Neighbor with dementia is physically and otherwise inappropriate

tclane

I rent an apartment. There is a gentleman on the floor where my apartment is located who has both been aggressive with me (trying to push his way into my apartment after offering to help me carry in groceries), physically grabbing me with both of his arms once in the laundry room and this evening, trying to kiss me. There have been a couple of other events such as saying things that were inappropriate. I spoke to the apt manager about it and all she does is tell me she will "speak to his family about it". If she has spoken to his family about it, nothing has had an impact since his behavior hasn't changed. He still lives on his own in his own apartment albeit at the same apartment complex his wife does. His wife actually lives in the same apartment complex herself but in a different building than him. She has told neighbors that she can't live with him because he is too much to handle. His dementia is very noticeable. From day to day he may not even remember that he knows you. He will say things such as he has been hired to work at the apartment complex, etc. I would say his age is in his 70's. He clearly has a dementia problem. I am baffled and confused by him living in his own apartment but notin the same building as his wife. If the two of them lived in the same building, he would have more supervision. This way he would have more supervision. He is in in a completely different building than his wife. The building I live in and on the same floor as me! I am concerned about my level of safety with him. Speaking to the apt. manager hasn't helped. I don't speak directly to his wife about him since my impression of her isn't positive. Her husband, the one with the dementia was once staring at my breasts as I was in the hallway to the building heading for the main door. I told him to stop and she called me a curse word. I don't believe she saw what he was doing but it was quite obvious and she and her husband were walking down stairs so maybe she didn't see it. But I did and it was my responsibility to let him know that as a paying tenant I did not expect him as my neighbor to be staring at me in a sexual manner. I was quite surprised when his wife lashed out. The apt manager did verify that he has made inappropriate remarks to some women here however that was when he first moved in about 2 years ago. The fact that he tried to kiss me tonight in the hallway is disturbing. I pay money to live here and his harassment of me is making my life here uncomfortable. I lived here before he did and am not going to move because of him. He didn't actually physically touch me this time. He started to lean in to kiss me and in the process "asked" if he could kiss me. I said "no!" and then told him such behavior was unacceptable and if he did it again I would "report" him. But who do I report him to? When he tried to physically push his way into my apartment the one time I did contact the non-emergency line of the local police department. They told me they could send someone out. I told them I would like to give him one more chance as I know he has a problem. They insisted it would be a good idea for me to make a report but I didn't have the courage. Now after tonight's episode, I don't how what to do about him. I am nothing more than a tenant here. I am not friends with him, I am not friends with his wife. Except for the fact we live on the same floor in the apt. complex, he and I (and his wife) really are strangers. What is the best approach to take with someone who is being permitted to essentially live on his own with his wife "supervising" him from another apartment in another building? His wife recently told us he keeps losing his keys and asked people in the building if we would mind leaving the building door which is supposed to be securely locked door, unlocked so he can get in and out. Since that time, the secure dog is unlocked so John and come and go since he keeps losing his keys. I am fed up with him but don't know how to handle his behavior. I don't know who can make him move into the same building as his wife or have his wife move into this building! That is what needs to happen. He should not be living on his own. Who do I report his behaviors to? I am sick of giving him second chances and I realize he had dementia (his own wife won't live with him) but I can't handle his actions toward me. The apt. manager as I said only replies with "I will let his family know". Should I start calling the police when he does things?

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M1

Welcome to the forum. There is a free 24/7 hotline that might have some ideas for you-1-800-272-3900, ask to speak to a care consultant. I would also consider calling your local council on aging and adult protective services. You are absolutely within your rights to report him, sadly. The fact that he has dementia does not entitle him to put the rest of the community at risk. I'm sorry, i can only imagine how uncomfortable this is.

Phoenix1966

Unfortunately, you need to call the police and file the appropriate reports with them. Some of what he’s doing to you would be considered assault, I believe. And reach out to the building owner since the manager has been unhelpful. Express your personal safety concerns along with the newer issue of the unsecured main door. Let the owner know they are going to be liable when a tenant gets potentially robbed and/or assaulted due to the ongoing safety issues unaddressed by the building manager.

This is what I would do in your situation.

terei

Do not allow this to continue. Call the police + make a report now. People with dementia can get fixated on one subject or another…yes, they have a disease, but you do not have to be victimized by him because of this. Reasoning with him is not going to prevent his approaches/attacks + he should not be living in an unsupervised situation.

The police should probably bring in someone from a social service agency to deal with him, but it is not your responsibility. Keep calling the police every time he assaults you, verbally or physically til they take care of the matter. Clearly, your landlord is not going to help at all. Don’t be hesitant. You have a right to live in peace without this threatening behavior.

harshedbuzz

This is not a safe situation.

It's not physically safe for anyone in the building to have the exterior door unlocked. Full stop. If he can't remember keys, can he remember to turn off the stove or a running bathtub?

You have to report this. This was an attempted assault. It's possible the behavior could escalate or that his next victim might not be as quick on her feet as you were. Or he might try to force his way into an apartment and be shot by the woman's boyfriend or husband.

If you know which other women had issues with him, contacting them and complaining as a group may get this dealt with. I would also contact APS as well; he's vulnerable in this living situation as well.

I had a similar situation in my old neighborhood. There was a 22-year-old man with a developmental disability and behavioral issues who roamed the neighborhood. He'd recently aged out of special education services. He accosted me going into my home in much the same way as you describe. I mentioned it to another neighbor who said that man had tried to give his 8-year-old daughter a ring and marriage proposal the same day. The prospective bride's dad was a compassionate person who had worked in special education and approached the mom who was at her wits end and begged him to report this. Her son had been waitlisted for adult services and she was struggling. Our reports were enough to get him an emergency placement in a nearby residential program.

While it's tempting to side-eye the wife in this scenario, she may not have felt safe with him and did what she had to. Sometimes it can be hard to get a PWD evaluated or obtain the legal standing to act on another's behalf.

HB

JDancer

Dementia isn't a free pass, nor is it a reason to give someone another chance. IMO the dementia escalates the need for action due to the additional risks involved. The police failed you, shame on them. I hope your local police have a social service provider on staff, because this is a complicated situation that requires support, not punishment.