How to cope with holidays?

Anonymousjpl123

Hi everyone - hoping all of you did ok on the holiday weekend! My holiday was super mixed. Brought my mom home had a good 3 days but it was of course hard transition for her back to MC. Also, I am her punching bag. When she gets upset, she lashes out at me. I am her primary caregiver, there’s only 1 other family member (granddaughter) who visits her, about once a month. So I’m pretty much it besides MC staff.

It’s so hard to care for someone and have it end with abuse. I know there are others here dealing with the same thing! I work hard to care for her over the holiday, we make turkey, she visits with the animals, spends 2 nights, I bring her back. The next day she is livid, telling everyone she knows including granddaughter how terrible I am. MC staff said she was just having a really bad day, she’s had them before.

Part of me says ok, easy: just don’t take her home again. But is that really the right thing to do? I wish I could just walk away, but I can’t and I won’t. I do need to find a better way to cope next holiday.

I wind up feeling guilty no matter what, but I recognize that’s just me, and not rational. Keeping boundaries with someone who is not rational is so hard!

M1

I think you don't take her out of MC. Look hard at what your reasons were-are you projecting your own holiday expectations onto your mom? The holidays typically have no significance for a person with dementia, just as they don't for an infant or toddler. I had Thanksgiving lunch with my partner at her MC, but i don't think it registered with her at all, and neither will Christmas. I realize that it's emotionally hard to give these things up though.

Quilting brings calm

I do not bring my parents to my home for Thanksgiving for various reasons. It’s not usually at my house in the first place, and this year we stayed home by ourselves. In addition, covid was present in the AL. I do not think my parents even noticed it was Thanksgiving. She never mentioned it on the phone. of course, she didn’t mention my birthday yesterday either on yesterday’s phone call.

Emily 123

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/189779#Comment_189779

Happy b’day, QBC! 🎂

Anonymousjpl123

@M1 Sage advice and thanks. My mom was always very into holidays; I do still think she is aware of the season but this will likely be the last year she is. She was definitely aware of Thanksgiving, happy we celebrated. Which means it will be hard to not bring her home for Christmas. Yet she is so up and down. A day removed, I’m pretty sure it’s my own expectations that trip me up. If I do take her home it won’t be longer than one day. I long for when I feel ok staying there with her.

@Quilting brings calm happy birthday! That sucks. I know it seems minor but my birthday was unnoticed too this year and it’s quite the reminder. I hope I can find the ability to stay involved enough that she is cared for, without feeling like I’ve got to be there every time, for every thing.

I am getting used to it, this new normal. I am trying.

Quilting brings calm

@Emily 123 and @Anonymousjpl123

Thank you for the birthday wishes. I got lots of texts and Facebook Happy Birthday messages yesterday, so I did feel the love. She hasn’t remembered for a few years, so yesterday was not a surprise.

Anonymousjpl123

Yay! Well I’m glad you got the birthday love; it’s just such a reminder of the memory loss.

BassetHoundAnn

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/67236/how-to-cope-with-holidays

There comes a point when you can't take them out of memory care. It becomes too traumatic for them. They don't know where they are, or what's going on. They lash out because their daily routine is gone.

The last Christmas I had my mom at my house was pretty traumatic for both of us. Thanksgiving that year was equally bad. I had knocked myself out to make it a good Christmas for her. She always adored the holidays and all the festivities. I wanted her to enjoy herself. But that wasn't possible. She was angry the entire time, lashing out at me. While trying to calm her down I was so frazzled I stumbled into the Christmas tree and knocked it over. Smashed ornaments and broken lights everywhere. A metaphor for the day.

I haven't brought her back to my house for any holidays since that day. Do I feel guilty about it? Yes. And very sad. But there comes a time when holidays mean nothing to them. In her lucid moments she accuses me of abandoning her, saying a good daughter would care for her and not leave her at the memory care. This is such a gut-wrenchingly sad disease for everyone.

Anonymousjpl123

@BassetHoundAnn that is exactly it. It seems like no matter what I do, it’s not going to go well. Today she was more disoriented than ever and I really question whether the visit through her off.

On the other hand, leaving her there for the holidays feels like hell. I try to find things I am grateful for: I am so glad I only went through this with one parent. I’m also grateful my dad didn’t have to weather this alone, which he would have done were he still alive.

Thank you for giving me such clear and Nelson direction

etjames

This will be my 6th year going through the holidays, and it’s not getting any less intimidating. I care for both of my parents, who are in middle and late stage Alz now. It’s been going on for so long and I’ve become so used to surviving, that I think people around me forget what a nightmare this disease is. The holidays can be such a horribly isolating time. I tell my friends that I’m feeling overwhelmed and worried about feeling intense loneliness over the holidays. It’s difficult to feel that much sadness and loneliness and to rely on yourself to survive. With my PCP’s supervision, I increased my anti-depressant dosage. I journal almost everyday. I take mindfulness walks. I volunteer at a local homeless shelter. I take care of my home. I watch movies and read books I love. And still, I can’t figure out how to find other people who are willing to include me and spend time with me. Growing up, I always saw my parents include their friends — whether married with kids, divorced, or single without kids — in the holidays. It’s been shocking to me just how unbothered friends and family can be about leaving you to fend for yourself.

Merla

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226178#Comment_226178

Are you saying that you're on your own for the holidays because you would have celebrated with your parents who have dementia? If so, I'm so sorry. I think that sometimes people are hesitant to extend invites to friends who are alone for the holidays because they don't want the pressure of hosting.

I would also imagine there are different holiday events for people who are alone or away from their family during the holidays. Ie meetups, etc. i once spent Xmas away from family in another country and was so grateful to have been invited to spend it with the family of a friend there. I hadn't realized how lonely it would be until the morning of the 24th.

lizzyt

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226200#Comment_226200

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226178#Comment_226178

This will be my third. I am an only child with no family of my own. The first year a friend and couple of relatives invited me to there homes but it really didn't appeal to me. I work in a hospital so I have volunteered to pick up holiday shifts. It's actually kind of nice. I can try to bring some comfort to patients who probably don't want to be there for the holidays. I always go visit mom and just sit with her too. That's how I prefer to spend my holidays for now. But I am kind of a loaner so that might not be for everyone.

fmb

To be brutally honest, I don't know which is worse, being alone for the holidays or spending them with DH at the ALF. I'm not looking forward to either one. He has no idea it's a special day, and nothing out of the ordinary is done for the residents in the special needs dining room. To make matters worse it is usually a skeleton crew of aides, med techs, and kitchen staff - whoever has the least seniority. I don't expect to be invited to anyone else's celebration, I wasn't last year. (yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself.)

Carl46

My SIL (divorced, no kids) packed in the family dinners years ago, and spends holidays volunteering at places that serve dinner to poor people.

Anonymousjpl123

Before my mom moved here, Christmas and holidays were something I loved. Whether married, dating, single, or divorced - I love the feeling and the time off. Sometimes I went home to family, or stayed in my home. It didn’t matter.

But yes I think there is something especially anxious-making and hard for those of us caring for loved ones in MC or AL. We have this guilt that they should be home.

As you can see from this first post, last year was brutal. This year, my mom is in a new MC and it’s better.

Last night at mom’s place we were talking about the holidays and she wanted to know if they will make everything very “Christmasy-y.” Will they sing? Will there be a tree? Me and some of the gals assured her they will do it up right. It is hard, but we have to start now since she wants to come home with me and I don’t think it will be good for her. I will bring the Christmas to her. They will as well.

@fmb i wish I could visit you and your husband at the AL!

H1235

I know this can’t compare to a LO in MC, but one of the problems I face with my LO is that she will want to go crazy buying gifts for everyone. She is in AL. She doesn’t have the extra money, I don’t want to create issues if she applies for Medicaid, she doesn’t have the ability to keep track of what she is buying and for who but will refuse to let anyone help, she lacks good judgment when making purchases. If we suggest no gifts this year she will get mad. Im not sure how we will handle it. I wish she could just enjoy time with family and let the gifts go.

Anonymousjpl123

@H1235 my mom’s spending was one of the things that tipped us off and forced intervention. She had always been a spender but with cognitive loss it got scary out of control (I maybe waited too long - 2-3 months - to intervene). It was hard to take control of her finances but I had to. Fortunately her in-person banker she trusted actually got concerned and called me, making it easier since we framed it as a legal thing.

After that, we had to navigate what she bought together and it was enormously difficult. I tried to let her buy things so she felt some agency. Now she’s more advanced and doesn’t even think about it.

Can you maybe take her to a discount store? A nice one? I let my mom have spending trips. It helped.