Mother insisting on having credit cards back & otherwise controlling her life (and mine!)

Is she with it enough to recognize if a c card is actually usable? Or if it’s even a credit card? Give her expired cards or cards that arent c cards at all. If you give her the actual cards, she will use them or lose them. I ended up giving my mom fake $20 bills because she kept giving money to everyone at the AL. She didnt recognize they were fake. She wanted her driver’s license so I gave her a laminated copy + she was ok with that. No way would I have given her a checkbook or cards. They would have disappeared immediately since she was hiding everything.

Limiting your contact is fine. They will contact you if there is an emergency. It sounds like you are a trigger for her agitation, which is bad for you AND her.

@MP8

I am so very sorry dementia is putting you through the ringer. I think your concerns are completely valid and that you seem to have a real sense of where your mom is emotionally right now.

In your shoes, I wonder if she should be moved closer to her dPOA since he has the power in this dynamic. You are hamstrung by not having the tools you need to help her.

If that's not doable, I totally agree with others that you seem to be triggering to her. I would limit visits to "as needed" and restrict them to the public areas of the facility. I wouldn't consider taking her home and I would cease treats like dining out for the time being. If the facility has a geri psych affiliated, I would consider medication to help her get "unstuck" assuming dPOA agrees.

Regarding "stuff". I wouldn't bring her and risk the accusations. When I moved my parents north to be nearer me, my dad accused me of stealing his picture of the dancing girls. We were hanging art in the new house and hung an impressionist-style scene of a Paris street they'd bought 20 years before. Dad rounded on me and accused me of taking its mate. Mom had no idea what he was talking about. I asked him to flesh out the picture I took and he described a Degas titled "The Star". He though I swiped his Degas-- no wonder he was so salty. They had a poster from an exhibit that featured this painting in their first apartment in 1959. Mom didn't remember it until I found a picture of it in the background of some Christmas pictures.

HB

I would use therapeutic fibs and definitely not bring her home to get more stuff or return her financial things. It sounds like no good can come of that, because getting more of her things won't actually make her happy. She will still be lost and confused from this horrible disease and looking for something that doesn't exist. Stay away for a while, maybe you aren't feeling well or have covid or have a big project you are working on. You don't have to tell her she is never getting her cards and checks back, just kick the can down the road. Tell her the cards are expiring and you're waiting on new ones. Or you forgot them this time since you came right from work but you will get them to her soon (and rinse and repeat.) Whatever it takes. Limit visits and calls if it helps, she is in a safe place and staff will call you if needed. Eventually she will move on from this so stay strong in order to protect her finances that you have worked hard for a long time to fix on her behalf.

I think me and my wife have it the worst as her grandmother is violent and her uncle that is grandmas son has FTD due to a lobotomy and he is acting out at moment causing all kinds of hurdles with her guardianship. Seems to be a common theme of OCD in concerns to money. They would daily log into online banking and write down account balances on post-it notes. He does not understand the legal process of guardianship and is upset that he doesn't have access to be supported by his mothers money. I am wondering do a bring her a briefcase full of prop money if this might placate her as she is violent and holding a grudge. Has attacked her sitter in psych hold numerous times.

I feel like I could have written this post myself. My dad is in memory care AL, doesn’t know what year it is, can’t remember the word “bank,” and doesn’t remember how to write a check — and is absolutely insistent that he needs his credit card. He is also trying to basically project manage me into doing things he knows he can’t do himself, like edit and submit an article he doesn’t remember writing and insists he didn’t (but I’m still somehow responsible for editing?).

My approach has varied. I’ve tried reasoning with him, which is obviously impossible. I’ve tried kicking the can down the road, which at least gets me off the hook for a little while. I’ve tried refusing, which works until he has forgotten that I refused, at which point the whole cycle starts over again. I’m not going to give him his credit or debit card. I think that’s a fun way of inviting identity theft or fraud, either of which is worse than pissing him off. I guess my advice to you is not to give her the card, end visits early if they’re upsetting her (I did this myself with my dad on Saturday), don’t answer every phone call, etc. You and I might just have to keep using our imperfect approaches even though they make us uncomfortable. It won’t last forever. (Is what I keep telling myself.)

@MP8

The sexy new handsfree lighted magnifying glass on a stand trends into "new technology" territory. PWD don't have the working or short term memory to learn how to use new things. This applies even if that new thing is a simpler approach (like not being hand-held) to something they already use.

There are many posts here from people seeking an easier to use TV remote or mobile phone for their LO only to have long term posters share tales of all of the ways in which their own attempts at this failed. There came a point while dad was still at home with mom that he couldn't reliably use the Xfinity remote which was kind of a blessing as a few months prior he'd spent over $600 on Pay-per-View NBA and NHL All Season Access and bought Guardians of the Galaxy with said device.

A few months later he had trouble changing channels and controlling volume. Mom mentioned this at our IRL support group and one of the gentlemen there offered to give her "The Flipper" which is a TV remote designed for those with dementia to be easier to use. He felt he waited too long to give it to his wife as she couldn't use it. Mom gave it a try, but dad simply could not figure it out. When she returned it at the next meaning the man shared that he'd lent it out to 3 other folks and not one of their PWD was successful with it. A few weeks later dad was pointing his phone or the remote for the ceiling fan as often as the Xfinity one with about the same rate of success.

HB

PS It's a bummer about the lit magnifier. My mom has terrible vision as a result of a few bouts of Giant Cell Arteritis, a damaged optic nerve and AMD. I bought one on Amazon a few years back and it has allowed her to read again. It did have a bit of a learning curve as you have to move the material rather than the glass which did take some getting used to.

You have received some great feedback and suggestions here. We have so many shared experiences in this labyrinth called dementia caregiving!

My comment is a little random, addressing your note about taking some things of sentimental value to her AL space for comfort. That might backfire, since things can go missing in that setting as you and many others have experienced. I'd just consider carefully if maybe some special items ought not to be sent to AL or MC, possibly never to be seen again. Especially when our PWD LOs forget the items' significance, or that they are even there eventually, anyway. Just a thought.

You all are obsessing too much. Your LOs can't remember what they are doing or where things are or what's going on.

Iris