Sibling does not help nor gives support!

Sara S

I have been a caregiver of my Mom since 2017. Her onset was around age 66. She is now 77 Years. Even before her diagnosis which was offically at 70 years ( I had known she was losing her memory) my twin sister never wanted or even wants today to deal with it in any way. Not only has very minimal contact with our Mom but, doesnt support me at all. It has made me very angry at her . She has even said to me " It is what it is with Mom" I am not only greving the decline of our Mom ,but the loss of any relationship with my twin sister as well. She has always been self absorbed ,but this is heartbreaking. I would have never treated her this way if the caregiver role was reversed. I was just wondering if any one else has their own story about this type of situation? I am just know looking into support groups etc. After 7 Years of this heartbreaking journey I now need my own help. Thanks

Quilting brings calm

It is actually very common. Some people not only don’t have support- they have differing ideas of how to care for their parents, where to care for them, how much it should cost.

All you can do is admit to yourself that she won’t help and make decisions with that in mind. For example - don’t plan on continuing to do this yourself and think she will give you respite breaks when she won’t. Don’t depend on her financially helping when she won’t. Admit she won’t, and decide whether or not to hire additional help or to consider a facility placement based on that knowledge. Take your own needs into account. You have to protect your own health, physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.

In terms of my own story: I have two full siblings and three step-siblings. My mom and step-dad have been in assisted living for 4 years this month. One sibling has not been in the state in that time. The other has been in the state once, but the AL was restricted from visitation due to covid then. That sibling did help me get them ready to move back to our state so we could put them in the AL. Neither call them, and seldom call me.

The step-siblings live closer to the AL than I do. They came back into the picture for a few months in 2021 after decades long absence. Step-dad behaved badly and the son got into a shouting match with him over the phone and they disappeared again. I called them to help me with their dad and my mom a couple months later while I recovered from a car accident - they refused. Haven’t heard from them since. Have no plans to call them until the inevitable happens.

terei

This is more common than not. I’m not sure why this is. I have two brothers who did as much as they could due to geography, kept in constant contact but left all decision making to me without interference. They were more than grateful I was handling everything with mom + dad with the help of my own DD.

HOWEVER, I knew I did not want or was capable of mom’s 24/7 care + she was in AL + MC during her entire illness. It is still a strain, but not close to those who choose or are forced into full time caretaking.

forbarbara

My MIL has 4 stepchildren including my husband but she asked me to be her POA. Turns out she knew what she was doing. I’m pretty much on my own. I confess to a lot of resentment but at the end of the day I just do what’s right for me and for her.

I’m sorry you have to experience this abandonment but I hope this online community can be your tribe.

GothicGremlin

Welcome @Sara S .

I know exactly how it is with a self-absorbed sibling. My brother is exactly that.

Like the others who have posted, I was at first angry, but I'm not that good at holding on to anger, so I let it go. I guess I've forgiven him, but I won't ever forget that he's never once offered any help. Every once in a blue moon he'll go visit our sister in memory care, but that's about all he does.

Like @terei says, siblings and other family members disappearing really does seem to be common, and I also have no idea why that is. Definitely my experience.

eaglemom

Sadly, as others have said, its way too common. Of course some family members will claim distance as the excuse - its not. Others are too busy - everyone is busy. They will have an excuse & the excuse is to make them feel better. What it does though, is upset you. The one whom is doing the caregiving, making the decisions, watching the decline and possibly receiving all of the phone calls.

When you expect nothing of the family members and they do nothing, you can't be disappointed. Lower your expiations that they will show up for you or your parent. That sounds so cold & distant while I type it, but it is. There is nothing you can do to make them step up to the situation. Therefore, you have to make it where its easiest on you and stop expecting anything of them.

Please do forgive my bluntness, I just don't know of any other way to phrase it.

eagle

storycrafter

Sara, that is VERY sad about your sister's lack of support. I'm so sorry you have that on top of everything. Of course you are grieving that loss also in the midst of the losses caregiving itself inevitably brings. It's good you are reaching out here. Keep reaching out until you find the support you need. We cannot do it alone.

I have a sibling who lives in the area, but I cannot depend on her for anything. I've learned that about her and have had to let go of any expectations from that direction. I found peace when I accepted the situation and now work to improve my own self care.

Maybe you've already checked out local senior/dementia/center on aging resources, but if not, that's an important place to go. The local Alz Association can provide very helpful information about local resources and can help brainstorm solutions to questions and problems that arise.

I've gradually built my own support system as I care for my husband with FTD. The local center on aging has classes for physical fitness and I've really benefited from those, improving my own health. I've also found a good counselor, familar with family dynamics and dementia, which has been so helpful as I cope with our situation.

I hope you find help and I wish you all the support you need.

SDianeL

So sorry you are going through this. Sadly many family members do. Some people just can't face it. Your Mom is lucky to have you. I haven't really found any support groups to be that convenient, available or helpful. Time of day is wrong and getting respite care to go is challenging. I would ask your doctor for a referral to a counselor who can help while you look for a group. Is your Mom able to go to day care? Many counties have senior centers that may help. They are fee based on ability to pay. This online group is my lifeline. How about hiring respite care so you can get away?

harshedbuzz

Sadly, this is typical. There's nothing like a parent who needs significant care to break up a family.

The only thing you can control is how you react to the behavior of others. Dwelling on the unfairness of this is letting sis live rent-free in your head which isn't doing you any good. In stage 8, you will be able to rest easy knowing you did the right thing.

I found the IRL support very valuable. It complements this site well-- while there's a greater depth and breadth of experience here, a local support group can tell you about which home care services and day programs are best, point you to the best-fit MCF if that's part of your plan and even point you to a hair stylist who does house calls.

When dad was diagnosed, I got mom a psychiatrist for meds and a talk therapist for support on top of the IRL group we attended.

HB

Sara S

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/188149#Comment_188149

Thank you for your story! I just can't understand how siblings can do this

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/188150#Comment_188150

Thank you!

Sara S

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/188193#Comment_188193

Thank you! i understand what you are saying!

NUMber2

@Sara S

My brother is POA and refuses to do anything to help my mom, short of tossing her into ANY AL/MC facility. He has left everything up to me. I completely understand your frustration, confusion and resentment. He refuses to talk to me. I really don't care if I ever speak with him again but I could go for familial support.

jellyb

My brother lives on the other side of the country and is disabled. In the beginning, he absolutely refused any sort of help, even declined being the second person on the POA in case I was incapacitated. I just let it be although it did hurt. My son signed the POA, then a couple months later my brother seemed to realize how much I was dealing with. He started offering to call my mom on days when I was really tired and he would talk to her (or let HER talk) for an hour. It really made a difference to her and her happiness made my life easier. I really wasn’t expecting anything more. but when I confessed I had serious financial difficulty from helping our mom and being unable to go back to work because of it, he sent me a check large enough to cover my mortgage for that month.
I never expected it, and you can bet I cried when the check came. it made such a huge difference to me. I’m not suggesting that the same thing will happen with you, but I followed other peoples advice and severely lowered my expectations of help from my sibling. After I did that, the smallest bit of help really seemed to make an impact on my mood.

JDancer

Perhaps your twin could do something like the phone call described above. Have you asked? Sometimes others don't know what to do, but may respond to specific requests. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Your PWD is blessed to have you.