Sibling does not help nor gives support!

It is actually very common. Some people not only don’t have support- they have differing ideas of how to care for their parents, where to care for them, how much it should cost.

All you can do is admit to yourself that she won’t help and make decisions with that in mind. For example - don’t plan on continuing to do this yourself and think she will give you respite breaks when she won’t. Don’t depend on her financially helping when she won’t. Admit she won’t, and decide whether or not to hire additional help or to consider a facility placement based on that knowledge. Take your own needs into account. You have to protect your own health, physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.

In terms of my own story: I have two full siblings and three step-siblings. My mom and step-dad have been in assisted living for 4 years this month. One sibling has not been in the state in that time. The other has been in the state once, but the AL was restricted from visitation due to covid then. That sibling did help me get them ready to move back to our state so we could put them in the AL. Neither call them, and seldom call me.

The step-siblings live closer to the AL than I do. They came back into the picture for a few months in 2021 after decades long absence. Step-dad behaved badly and the son got into a shouting match with him over the phone and they disappeared again. I called them to help me with their dad and my mom a couple months later while I recovered from a car accident - they refused. Haven’t heard from them since. Have no plans to call them until the inevitable happens.

My MIL has 4 stepchildren including my husband but she asked me to be her POA. Turns out she knew what she was doing. I’m pretty much on my own. I confess to a lot of resentment but at the end of the day I just do what’s right for me and for her.

I’m sorry you have to experience this abandonment but I hope this online community can be your tribe.

Sadly, as others have said, its way too common. Of course some family members will claim distance as the excuse - its not. Others are too busy - everyone is busy. They will have an excuse & the excuse is to make them feel better. What it does though, is upset you. The one whom is doing the caregiving, making the decisions, watching the decline and possibly receiving all of the phone calls.

When you expect nothing of the family members and they do nothing, you can't be disappointed. Lower your expiations that they will show up for you or your parent. That sounds so cold & distant while I type it, but it is. There is nothing you can do to make them step up to the situation. Therefore, you have to make it where its easiest on you and stop expecting anything of them.

Please do forgive my bluntness, I just don't know of any other way to phrase it.

eagle

So sorry you are going through this. Sadly many family members do. Some people just can't face it. Your Mom is lucky to have you. I haven't really found any support groups to be that convenient, available or helpful. Time of day is wrong and getting respite care to go is challenging. I would ask your doctor for a referral to a counselor who can help while you look for a group. Is your Mom able to go to day care? Many counties have senior centers that may help. They are fee based on ability to pay. This online group is my lifeline. How about hiring respite care so you can get away?

@Sara S

My brother is POA and refuses to do anything to help my mom, short of tossing her into ANY AL/MC facility. He has left everything up to me. I completely understand your frustration, confusion and resentment. He refuses to talk to me. I really don't care if I ever speak with him again but I could go for familial support.

Perhaps your twin could do something like the phone call described above. Have you asked? Sometimes others don't know what to do, but may respond to specific requests. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Your PWD is blessed to have you.