Frustrated
I get extremely frustrated with the repeat questions! I know the repeat questions are really the first time questions for my loved one but nonetheless I get TIRED of answering them over, and over again. Also, I am my spouse 's everything. There are adult stepchildren but of no assistance. I have reached out to his friends a few times and they have given me a break. Therapy and antidepressant has been a lifesaver.
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It's extremely frustrating for us caregivers for sure. But how about for the PWD? They wouldn't be doing this if they could help it. They are so trapped inside. I wouldn't want to switch places for sure. Perhaps, you can have large cards or a notepad ready, write down the answer for the repeatedly asked question(s). Then hold up the answer or hand over the written answer to the PWD. It may give you a break. I went through that phase, too. Pulling hair out. Phases will pass. Hang in there.
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Welcome to the forum. It was frustration like yours with repeated questions that made me join this forum over two years ago, because I realized that i was the one who needed help. Many of us are in a similar position of caregiving alone with little family or friend support. We get it. Are you in a position to consider a day care program or hiring help at home so that you can get breaks?
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Hi and welcome. I am glad you found this place but sorry you have a need to be here.
This symptom is crazy-making. Truly. But it's one of situations where you have little control of the behavior which means your options to listening to this are 1) reframing the behavior in your mind and 2) taking all the breaks from it you can manage.
While I knew dad couldn't help it, per se, I didn't really embrace that as reality initially. It also helped to consider what dad was trying to do with the endless loop of questions. I think it was a combination of boredom from being able to entertain himself and anxiety. This helped me get to a place where it wasn't so triggering for me. I found it easiest to come up with a scripted replay that needed no effort. Because the ability to read emotions remains well into the disease, projecting a gentle calm will reduce the anxiety and interrupt the cycle of asking for a bit.
Understanding the Dementia Experience (smashwords.com)
If you're 24/7, you might consider a day-program or in-home companion so get some breaks.
HB
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I have to be very careful answering. As soon as there's irritation in my voice, DH detects it.
As I use my laptop to visit this forum, DH constantly wants to know what I'm doing. As a retired nurse, the phrase, "I'm on a healthcare forum, " works well. I just said it for the second time in 5 minutes.
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my DH repeats questions often, sometimes even asking me if he already asked the question. I’ve learned to be calm and act like it’s the first time he asked it. Sometimes I can get him off the question by taking a walk or trying to redirect. Like the others say, they do pick up on your frustration. Since I have learned to be calm, it has helped him.
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For some questions, like medical or financial issues ("what's an RMD?"), I write out an FAQ. When DW asks the question, I hand her the FAQ, which works reasonably well. And if she asks follow-up questions, I can add those to the FAQ for next time.
The only problem I have is that the printed FAQ disappears into the black hole of papers on DW's desk, and I may have to print another copy.
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I feel your pain, really I do. This week the questions have been 1) did we put up Christmas lights this year? are they on?, and 2) did we send something to my sister? And oddly enough, after she found the card for her sister, tucked into the book I was planning to wrap and send, she put a stamp on the card and put it in the mailbox (not the plan we had discussed...) and hasn't asked me that question again. So she knew what she was doing, briefly, and while she doesn't remember doing it, somehow the anxiety she had around the issue has clicked off. It makes no sense. And yes, we put up Christmas lights, and no, they're not on until it gets dark.
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I think staying calm with the repeated questions helps somewhat. That reminded me of these old British motivational posters. I may just print one out and hang it on my wall. For my DH it was a phase from a mid stage that didn’t last too long.
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That has been the biggest test of my patience, that of not showing any frustration in my responses or actions because she can also detect it.
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At first the repeat questions drove me batty but you do get somewhat used to it but also some days more than others. We know they can't help it but that knowledge doesn't make it much easier.
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I felt the same feeling you have, but through therapy I realized that I was acting as if my DW had a choice, as if it was volitional. As if the questions came from her. But they didn’t come from her. They came from the disease. It took me months to accept that it wasn’t her I was irritated, even angry, at, but it was Alzheimer’s itself. Now I kind of miss those things that nearly drove me crazy. She can’t do that anymore. Soon she won’t be around at all.
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Hellogoodby, how long does she have and how long did it take you to get here if you don't mind me asking.
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The repetition is hard to get used to. And keeping one's patience about it when caregiver weariness sets in is a challenge. And it seems that my patience is at an all time low. Some questions are easier to deal with. When are we taking down the tree...after New Years, for example.
Did we buy anything for his parents, or are we seeing them this holiday, not so easy. The seeing them one I asked if he wanted to visit the cemetery. I have now tried to gently say that they have passed away. Don't know if that is a good answer or not.
Wish I had solutions for you. But I feel your pain.
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My father and I had to deal with this with my mother. In the beginning it was annoying, then we realized she didn't even remember asking the question let alone the answer. We became very calm and patient with her questions, then she stopped speaking at all, and then she died. Answering repetitive questions then seemed such a small thing.
Now my wife has early stage Alzheimer's. I'm starting to see the repeated questions with her. I am not frustrated at all, because I know eventually, there will be no more questions. So today I'm happy that she's alive and is talking to me.
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One thing that always struck me about the question loop is how similar is was to my own son's speech as a preschooler. He has a high-functioning form of ASD and had a phase when he struggled with pragmatics-- the social use of language. He wanted our attention and to communicate and connect with us, but his speech came in the form of monologues or questions which could be crazy making as a full-time parent.
When I saw dad go down this path it felt very familiar. Mom struggled to interact him as he was by turns boring, suspicious or downright volatile, so she met his physical care needs and would find tasks elsewhere to occupy her. The more she avoided him, the more we saw this behavior. As an experiment, I we tried the strategies shared by DS's SLP years ago-- seeing the question as a bid for attention and meeting. Give a quick answer and pivot to a different and breezy topic. "Cookies?" Once she saw this worked for him, she started to proactively check-in which allowed he some measure of control over it.
HB
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On the occasions that I repeat myself, it is not because I am seeking attention, but because I truly forget.
Iris
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We are early on this journey but the repeating has started. If the question is about an item like what is this and what do you do with it. I put the item away so DH doesn’t see it anymore so eliminates the questions
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Very interesting about the letter. It does make sense. My hubby is always pacing, starting things and not finishing them, moving things and not remembering, asking the same questions over and over about what was done or not. It’s not surprising that your LOs anxiety was quelled after she mailed the letter. She had something on her mind & she completed the task. What relief! We all feel this way after crossing something off the to-do list. My hubby definitely feels/seems more relaxed after he completes a chore. I’ll keep this in mind & maybe find a way to help him complete more tasks.
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Out of sight, out of mind is an important trick to remember & employ!
Two or three years ago my hubby insisted we buy a generator for power outages. I really didn’t think we needed it but he was OBSESSED. He badgered me every day.
(PS he has been unable to handle IADL for probably 10 YEARS. I always thought he was just being lazy.) I acquiesced. I ordered one & had the electrician come to do special electrical work to accommodate the generator. Generator delivery was late so electrician was not here when it arrived. Husband left the generator in box for almost a year. He obviously forgot. When we finally set it up & tested it, it would run but not output any electricity. I researched why and kept talking to hubby about ways to troubleshoot. We had kept it past the return period so it was our loss. I should have known he had serious memory loss through this whole ordeal but I was so angry and so confused. It cost me two grand and so much aggravation for nothing. I was incredulous that he left this expensive machine in the box for so long! Despite the fact that it did not work, he insisted upon running it periodically as maintenance. It was SO noisy and gasoline fueled so it stank. It made NO SENSE. I kept telling him this and eventually he stopped and seemed to forget about it entirely even though it’s in plain view each time we get into the car or walk around the back of the house. So in this case NOT OUT OF SIGHT BUT OUT OF MIND! & this definitely drove me out of my mind 😭!
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I posted a thread a few weeks ago titled "Your PWD can't do anything," if anyone is interested.
Iris
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Oddly, I have found that I've become somewhat accustomed to the questions. The answers just roll off my tongue and I don't think much about it anymore. I just remind myself what it must be like to be in his shoes. Don't get me wrong...I do get frustrated. This is never a good thing. He senses my irritation and gets very upset accusing me of not listening or caring about him. Even if my voice is calm, I have to be aware of my facial expressions.
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It isn't just the questions themselves. It's the constant chatter, like a dripping faucet, that doesn't stop and that prevents you from doing anything else you want to do.
I have gotten to a similar point, where I only half-listen and rattle off the by-now rote answers. And answers, explanations, that used to be more detailed are now streamlined.
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Oh yeah. Finding your way to manage that frustration is part of the caregiver journey, imo. I have definitely gotten better with the repeat questions, but can still feel my frustration at times. My DW rarely sees or hears that from me anymore. I worked hard at it, because it is important to me to spare her that. And, I have always dislike my impatience in general. I've tried to make it a growth as human goal for myself and worked to remind myself that while I'm trying and doing so much better with it, I'm also no saint nor am I perfect.
When I'm really feeling it, I go outside or somewhere away from my DW briefly and have a little talk with myself. Most of the time now, I don't need to do that and can have that little chat with myself right in front of her. It's been a year of conscious practicing and working on it.
So worth it, btw. Let alone how my DW gets confused and hurt seeing/feeling my frustration...That frustration was not good for me, at all. I was angry, then embarrassed, then berating myself for being frustrated with a person with reduced cognitive abilities, etc. Yuck. Finding my own way to get past it has been a huge relief.
You will find your way too, Gnpreacher.
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Sorry for the delay in responding. My journey has been a long one. My wife was skilled at hiding her symptoms from me, and I was skilled in denying the symptoms I saw. I was finally unable to continue sticking my head in the sand in early 2022, but by then I had been taking care of her for ten years. I tried to believe that she was suffering from anorexia. She was then unable to drive and was very feeble, having lost down to 76 pounds. By mid-year she was becoming severely confused and I found that even 24-hour healthcare could not keep her from trying to do things she no longer could do (drive, climb stairs).
I moved her into a nursing home last summer. She could still act like she did not have dementia if you didn’t ask any questions but she was incontinent, disoriented, and had no short-term memory. Early this year she was hospitalized twice, and was too weak to walk afterwards, even with a walker. She has been confined to bed for the last two months. She tries to communicate but can’t find the right words. We can’t tell when she is in pain, is hungry, etc.
So it has been about two years before I accepted that something terrible was wrong. Two weeks ago I was told she is nearing transition. This period could last weeks, or days. As has been the case throughout, she has ups and downs. All we can do is try to keep her comfortable. She has been in hospice a week now.
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That's one of the hardest parts for me as well. She never stops demanding my attention, all day long. I can't work, I can't do anything. Right now she pesters me about what I'm doing, she gets impatient and wants to go up and down the stairs. We have a chair lift that was for my mom but she can't use it by herself so I have to constantly supervise her safety on the stairs, up and down, up and down, "how much do you still have to go?" over and over. Very difficult to even read and respond to posts here many times.
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Thanks for the response. We also buried our heads in the sand not wanting to see reality until it was no longer possible to ignore. My DW is in stage 6 somewhere and I have no idea how long it will take her to transition to stage 7. I'm seriously considering MC. She will have very brief moments of clarity such as when I'm helping her to toilet she will cry and say things like "I don't want to be this way. .." or "Please don't send me away!' and immediately forget. Very heartbreaking for me.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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