No more driving

My DH is 76 and has not driven for over 4 years. I knew it was time when he wanted to drive himself to a doctor appointment, which was approximately 3 miles from our house, and I worried the whole time he was gone. I decided that day to tell him he couldn’t drive anymore. No it wasn’t easy and he didn’t talk to me for the rest of that day, but before we went to bed that night I told him I loved him more than anything and certainly would not tell him he couldn’t drive anymore unless it was absolutely how it needed to be for his safety and possibly the safety of others. He accepted that. So no it’s not easy to have this conversation but is necessary. That was a year before we had an official diagnosis of Alzheimer’s from the neurologist for my DH. Letting him to continue to drive when I knew something was wrong wasn’t an option. Just tell him and like others have said don’t cave. Could you live with yourself if he caused an accident??? I know I couldn’t!!

You might find this Teepa Snow clip helpful.

Dementia and Driving - with Teepa Snow of Positive Approach to Care.

- how to calmly convince your loved one to stop driving

https://youtu.be/OIRlkXUQbIg?si=SsxPyHDf2bV0lngk

FWIW, my DH was told to cut down driving first, then to stop driving altogether, both times by doctors. He didn't receive the news well, and it's been over a year since the first occasion. The second doctor finally told him that he was a "mandated reporter" for the state and that if he heard of DH driving he would have to report him.

It's been a long coping process. First, my DS asked if they could "borrow" his car. They needed a larger vehicle anyway, so DH was fine with that. That helped a great deal. However, one day some months afterward I was busy with a service person in another part of the house when I suddenly saw DH driving MY car out of it's spot. I was terribly frightened, but fortunately he didn't even leave the parking lot before returning. I was about to call 911. Thereafter I hid my keys also, and removed them from his ring. After we moved closer to DS, I caught him with the extra key to my car again! I am thinking it dropped from my ring before I realized it. After that, I gave DS the extra key and literally have to keep the keys either in my pocket or under my pillow as I sleep. It's a sucky way to live, but safer than the alternatives I can currently think of.

He DID learn to take Uber/Lyft in our previous location, and still complains about being unable to drive periodically. Feels like a war that I'm "winning ugly". Sigh.

My husband could care less what the doctors says about his driving. They make him irate and he gives me trouble going back to them. He says they are wrong and he can drive just fine. I have him to a point where only if I'm with him and very very local daytime. He actually does well. BUT I know the time is not far off where even this needs to come to an end. He get very angry and agitated when I don't let him drive. I don't know what I'm going to do....

Absolutely stop the driving, then…………Also, consider how confining it is to suddenly not have the freedom to go somewhere as you choose. When your PWD has to stop driving, consider taking PWD out somewhere frequently….nearly every day DH and I go somewhere. Coffee shop. Grocery. Pick up a prescription. Whatever. DH loves gardening, so we go walk the plant stores. He comes home much more satisfied for the time.

Laney, i wish there was an easy answer. You live with it, stand up to him, and call 911 if he threatens you. That's what happened to me. I had to hide the car keys, keep all sets on my person at all times (didnt dare leave a spare set anywhere if i was leaving the house), and insist that I drive when we went anywhere. My partner was intermittently responsive to the argument of altruism about how bad she'd feel if someone got hurt. She was also a real tightwad about her finances, and would sometimes respond to the threat of being sued (think about this: if your DH had a wreck, could he even remember what happened enough to provide testimony? If not, you can guarantee that he would be assigned blame).

The crisis for us came when my partner was worried that we were out of cat food. We weren't, but i also had to hide the cat food because she would overfeed the cats. When i wouldn't give her the truck keys to go buy more, she threatened to come after me with a knife and tear the house apart until she found them. I actually called our neighbors, who distracted her, but then took her to our doctor's office, thence to the ER (with the excuse that her blood pressure was high) and had her admitted to a geriatric psych ward. She went from there to memory care. That was 20 months ago.

I'm living this thread! It helps to know there are so many of us who know what it's like in this boat. I feel like if the driving issue were off the table, it would be so much easier to bear. My mom gets defiant even with the doctor about her driving. I'm pretty sure the doctor is also intimidated by my mom's sense of self assuredness. Like so many others here, I'm pained when they stop short of telling her she can't drive. We've been asking for help for the past year. They just tell us to go get her tested at the DMV, but I really fear that she'll somehow pass. I'm delaying the test as long as possible to make sure she doesn't pass it. The open record of who reports someone at the DMV is another deterrent. I feel like these institutions just want to pass the buck back onto the family...

Does anyone have any experience enlisting help from the insurance company, as in not renewing the policy, etc?

I'm going to try to talk to her again while we look for the "missing" car key. (I also left her car door open so the battery would slowly drain...) My fear is that even if she agrees, she'll forget the conversation. She got into a fender bender in the Safeway parking lot a month ago and forgot the incident almost immediately. Sadly she didn't damage her car at all, which I could have offered as proof. I offer to drive her and she says she doesn't want to go without HER keys. I actually moved back from Germany 2 months ago and bought a car just to help ease this issue. It's exhausting and upsetting to see her so frustrated. It's awful to feel like you've lost something important. I know I'm on the right side of this moral dilemma, but it doesn't make it any easier...

In Michigan, someone can send a letter to the DMV, asking the person be tested and giving reason. The person is contacted and never is told who contacted the DMV. I know this works as this is how my husband was asked to report for testing. I thought he drove well enough to be given and restricted license, but I was wrong, he failed the road test.

All done… until the next thing.

Unfortunately not every state allows the DMV report to be confidential. I can think of 2 people (family friends), 1 with known dementia and 1 who almost certainly has it, in my home state, whose families have not stopped from driving. I would love to report them and haven’t because of the wrath I would incur. It stinks.

Unfortunately, this is my situation, too. It’s only been about 6 weeks, but my husband argues with everyone about it. He had his privileges revoked after two driving evaluations, but he still knows better.

i hope things improve for you.