just placed in memory care

jglee

Just placed my DH in memory care 2 days ago. He was diagnosed with Alzheimers in 2021. I spent the first day with him getting him settled and talking to the staff. DH doesn't understand why he is there and is very sad, tries to argue that he is fine and wants to go home. The second day, I went to visit, took him for a walk outside the facility. He seemed in good spirits, but when we got back to memory care he again said he was ready to go home. He has emptied the closet each night and says he is ready to go home. Do you think I should visit less often so he has a chance to settle into the memory care routine?

Jgirl57

Hugs to you. I have no advice because we are not at that point, but I am sure others will give you input. I just wanted to respond and welcome you to the forum .

M1

Welcome, glad you found your way here. I would ask the staff for their advice. You are correct that many times families are advised to stay away for a period of time. It varies, and no one can predict how he will respond. Some adapt quickly, and some do not. My partner has been in memory care for18 months and still frequently packs up to leave, asks to leave with me at every visit. I hope you don't have that experience.

Elshack

My DH has been in Memory care for 15 mo. He adjusted well. In your situation I would advise not to take your DH out of the memory care facility for awhile as it is no doubt depressing for him to have to go back. Ask the staff re: their opinion. They will give you the best advice re: how often to visit.

Nowhere

My advice would be to do what you think is easiest on him. Saying this because you are the one who carries this pain longer than it takes him to forget you were there. I didn’t want to cause my husband an ounce of added stress, but heaven knows how upset he was in my absence. You know him best, so however you proceed it’s okay and maybe helpful to experiment by trying both methods and consulting with the staff

Wishing you peace.

Walter0617

Thank you for this post and question! My kids and I are moving my DW's furniture and personal belongings into Memory Care today and she is moving in Monday when she is discharged from a geriatric psychiatric facility. Everyone tells me I am doing the right thing in moving her to Memory Care, including her doctors, social workers at the geri-psych, support group leaders and even my adult children. I have peace about the move and know it is best for her, yet I still feel so terrible about it. I feel like I have a hole in my heart and soul. DW is mid stage 6. I have kept her at home as long as I possibly could. She landed in the geri-psych because she thought I was beating her and trying to kill her. Her paranoia was off the charts. Two weeks in the hospital has brought that under control, but I've been told by the hospital social worker that it would possibly return if I bring her home. So, after almost 45 years of a wonderful marriage, that is where we are. I'm sad. Like Jglee, I'm wondering how often to visit, when to begin visits, etc. I appreciate the suggestion to speak with the staff at the MC. My adult sons are not faring too well, either. I try to put a good front on for them, because I know they are hurting, too. Any words of wisdom from those who have dealt with the transition to MC is appreciated.

M1

Hi Walter. I'm glad you and your sons have each other for support, I'm sure you will need it. It does put a hole in your heart, and the house is going to be awfully quiet. Like you, my partner went to MC from a geripsych hospital, 18 months ago. The house still feels quiet, but at this point I like the quiet (I am and always have been an introvert), and it comforts me because her presence is everywhere.

I have run the gamut from not being able to visit one-on-one at all for the first year of her placement (she was furious with me and begged to go home at every attempt), to visiting every day for a while this summer after we moved to a different facility: she is a life-long claustrophobe, and has done better in a bigger facility with more options for spacing/being outside. Right now we are readjusting after an exhausting hospital stay, and I am again having to figure out a new routine and a new normal: I have had some major health issues myself, and daily visits are just not sustainable (and maybe not the best for her, either, as it kept her too attached to me). So there is clearly no one right answer, and it may change over time.

For you and jglee, both--keep us posted how it goes, there are quite a few of us here with partners, spouses, and siblings in memory care. We help each other survive.

ghphotog

My mom was the exact same way. She kept asking me why she was there and would constantly plan her escape. When I would pick her up she would think it was for good and when the time came to take her back to the MC she would get very very upset, curse me, try to run away. It was very difficult. She is on Zoloft now and that seems to help. She's not as difficult to take back now as she is "sloooowly" adjusting but it's still hard.

I had to always convince myself over and over again that this was the right thing for her and it was.

It broke my heart that my brother, with a healthy wife and 2 grown daughters was not willing to help her and the decision was completly mine. I'm also taking care of a wife with Alz and could no longer take care of both.

ThisLife

I placed my H Sept 1st. I didn't see him for the first month because of work out of town. I then explained to him that he was not coming home. He was not happy. Every visit is why can't I come home, why am I here. He is also early Stage 6 and has anosognosia, so doesn't recognize his deficits. I visit once a week. It's always the same. If I'm not taking him home, he tells me to leave. He can't remember that we have had the discussion that he is not coming home. I talked to the staff who told me that this may be the way it is until he moves on to another stage. He engages in the activities, and I have photos and videos of him smiling and enjoying himself. He just doesn't remember 5 minutes after the activity is over.

LP295

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/187702#Comment_187702

I feel your pain. I am getting ready to place my DH in memory care. It’s just too difficult for me to care for him (I have medical issues) but the guilt is overwhelming. He is in rehab right now and wants to go home every time I visit him. The adult kids don’t seem to understand why he can’t come back home and all this happened so quickly. Of course, they are not with him 24-7. They all have families and certainly couldn’t step in to carry the load. Yes, the decision is mine. I am handling this the best I can with help from counseling and close friends/siblings…taking one day at a time. (((Hugs)))

jglee

Thank you all for sharing your experiences leaving a loved one in Memory Care. It certainly helped me to read your thoughts and understand the pain I feel. I will keep you posted on how things are going soon.

Dio

jglee, I feel your pain. I haven't visited because the one visit was a near-disaster. I won't go into details, but I was an emotional wreck afterwards. So I've decided I won't be visiting for awhile until he reaches a certain stage of calm. I do stay in touch by constantly showing up at the MCF to drop off meds, get updates from staff on how DH is doing, and discuss care tips/solutions to certain problems with the staff.

sbcspin

This disease is horrible.

Walter0617

Since my post last week, I have placed my DW in MC. I went to see her three days in a row. When I arrived she had packed up everything in the room and piled it by the door of her room and insisted on going home. It was quite ugly. After the third day, I felt it would be best for both of us if I didn't visit for a few days. When I did visit yesterday, she was a little more settled, but still had most of her stuff packed and by the door. She did let me unpack some of it since I told her we could always pack it up later. Of course, there will not be a "later." It has helped me to hear that so many on this forum have experienced the same thing with their LO. Fortunately, the staff at the MC are familiar with this behavior and have been very supportive. I would like to take her out for a meal or do something outside the MC, but I know it would not go well. Hopefully, that will change with time. It is hard to go see her and it is hard to not go see her.

Janet77

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/187873#Comment_187873

I’m wishing you well in this decision making alone. My DH’s kids(we have been married 27yrs) still don’t understand that he has dementia so it’s on me.

I read recently: all your decisions about caregiving are right! Because it will work out either way. If you don’t place today you will be making the decision later.

EITHER DECISION WORKS.

I’m hanging on to this

Good Luck

Shroomer

I’m so glad I found this discussion. Everything all of you have posted is what I’m going through now. My DH is 86 and I’m 83 and have no close family for support, it is me alone. He is in a locked care unit. It is so hurtful when they keep asking to come home and having to refuse him and make excuses. Dealing with the guilt is distressing. Sometimes I feel that visiting is more hurtful than helpful. But I need to look after his care and check things out with nursing staff. It is very expensive and that is why I think that most have to have home care. This is a disease that Medicare should help with, but that’s another issue.

darcytg

Thanks for all your sharing. As we're within a month of my LO moving to memory care, it's very comforting to hear your experiences....I feel less alone.

I am despondent over the road ahead.

My LO's POA is thinking that assisted living may be an available option. I am convinced that option is so far in the rearview mirror as to be unseen. We shall see....and find our way.

Peaceful hearts and heads to each of you.

DTSbuddy

My DH lives at home with me, but sometimes he wants to 'go home.' He packs up a backpack, puts on his hat and shoes and either waits for me to take him, or just tries to walk out the door. I have an alarm system that alerts me when he opens a door to the outside and I then can talk him into staying, or I take a walk with him.

DaughterofLO

I am sorry we’re all going through this transition. It is such a hard thing to navigate. We just dropped my LO off at a MCF a week ago. He is sad and constantly telling me about how he doesn’t like it and needs to get home asap. He takes the family pictures off the walls and was packing all his things every day until the staff removed his bags. He’s depressed and isolating. The guilt and grief weighs heavy. I’m already trying to figure out if there’s some other way, but I really think this is best for him. He seems so cognizant sometimes and yet can’t manage daily living tasks. I’m so sad for him.

thank you all for sharing. It does offer some relief to know others are going through the same thing.

terei

My mom took pictures off the wall + packed everything to leave MC for weeks. I unpacked + put everything in place 3 or 4 times, but finally, I just left everything packed til she was resigned to stay after about 3 months + then we were able to put her things into drawers + hang pix.

I would commiserate with her + say ‘the doctor says you have to stay here until you are better. There’s nothing I can do about it. I wish I could’.

549jb

I'm Moving my LO into Assisted living tomorrow. The move has been delayed a few times for various reasons. Most recently a cold/cough. It breaks my heart every day to see him failing. He knows his memory is going and he hates it and wants to be better. Who can blame him for that? In the meantime, I see myself turning into someone I don't like. Raising my voice, etc. It's not and never has been my MO. I'm changing into someone that has very little patience. Not like me at all. All of the above comments I've heard before from friends who have had to go through this experience with their LO. My dear friend just lost her husband of 55 years to this debilitating horror of a disease. It's absolutely heartbreaking. Not sure how tomorrow will go, He wants me to spend the night (which of course I DON"T want to do). Over the past 6 months he has become more dependent on me (because he can't do most things himself) and I am worried I've really messed things up. You all are wonderful and I so appreciate all that you have posted. If there are any other areas I should explore on the site please let me know. Thank you in advance.