just placed in memory care

Welcome, glad you found your way here. I would ask the staff for their advice. You are correct that many times families are advised to stay away for a period of time. It varies, and no one can predict how he will respond. Some adapt quickly, and some do not. My partner has been in memory care for18 months and still frequently packs up to leave, asks to leave with me at every visit. I hope you don't have that experience.

My advice would be to do what you think is easiest on him. Saying this because you are the one who carries this pain longer than it takes him to forget you were there. I didn’t want to cause my husband an ounce of added stress, but heaven knows how upset he was in my absence. You know him best, so however you proceed it’s okay and maybe helpful to experiment by trying both methods and consulting with the staff

Wishing you peace.

Hi Walter. I'm glad you and your sons have each other for support, I'm sure you will need it. It does put a hole in your heart, and the house is going to be awfully quiet. Like you, my partner went to MC from a geripsych hospital, 18 months ago. The house still feels quiet, but at this point I like the quiet (I am and always have been an introvert), and it comforts me because her presence is everywhere.

I have run the gamut from not being able to visit one-on-one at all for the first year of her placement (she was furious with me and begged to go home at every attempt), to visiting every day for a while this summer after we moved to a different facility: she is a life-long claustrophobe, and has done better in a bigger facility with more options for spacing/being outside. Right now we are readjusting after an exhausting hospital stay, and I am again having to figure out a new routine and a new normal: I have had some major health issues myself, and daily visits are just not sustainable (and maybe not the best for her, either, as it kept her too attached to me). So there is clearly no one right answer, and it may change over time.

For you and jglee, both--keep us posted how it goes, there are quite a few of us here with partners, spouses, and siblings in memory care. We help each other survive.

I placed my H Sept 1st. I didn't see him for the first month because of work out of town. I then explained to him that he was not coming home. He was not happy. Every visit is why can't I come home, why am I here. He is also early Stage 6 and has anosognosia, so doesn't recognize his deficits. I visit once a week. It's always the same. If I'm not taking him home, he tells me to leave. He can't remember that we have had the discussion that he is not coming home. I talked to the staff who told me that this may be the way it is until he moves on to another stage. He engages in the activities, and I have photos and videos of him smiling and enjoying himself. He just doesn't remember 5 minutes after the activity is over.

This disease is horrible.

I’m wishing you well in this decision making alone. My DH’s kids(we have been married 27yrs) still don’t understand that he has dementia so it’s on me.

I read recently: all your decisions about caregiving are right! Because it will work out either way. If you don’t place today you will be making the decision later.

EITHER DECISION WORKS.

I’m hanging on to this

Good Luck

Thanks for all your sharing. As we're within a month of my LO moving to memory care, it's very comforting to hear your experiences....I feel less alone.

I am despondent over the road ahead.

My LO's POA is thinking that assisted living may be an available option. I am convinced that option is so far in the rearview mirror as to be unseen. We shall see....and find our way.

Peaceful hearts and heads to each of you.

I am sorry we’re all going through this transition. It is such a hard thing to navigate. We just dropped my LO off at a MCF a week ago. He is sad and constantly telling me about how he doesn’t like it and needs to get home asap. He takes the family pictures off the walls and was packing all his things every day until the staff removed his bags. He’s depressed and isolating. The guilt and grief weighs heavy. I’m already trying to figure out if there’s some other way, but I really think this is best for him. He seems so cognizant sometimes and yet can’t manage daily living tasks. I’m so sad for him.

thank you all for sharing. It does offer some relief to know others are going through the same thing.

I'm Moving my LO into Assisted living tomorrow. The move has been delayed a few times for various reasons. Most recently a cold/cough. It breaks my heart every day to see him failing. He knows his memory is going and he hates it and wants to be better. Who can blame him for that? In the meantime, I see myself turning into someone I don't like. Raising my voice, etc. It's not and never has been my MO. I'm changing into someone that has very little patience. Not like me at all. All of the above comments I've heard before from friends who have had to go through this experience with their LO. My dear friend just lost her husband of 55 years to this debilitating horror of a disease. It's absolutely heartbreaking. Not sure how tomorrow will go, He wants me to spend the night (which of course I DON"T want to do). Over the past 6 months he has become more dependent on me (because he can't do most things himself) and I am worried I've really messed things up. You all are wonderful and I so appreciate all that you have posted. If there are any other areas I should explore on the site please let me know. Thank you in advance.