No more driving

Smartie_2016

My husband has Alzheimers and recently took a road test for triple A at his doctor's suggestion. I found out the results yesterday and it didn't go well at all. How did you break the news to them that they had to stop driving? He's only 73.

White Crane

This is tough. It may be best to have his doctor tell him. That way, you’re not the bad guy. Some caregivers have had to hide the car keys or disable the car. The main thing is that he is no longer safe to drive. He is a danger to himself and others.

Whyzit2

AAA test showed that for your safety and his that he should not drive anymore. If he were to have an accident the insurance would not cover any expenses and you could be sued for everything you have. It is on record NOW. Take him to the DMV to get a state photo ID in exchange for his driver’s license. Then take him out for some ice cream treat. Be very sympathetic but don’t cave. Don’t talk about it ahead of time. He just needs a new photo taken right?

Apply the grandparent rule. If he isn’t safe to drive your grandchild then he isn’t safe to drive.

It is difficult to be in charge but you now are responsible.

Best wishes.

Kat63

My DH is 76 and has not driven for over 4 years. I knew it was time when he wanted to drive himself to a doctor appointment, which was approximately 3 miles from our house, and I worried the whole time he was gone. I decided that day to tell him he couldn’t drive anymore. No it wasn’t easy and he didn’t talk to me for the rest of that day, but before we went to bed that night I told him I loved him more than anything and certainly would not tell him he couldn’t drive anymore unless it was absolutely how it needed to be for his safety and possibly the safety of others. He accepted that. So no it’s not easy to have this conversation but is necessary. That was a year before we had an official diagnosis of Alzheimer’s from the neurologist for my DH. Letting him to continue to drive when I knew something was wrong wasn’t an option. Just tell him and like others have said don’t cave. Could you live with yourself if he caused an accident??? I know I couldn’t!!

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/67439/no-more-driving

When my wife was told she couldn’t drive , by doctor, didn’t go well tell this day and it’s been over 6months. I’m keeping her car just to make her happy. All she wants to do is drive. She has anosognosia so I’ll keep car like I need two but will make her feel better

gcg62

You might find this Teepa Snow clip helpful.

Dementia and Driving - with Teepa Snow of Positive Approach to Care.

- how to calmly convince your loved one to stop driving

https://youtu.be/OIRlkXUQbIg?si=SsxPyHDf2bV0lngk

Pat6177

On this website, go to ALZConnected Resources on the top banner. Then Dementia Resources. Then Resources for Caregivers. Then the last item on View info on… There’s a section there for stopping them driving. As with everything else with PWDs, every one is different and you need to do a lot of research on different ways to approach your PWD. For me, we did it in stages. First stop driving. Then think about the risks of him still owning a car and his dementia progressing. So I sold my SUV 😥 and he has the key fob with a dead battery, just in case…

mrahope

FWIW, my DH was told to cut down driving first, then to stop driving altogether, both times by doctors. He didn't receive the news well, and it's been over a year since the first occasion. The second doctor finally told him that he was a "mandated reporter" for the state and that if he heard of DH driving he would have to report him.

It's been a long coping process. First, my DS asked if they could "borrow" his car. They needed a larger vehicle anyway, so DH was fine with that. That helped a great deal. However, one day some months afterward I was busy with a service person in another part of the house when I suddenly saw DH driving MY car out of it's spot. I was terribly frightened, but fortunately he didn't even leave the parking lot before returning. I was about to call 911. Thereafter I hid my keys also, and removed them from his ring. After we moved closer to DS, I caught him with the extra key to my car again! I am thinking it dropped from my ring before I realized it. After that, I gave DS the extra key and literally have to keep the keys either in my pocket or under my pillow as I sleep. It's a sucky way to live, but safer than the alternatives I can currently think of.

He DID learn to take Uber/Lyft in our previous location, and still complains about being unable to drive periodically. Feels like a war that I'm "winning ugly". Sigh.

wizmo

Agree let the doctor be the bad guy to deliver the news and reinforce if insurance finds out they will not cover him; any accident could even bankrupt you through lawsuit. Injured party's lawyer will discover diagnosis and you will have no legal defense. If you want to keep the vehicle around, other tactics include swapping the real key for a fake one; any locksmith can give you a similar key or render one of yours unusable. Disable the vehicle by disconnecting the battery or other key component e.g. starter. Leave a note under the hood for potential repair person to know it should not be repaired. I kept DW's car in the garage 3 years past when she could no longer drive, raised on jack stands to keep the tires from developing a flat spot. At one point she forgot it was hers and asked me. I said it was hers but needed repairs. She got very angry/agitated, triggered a memory that she cannot drive any longer because "I won't let her". Away on vacation we had the opportunity to move it out of sight before returning; after she did not notice it was gone we donated to charity.

LaneyG

My husband could care less what the doctors says about his driving. They make him irate and he gives me trouble going back to them. He says they are wrong and he can drive just fine. I have him to a point where only if I'm with him and very very local daytime. He actually does well. BUT I know the time is not far off where even this needs to come to an end. He get very angry and agitated when I don't let him drive. I don't know what I'm going to do....

M1

Laney, you need to realize the implications of your dilemma, if it's in his medical record that he has been advised not to drive, you are risking everything you own every time he gets behind the wheel. Find out if your state allows anonymous reporting to the DMV or what mechanisms there are. You can also discuss with your insurance agent. I know how difficult this is.....It was the argument that prompted threats of violence and ended up in placement for us.

M5M

Absolutely stop the driving, then…………Also, consider how confining it is to suddenly not have the freedom to go somewhere as you choose. When your PWD has to stop driving, consider taking PWD out somewhere frequently….nearly every day DH and I go somewhere. Coffee shop. Grocery. Pick up a prescription. Whatever. DH loves gardening, so we go walk the plant stores. He comes home much more satisfied for the time.

LaneyG

How do you deal with the extreme anger and backlash?

M1

Laney, i wish there was an easy answer. You live with it, stand up to him, and call 911 if he threatens you. That's what happened to me. I had to hide the car keys, keep all sets on my person at all times (didnt dare leave a spare set anywhere if i was leaving the house), and insist that I drive when we went anywhere. My partner was intermittently responsive to the argument of altruism about how bad she'd feel if someone got hurt. She was also a real tightwad about her finances, and would sometimes respond to the threat of being sued (think about this: if your DH had a wreck, could he even remember what happened enough to provide testimony? If not, you can guarantee that he would be assigned blame).

The crisis for us came when my partner was worried that we were out of cat food. We weren't, but i also had to hide the cat food because she would overfeed the cats. When i wouldn't give her the truck keys to go buy more, she threatened to come after me with a knife and tear the house apart until she found them. I actually called our neighbors, who distracted her, but then took her to our doctor's office, thence to the ER (with the excuse that her blood pressure was high) and had her admitted to a geriatric psych ward. She went from there to memory care. That was 20 months ago.

debriesea

I’m just starting this road of taking away the license so all these suggestions I’m taking to heart. Thank you all!

Yesterday my DH took a Driving Assessment test (2 hrs of in office testing and 1/2 hr driving). He was told he shouldn’t drive anymore and the results were being sent to his memory Dr for the final say. He argued consistently with every point the examiner gave. He stayed in the car in the driver’s seat while I went inside with the examiner to get a copy of the report. When I came out he would not get out of the driver’s seat and argued with me for 10-15 min about how he can drive safely. I was adamant that I was driving home and he finally conceded. When we are together in the car I am the one who has been driving for the last 6 months or so. I think he preferred it that way. On the way home we listened to Christmas music and didn’t speak at all, which has been par because small talk is difficult for him to process. He has not mentioned it at all since. I’m hoping it will not come up again until we hear from the Dr.

My adult kids & I are meeting up tomorrow night for further discussions. He took this test a year ago right after his official diagnosis of ALZ so we have a baseline. He has regressed quite a lot in most categories. I am blessed to have the support of my kids, especially with living across the driveway from my daughter and my son is 10 min away.

Again, thank you so much for all the insight and advice and support that is given here, as a family we go on this journey together.

mckik

I'm living this thread! It helps to know there are so many of us who know what it's like in this boat. I feel like if the driving issue were off the table, it would be so much easier to bear. My mom gets defiant even with the doctor about her driving. I'm pretty sure the doctor is also intimidated by my mom's sense of self assuredness. Like so many others here, I'm pained when they stop short of telling her she can't drive. We've been asking for help for the past year. They just tell us to go get her tested at the DMV, but I really fear that she'll somehow pass. I'm delaying the test as long as possible to make sure she doesn't pass it. The open record of who reports someone at the DMV is another deterrent. I feel like these institutions just want to pass the buck back onto the family...

Does anyone have any experience enlisting help from the insurance company, as in not renewing the policy, etc?

I'm going to try to talk to her again while we look for the "missing" car key. (I also left her car door open so the battery would slowly drain...) My fear is that even if she agrees, she'll forget the conversation. She got into a fender bender in the Safeway parking lot a month ago and forgot the incident almost immediately. Sadly she didn't damage her car at all, which I could have offered as proof. I offer to drive her and she says she doesn't want to go without HER keys. I actually moved back from Germany 2 months ago and bought a car just to help ease this issue. It's exhausting and upsetting to see her so frustrated. It's awful to feel like you've lost something important. I know I'm on the right side of this moral dilemma, but it doesn't make it any easier...

mommyandme (m&m)

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203570#Comment_203570

Hi mckik, welcome to the forum yet sorry you need it. There are so many wise supportive folks here having lived this or doing so now.

I must mention that this is an older thread from December 2023. Glad you found it, but you may get more response if you start your own thread in “I’m a Caregiver (general)” or “Caring for a Parent” under Discussions in the purple top bar.

Fortunately the police, after coming in contact with my mom driving poorly, sent a notice to the DMV to suspend her license until she could be tested. That never happened, end of driving for her. Some might suggest getting rid of her keys, disabling the car, removing the car, out of sight out of mind, and possibly saying it’s in the shop for a recall, having trouble getting the part etc.. repeat repeat repeat. You’ve probably already read suggestions like that in this thread. If you can get her doctor to tell her no more driving, or the DMV? If you hold POA and she has a diagnosis and she gets in an accident causing damage or harm, you both could lose a lot if not everything.

Im sorry for these struggles because of this disgusting disease.

Katielu

In Michigan, someone can send a letter to the DMV, asking the person be tested and giving reason. The person is contacted and never is told who contacted the DMV. I know this works as this is how my husband was asked to report for testing. I thought he drove well enough to be given and restricted license, but I was wrong, he failed the road test.

All done… until the next thing.

mrahope

I want to second what @Katielu said. Check with your state's DMV carefully. I'm in VA and we're also shielded if we report a dangerous driver to the DMV. It says so right on the form. I hope all states will conclude this is the way to go so that some of us caregivers don't have to be afraid of repercussions at home if we report our LO so everyone can be safe.

housefinch

Unfortunately not every state allows the DMV report to be confidential. I can think of 2 people (family friends), 1 with known dementia and 1 who almost certainly has it, in my home state, whose families have not stopped from driving. I would love to report them and haven’t because of the wrath I would incur. It stinks.

Quilting brings calm

Not every state allows individuals to report others to the DMV. Mine doesn’t. Only doctors and law enforcement are allowed to.

CPLinIN

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191810#Comment_191810

Unfortunately, this is my situation, too. It’s only been about 6 weeks, but my husband argues with everyone about it. He had his privileges revoked after two driving evaluations, but he still knows better.

i hope things improve for you.