take a deep breath, meditation and breathing really do help. I have to remind myself to do this! And thank you for this thread. I listen to music, dance around a bit, look at things on pinterest that I'd like to make when quilting or crafting is feasible again one day, and sip my favorite tea whenever I can. That's my "me" time. It helps.

ButterflyWings

Here is a link to some healing music. It helps when you can't get away. I found this outlet when my DH refused to leave our home for a couple of years. Housebound! I never saw that one coming. Whew, glad that phase passed.

DH relaxes and listens to music streams like this too, lol no choice I guess, but he always loved music also. Sometimes I leave it or another "no ads" instrumental music stream on the laptop playing softly while we sleep.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiqG9J5ohXQ "Music heals the heart and blood vessels. Calming music restores the nervous system".