Frustrated

It's extremely frustrating for us caregivers for sure. But how about for the PWD? They wouldn't be doing this if they could help it. They are so trapped inside. I wouldn't want to switch places for sure. Perhaps, you can have large cards or a notepad ready, write down the answer for the repeatedly asked question(s). Then hold up the answer or hand over the written answer to the PWD. It may give you a break. I went through that phase, too. Pulling hair out. Phases will pass. Hang in there.

@Gnpreacher2002

Hi and welcome. I am glad you found this place but sorry you have a need to be here.

This symptom is crazy-making. Truly. But it's one of situations where you have little control of the behavior which means your options to listening to this are 1) reframing the behavior in your mind and 2) taking all the breaks from it you can manage.

While I knew dad couldn't help it, per se, I didn't really embrace that as reality initially. It also helped to consider what dad was trying to do with the endless loop of questions. I think it was a combination of boredom from being able to entertain himself and anxiety. This helped me get to a place where it wasn't so triggering for me. I found it easiest to come up with a scripted replay that needed no effort. Because the ability to read emotions remains well into the disease, projecting a gentle calm will reduce the anxiety and interrupt the cycle of asking for a bit.

Understanding the Dementia Experience (smashwords.com)

If you're 24/7, you might consider a day-program or in-home companion so get some breaks.

HB

my DH repeats questions often, sometimes even asking me if he already asked the question. I’ve learned to be calm and act like it’s the first time he asked it. Sometimes I can get him off the question by taking a walk or trying to redirect. Like the others say, they do pick up on your frustration. Since I have learned to be calm, it has helped him.

I feel your pain, really I do. This week the questions have been 1) did we put up Christmas lights this year? are they on?, and 2) did we send something to my sister? And oddly enough, after she found the card for her sister, tucked into the book I was planning to wrap and send, she put a stamp on the card and put it in the mailbox (not the plan we had discussed...) and hasn't asked me that question again. So she knew what she was doing, briefly, and while she doesn't remember doing it, somehow the anxiety she had around the issue has clicked off. It makes no sense. And yes, we put up Christmas lights, and no, they're not on until it gets dark.

That has been the biggest test of my patience, that of not showing any frustration in my responses or actions because she can also detect it.

I felt the same feeling you have, but through therapy I realized that I was acting as if my DW had a choice, as if it was volitional. As if the questions came from her. But they didn’t come from her. They came from the disease. It took me months to accept that it wasn’t her I was irritated, even angry, at, but it was Alzheimer’s itself. Now I kind of miss those things that nearly drove me crazy. She can’t do that anymore. Soon she won’t be around at all.

The repetition is hard to get used to. And keeping one's patience about it when caregiver weariness sets in is a challenge. And it seems that my patience is at an all time low. Some questions are easier to deal with. When are we taking down the tree...after New Years, for example.

Did we buy anything for his parents, or are we seeing them this holiday, not so easy. The seeing them one I asked if he wanted to visit the cemetery. I have now tried to gently say that they have passed away. Don't know if that is a good answer or not.

Wish I had solutions for you. But I feel your pain.

One thing that always struck me about the question loop is how similar is was to my own son's speech as a preschooler. He has a high-functioning form of ASD and had a phase when he struggled with pragmatics-- the social use of language. He wanted our attention and to communicate and connect with us, but his speech came in the form of monologues or questions which could be crazy making as a full-time parent.

When I saw dad go down this path it felt very familiar. Mom struggled to interact him as he was by turns boring, suspicious or downright volatile, so she met his physical care needs and would find tasks elsewhere to occupy her. The more she avoided him, the more we saw this behavior. As an experiment, I we tried the strategies shared by DS's SLP years ago-- seeing the question as a bid for attention and meeting. Give a quick answer and pivot to a different and breezy topic. "Cookies?" Once she saw this worked for him, she started to proactively check-in which allowed he some measure of control over it.

HB

We are early on this journey but the repeating has started. If the question is about an item like what is this and what do you do with it. I put the item away so DH doesn’t see it anymore so eliminates the questions

Out of sight, out of mind is an important trick to remember & employ!

Two or three years ago my hubby insisted we buy a generator for power outages. I really didn’t think we needed it but he was OBSESSED. He badgered me every day.

(PS he has been unable to handle IADL for probably 10 YEARS. I always thought he was just being lazy.) I acquiesced. I ordered one & had the electrician come to do special electrical work to accommodate the generator. Generator delivery was late so electrician was not here when it arrived. Husband left the generator in box for almost a year. He obviously forgot. When we finally set it up & tested it, it would run but not output any electricity. I researched why and kept talking to hubby about ways to troubleshoot. We had kept it past the return period so it was our loss. I should have known he had serious memory loss through this whole ordeal but I was so angry and so confused. It cost me two grand and so much aggravation for nothing. I was incredulous that he left this expensive machine in the box for so long! Despite the fact that it did not work, he insisted upon running it periodically as maintenance. It was SO noisy and gasoline fueled so it stank. It made NO SENSE. I kept telling him this and eventually he stopped and seemed to forget about it entirely even though it’s in plain view each time we get into the car or walk around the back of the house. So in this case NOT OUT OF SIGHT BUT OUT OF MIND! & this definitely drove me out of my mind 😭!

Oddly, I have found that I've become somewhat accustomed to the questions. The answers just roll off my tongue and I don't think much about it anymore. I just remind myself what it must be like to be in his shoes. Don't get me wrong...I do get frustrated. This is never a good thing. He senses my irritation and gets very upset accusing me of not listening or caring about him. Even if my voice is calm, I have to be aware of my facial expressions.

That's one of the hardest parts for me as well. She never stops demanding my attention, all day long. I can't work, I can't do anything. Right now she pesters me about what I'm doing, she gets impatient and wants to go up and down the stairs. We have a chair lift that was for my mom but she can't use it by herself so I have to constantly supervise her safety on the stairs, up and down, up and down, "how much do you still have to go?" over and over. Very difficult to even read and respond to posts here many times.