How to cope with holidays?

I think you don't take her out of MC. Look hard at what your reasons were-are you projecting your own holiday expectations onto your mom? The holidays typically have no significance for a person with dementia, just as they don't for an infant or toddler. I had Thanksgiving lunch with my partner at her MC, but i don't think it registered with her at all, and neither will Christmas. I realize that it's emotionally hard to give these things up though.

Happy b’day, QBC! 🎂

@Emily 123 and @Anonymousjpl123

Thank you for the birthday wishes. I got lots of texts and Facebook Happy Birthday messages yesterday, so I did feel the love. She hasn’t remembered for a few years, so yesterday was not a surprise.

There comes a point when you can't take them out of memory care. It becomes too traumatic for them. They don't know where they are, or what's going on. They lash out because their daily routine is gone.

The last Christmas I had my mom at my house was pretty traumatic for both of us. Thanksgiving that year was equally bad. I had knocked myself out to make it a good Christmas for her. She always adored the holidays and all the festivities. I wanted her to enjoy herself. But that wasn't possible. She was angry the entire time, lashing out at me. While trying to calm her down I was so frazzled I stumbled into the Christmas tree and knocked it over. Smashed ornaments and broken lights everywhere. A metaphor for the day.

I haven't brought her back to my house for any holidays since that day. Do I feel guilty about it? Yes. And very sad. But there comes a time when holidays mean nothing to them. In her lucid moments she accuses me of abandoning her, saying a good daughter would care for her and not leave her at the memory care. This is such a gut-wrenchingly sad disease for everyone.

This will be my 6th year going through the holidays, and it’s not getting any less intimidating. I care for both of my parents, who are in middle and late stage Alz now. It’s been going on for so long and I’ve become so used to surviving, that I think people around me forget what a nightmare this disease is. The holidays can be such a horribly isolating time. I tell my friends that I’m feeling overwhelmed and worried about feeling intense loneliness over the holidays. It’s difficult to feel that much sadness and loneliness and to rely on yourself to survive. With my PCP’s supervision, I increased my anti-depressant dosage. I journal almost everyday. I take mindfulness walks. I volunteer at a local homeless shelter. I take care of my home. I watch movies and read books I love. And still, I can’t figure out how to find other people who are willing to include me and spend time with me. Growing up, I always saw my parents include their friends — whether married with kids, divorced, or single without kids — in the holidays. It’s been shocking to me just how unbothered friends and family can be about leaving you to fend for yourself.

To be brutally honest, I don't know which is worse, being alone for the holidays or spending them with DH at the ALF. I'm not looking forward to either one. He has no idea it's a special day, and nothing out of the ordinary is done for the residents in the special needs dining room. To make matters worse it is usually a skeleton crew of aides, med techs, and kitchen staff - whoever has the least seniority. I don't expect to be invited to anyone else's celebration, I wasn't last year. (yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself.)