Mother insisting on having credit cards back & otherwise controlling her life (and mine!)

MP8

I am at wits' end once again.

When my mother moved to AL about 4 months ago, she left her credit and debit cards and checkbook with me, along with her state-issued ID. I took them when we ate out or went to the store so that she could pay, and she returned them to me. This worked well for around two months.

Since then, she has become increasingly insistent that I return her cards and checkbook to her and now sends multiple texts or leaves voicemails every day saying she needs them back. She is also insisting on coming to my house to go through her belongings to take them to her room.

I see these are related issues in her mind, an attempt to regain control of her life. She definitely has anasognosia and is angry about not having the freedom to do everything as she likes.

PERSONAL ITEMS: The stated purpose of coming to my house is to decide what more she wants in her AL room. The biggest issues are:

1) she will want everything and there isn't space - she has long since lost the ability to parse decisions so the only option she can handle is to take everything; we saw this in the cross-country move where she insisted on bringing empty plastic grocery bags, even those carefully folded, placed in larger bags, and labeled "empty bags - broken handles.";

2) she will be unable to find something that may or may not exist and this will lead to accusations of thievery, etc. against my son and me, the only two family members who live here.

Is there any reason I'm missing that should be considered to allow her to come back here?

I have taken some sentimental items so her room can feel like "home" and if she asked for anything specific (which she doesn't; she can't remember what she has), and I could find it, I would take it.

FINANCES: Her finances were a mess when she moved in with me and we straightened them out over the last 1.5 years. My brother, who has DPOA but does not live nearby, has instructed me NOT to return cards/checkbook to her. The AL is cashless, and the room is billed for excursions or other paid events at the end of the month. I provided my mother with some cash and a gift card, but she took those as an insult. (Also, she seems to have lost the initial $60 I gave her.) I've seen suggestions on these boards about putting expired cards in wallets, but I think my mother is still cognizant enough to notice.

Any ideas to calm her down and become less fixated on her finances?

VISITS: Finally, the daily attacks because I won't do what she wants is grinding me down. I used to visit every day but have cut way down. Sometimes, I sneak in when I know she will be at a meal or activity to make sure she has necessities like Kleenex, soap, etc. I no longer take her shopping or out to eat because the focus becomes on the credit/debit cards, coming to my house, etc. The last time she had a doctor's appointment, she yelled at me 30 minutes each way.

Is it okay to limit my visits to what is absolutely necessary? Or is it better to go frequently, even if it upsets her in the short term?

I can never seem to write a short post, so thank you for reading and letting me vent. I'd appreciate any thoughts.

Quilting brings calm

Yes it’s perfectly okay to limit your visits. Also to send her calls to voicemail until you are ready to talk to her. Your mental health trumps her being able to have someone to complain to. The AL will call you if they need you. In addition, your response to her inquiries about her cards ‘ Brother is the POA Mom, he handles your finances, take it up with him’.

terei

Is she with it enough to recognize if a c card is actually usable? Or if it’s even a credit card? Give her expired cards or cards that arent c cards at all. If you give her the actual cards, she will use them or lose them. I ended up giving my mom fake $20 bills because she kept giving money to everyone at the AL. She didnt recognize they were fake. She wanted her driver’s license so I gave her a laminated copy + she was ok with that. No way would I have given her a checkbook or cards. They would have disappeared immediately since she was hiding everything.

Limiting your contact is fine. They will contact you if there is an emergency. It sounds like you are a trigger for her agitation, which is bad for you AND her.

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harshedbuzz

@MP8

I am so very sorry dementia is putting you through the ringer. I think your concerns are completely valid and that you seem to have a real sense of where your mom is emotionally right now.

In your shoes, I wonder if she should be moved closer to her dPOA since he has the power in this dynamic. You are hamstrung by not having the tools you need to help her.

If that's not doable, I totally agree with others that you seem to be triggering to her. I would limit visits to "as needed" and restrict them to the public areas of the facility. I wouldn't consider taking her home and I would cease treats like dining out for the time being. If the facility has a geri psych affiliated, I would consider medication to help her get "unstuck" assuming dPOA agrees.

Regarding "stuff". I wouldn't bring her and risk the accusations. When I moved my parents north to be nearer me, my dad accused me of stealing his picture of the dancing girls. We were hanging art in the new house and hung an impressionist-style scene of a Paris street they'd bought 20 years before. Dad rounded on me and accused me of taking its mate. Mom had no idea what he was talking about. I asked him to flesh out the picture I took and he described a Degas titled "The Star". He though I swiped his Degas-- no wonder he was so salty. They had a poster from an exhibit that featured this painting in their first apartment in 1959. Mom didn't remember it until I found a picture of it in the background of some Christmas pictures.

HB

Emily 123

Hi MP8,

I think you had mentioned earlier in October that your mom was misplacing new tubes of toothpaste at a rate of about two a week. My guess is that she might be at a point in the disease where she spends periods of time looking for and rearranging items over & over. I don't think that's uncommon. My mom sure did. Unfortunately she's going to call you each time she looks for the things she realizes are missing. It's ok to send her calls to voicemail and call her back on your schedule.

Since your mom has a small amount of cash on hand, maybe use a fiblet & tell her that your brother is requesting cards and checks with her new address on them, and leave a note in her purse or wallet for her to that effect. Or, Amazon has fake checks and decoy credit cards you can order, if you want to go that route--the visual might be enough for her.

My mom did ok with me holding on to her credit cards because she did think that they might be unsafe at the facility--that was an answer that satisfied her. She does have some of her other old cards in her wallet, like her library card, blood donor, etc.

Mainly, I address situations that come up as if she's made the decisions and has some agency. And that helps her feel like she has some control. She believes she toured & selected her facility, because why wouldn't she do that? And so I reinforce that when we talk. When she asked, early on, about items from her house I would talk as if she had selected the items she wanted for her move, decorated her room, and that she put everything else in storage, and then compliment the heck out of how nice the room looked. One time she asked to go look at the storage place (yikes!) and the fiblet was ''I don't have the key, but we can go next week'', so she forgot. For clothes, I tell her that she's left a few (insert opposite season clothing item here) at my house--''Do you want them? I can bring them next week''.

It's ok to not visit if the visits result in agitation, and it's normal to feel guilty as all get out too no matter what you do.

MN Chickadee

I would use therapeutic fibs and definitely not bring her home to get more stuff or return her financial things. It sounds like no good can come of that, because getting more of her things won't actually make her happy. She will still be lost and confused from this horrible disease and looking for something that doesn't exist. Stay away for a while, maybe you aren't feeling well or have covid or have a big project you are working on. You don't have to tell her she is never getting her cards and checks back, just kick the can down the road. Tell her the cards are expiring and you're waiting on new ones. Or you forgot them this time since you came right from work but you will get them to her soon (and rinse and repeat.) Whatever it takes. Limit visits and calls if it helps, she is in a safe place and staff will call you if needed. Eventually she will move on from this so stay strong in order to protect her finances that you have worked hard for a long time to fix on her behalf.

forbarbara

I spent a bunch of time figuring out blank checks when my MIL went through this phase. By the time I got it worked out she had moved on and forgotten all about it. She hasn’t asked about money since then.

this is all still new me - just starting year 2 - and I’ve learned to wait a few weeks by using fiblets. That way I can see which of her anxieties are temporary and save myself a lot of stress.

I’ve also learned to recognize each issue as a symptom of her dementia. I’m constantly reading about someone’s experience in this forum and thinking “ oh wow we went through the same thing”. Money seems to be one of those.

goid luck and take good care of yourself.

kgriffin2023

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/187633#Comment_187633

I think me and my wife have it the worst as her grandmother is violent and her uncle that is grandmas son has FTD due to a lobotomy and he is acting out at moment causing all kinds of hurdles with her guardianship. Seems to be a common theme of OCD in concerns to money. They would daily log into online banking and write down account balances on post-it notes. He does not understand the legal process of guardianship and is upset that he doesn't have access to be supported by his mothers money. I am wondering do a bring her a briefcase full of prop money if this might placate her as she is violent and holding a grudge. Has attacked her sitter in psych hold numerous times.

jfkoc

Sounds like a no-win situation all around.

How about a Hall Pass to use when needed and a Gold Star for being a great daughter.

usernamesarehard

I feel like I could have written this post myself. My dad is in memory care AL, doesn’t know what year it is, can’t remember the word “bank,” and doesn’t remember how to write a check — and is absolutely insistent that he needs his credit card. He is also trying to basically project manage me into doing things he knows he can’t do himself, like edit and submit an article he doesn’t remember writing and insists he didn’t (but I’m still somehow responsible for editing?).

My approach has varied. I’ve tried reasoning with him, which is obviously impossible. I’ve tried kicking the can down the road, which at least gets me off the hook for a little while. I’ve tried refusing, which works until he has forgotten that I refused, at which point the whole cycle starts over again. I’m not going to give him his credit or debit card. I think that’s a fun way of inviting identity theft or fraud, either of which is worse than pissing him off. I guess my advice to you is not to give her the card, end visits early if they’re upsetting her (I did this myself with my dad on Saturday), don’t answer every phone call, etc. You and I might just have to keep using our imperfect approaches even though they make us uncomfortable. It won’t last forever. (Is what I keep telling myself.)

MP8

Thank you so much for your responses. I feel very supported here by people who know this journey.

I really appreciate all the support for not visiting all the time.

Quilting brings calm and terei, great point that the AL will get in touch when needed. I have a tendency towards being over-responsible to everyone for everything, and this was a reminder that we are paying others to help with the burden of day-to-day care.

terei, at this point my mother still recognizes real money and actual credit and debit cards. At some point, if she is still fixated, I'll be able to take up these suggestions. Very helpful.

Victoria2020, I smiled at "You are the priceless person she can't afford to lose to stress." We probably all need to have this taped to our fridges, bathroom mirrors, or wherever else we will see it repeatedly. I will watch the video this evening.

harshedbuzz, yesterday my mother texted repeatedly that she needed her magnifying glass (her eyesight is not good, even with correction). We'd taken one to the AL and placed it in her desk, so I reminded her. Then, in an effort to be helpful, I ordered one from Amazon that was hands-free (she wanted to do some kind of crafting) that had an LED light, etc., and had it delivered to her room. She is now furious that I didn't bring her a specific one (not even sure which one it is; I've found four tucked into various boxes, and that's not counting the one in her AL room or anything in storage - or tucked somewhere else here). She is accusing my son of taking it. No good deed . . .

But that really brings home your point about not doing any of this. I should have come back here and read before ordering!

Your anecdote about the Degas made me laugh. My parents were very interested in art and antiques and a lot of my young childhood was spent in museums and antique shops. I can see exactly this conversation unfolding with my mom.

Emily 123, you are so right about the guilt.

I did silence the text conversation and am having calls go directly to voicemail but the next time I see my mother, I will change my number on her phone to a Google Voice number. I don't have the app on my phone and use a dedicated email for that number so it will truly be out of sight, out of mind.

On the toothpaste - yes! I had no soon gone through various options and ordered a toothpaste dispenser than the credit card and personal items came to the fore and - surprise! - the toothpaste stopped being "stolen." As forbarbara says, the focus of anxiety can shift suddenly. I think this is one of the many lessons I am still learning. Whatever the perceived "problem" is, changes, while I am still lurching around trying to solve the previous "problem." Trying to keep that perspective, rather than diving into the rabbit warren to fix things each and every time and getting lost in all the twists and turns would be helpful. An opportunity for growth!

MN Chickadee, my house is being renovated. I actually plan to do this soon, but in the meantime, I can do it in my mind. Thanks.

usernamesarehard, I couldn't agree more. Thank goodness for this message board. 

kgriffin2023, so sorry to hear what you are going through. Managing a situation with multiple people and physical aggression makes a difficult situation even more challenging. I hope the guardianship comes through quickly and you are able to find solutions that will make the path ahead easier.

jfkoc, I will take them!

Thank you all again. This has been so helpful and I appreciate all of you.

harshedbuzz

@MP8

The sexy new handsfree lighted magnifying glass on a stand trends into "new technology" territory. PWD don't have the working or short term memory to learn how to use new things. This applies even if that new thing is a simpler approach (like not being hand-held) to something they already use.

There are many posts here from people seeking an easier to use TV remote or mobile phone for their LO only to have long term posters share tales of all of the ways in which their own attempts at this failed. There came a point while dad was still at home with mom that he couldn't reliably use the Xfinity remote which was kind of a blessing as a few months prior he'd spent over $600 on Pay-per-View NBA and NHL All Season Access and bought Guardians of the Galaxy with said device.

A few months later he had trouble changing channels and controlling volume. Mom mentioned this at our IRL support group and one of the gentlemen there offered to give her "The Flipper" which is a TV remote designed for those with dementia to be easier to use. He felt he waited too long to give it to his wife as she couldn't use it. Mom gave it a try, but dad simply could not figure it out. When she returned it at the next meaning the man shared that he'd lent it out to 3 other folks and not one of their PWD was successful with it. A few weeks later dad was pointing his phone or the remote for the ceiling fan as often as the Xfinity one with about the same rate of success.

HB

PS It's a bummer about the lit magnifier. My mom has terrible vision as a result of a few bouts of Giant Cell Arteritis, a damaged optic nerve and AMD. I bought one on Amazon a few years back and it has allowed her to read again. It did have a bit of a learning curve as you have to move the material rather than the glass which did take some getting used to.

SusanB-dil

@MP8 Some banks have 'money cards' that you control. It looks like a credit card, works like a credit card, but only has funds on it that you put on there. If the money card is misplaced, the only funds are what you have put on it, and can remove. The other option might be a Visa Prepaid card that works the same way. The money card would have your name on it, but a Visa prepaid might be able to be set up with her name, but not sure. If she is still pursuing the credit card thing, might wish to look into it.

ButterflyWings

You have received some great feedback and suggestions here. We have so many shared experiences in this labyrinth called dementia caregiving!

My comment is a little random, addressing your note about taking some things of sentimental value to her AL space for comfort. That might backfire, since things can go missing in that setting as you and many others have experienced. I'd just consider carefully if maybe some special items ought not to be sent to AL or MC, possibly never to be seen again. Especially when our PWD LOs forget the items' significance, or that they are even there eventually, anyway. Just a thought.

harshedbuzz

Cobbling onto what @ButterflyWings said about items of sentimental value disappearing at the hands of the resident AL/MCF shopper, there are other reasons not to.

We didn't overly personalize dad's suite at the MCF because we presented the situation as temporary rehab at a fancy place with all private rooms where he would stay until his doctor felt he was well enough to come home. To that end, we supplied new linens and decorated as if it was a Holiday Inn. Over time, we added a picture of mom as a young woman and one of my sister and I and a team throw and stuff from his den to "keep him company".

HB

Iris L.

You all are obsessing too much. Your LOs can't remember what they are doing or where things are or what's going on.

Iris