Caring for a spouse AND a parent

PJ52

Ten months after we moved to our retirement home, which is five hours from friends and even farther from family, DH was diagnosed with AD (early stage, and possible candidate for new treatment - we'll know more next month). I am also the sole caregiver for my 93yo mother, who has moderate, age-related dementia, but is otherwise in good health. When we moved, we brought her into our home, which is easier than my running back and forth to her senior apartment, where she had lived for just one year before we decided to move out of state. Fortunately, that move put us closer to a major AD research/treatment university hospital where DH will be seen. I'm trying not to panic, but I feel overwhelmed and wondering if I should put my precious mom through another move and back to a senior or assisted living facility now before DH becomes worse, or wait until it becomes more necessary. She knows it may become necessary. I keep thinking of worst case scenarios where I may have a medical emergency and there is no one to take care of her or DH. Having an aide come in pt for companion care for mom was actually stressful, for both her and DH. Does anyone have a similar case experience/advice? Moving all of us, again, to be nearer family, is not practical, for many reasons.

charley0419

I feel for you can’t imagine taking care of 2, I know you told mom she may have to move again and ok with it BUT that’s today!

Quilting brings calm

I think you first need to decide whether or not you want to stay where you are or move back to friends and family. It is easier to get someone moved to an AL if you are in the area due to medical clearance and screening requirements. Research your AL options in both states so that you will be ready in whatever location you are in. You may not get much advance warning when the time comes.

ghphotog

I can tell you first hand how difficult this will be as your DH progresses and your mom's dementia and health progress as well. It's a very difficult choice but I think you really need to take some of that pressure off of yourself and move your mother into AL or MC if you can. It will be hard enough in the coming months and possibly years as your DH becomes worse. You should also try to formulate a plan for your DH's care if you at some point become incapacitated either temporarily or permanently. So very stressful.

PJ52

Thank you all!

PJ52

Just an update on my original post from November. Husband started lecanemab and has had two treatments. No issues so far. I just made the difficult decision to move my mother to assisted living in a neighboring state. The community is just one mile from my sister and very near sister's adult children and their families. I am both much relieved, but also conflicted about "giving her up" after being her caretaker for more than 15 years. Although I will retain control of her financial and legal affairs. But this is the best thing for her, as she will have constant care and will have much needed social interaction. She'll also enjoy seeing grandchildren and great-grandchildren more often. Also important, husband has been losing patience with her and speaking sharply to her (which he is not aware of), so it will be less stress for him, as well.

fmb

Pj52, I'm glad you have found a good resolution to the situation. You have not "given up" on her care but are still caring for her just in a different way. It is very good that your mother is surrounded by loving people who will visit and help monitor her care. This leaves you able to focus on caring for your husband and, equally importantly, caring for yourself. My DH is in an AL facility with ALZ, congestive heart failure, and the effects of a stroke. My mother is in a MC facility 1000 miles away with my brother as the point person for her care (we kids all live out of state). I can't imagine having to take care of both of them in facilities let alone in the home.